26 September, 2022

Remember when K-Mart was still called Keith-Martyn’s? And only sold Keith Martyn Almanacs?

TRENT BARTLETT

We’re sure that older readers of Adelaide Mail remember this. In fact, if you do you are probably already rolling your eyes, saying: ‘Jesus Christ, we know! We remember this thing already, so save your breath, Adelaide Mail, this is no news to us you big bloody turkey!’

To which we say: ‘It’s not all about you, hypothetical reader. You know you’ve got some nerve to think that you’re the only reader of this thing. We have about a dozen other readers, and some of them might be younger and more ignorant than you!’

Impressive readership figures or not, and they’re not, younger readers would be absolutely titty-smacked to learn that the popular discount department store, which we love* wasn’t always called Kmart.

In fact, it hasn’t always even been a discount department store! Fuck me!

Kmart Australia started its life in Ingle Farm under its original, longer name: Keith Martyn Almanac Resellers.

As the world changed, the idea of a store that only sold calendars masquerading as Christmas presents for Grandpa became more and more stupid

And what did they sell? You guessed it, nothing but Keith Martyn Almanacs from wall-to-wall.

In fact, so bafflingly-popular were the annual fishing, gardening and other, different types of fishing calendars that Keith Martyn’s stores began popping up all over the state.

On one November day in 1985, Keith himself was set to appear at the Port Adelaide Keith Martyn’s store upon release of the next year’s almanac. However, because of the sheer volume of people lining the streets around the Port for a glimpse of the moustachioed weatherman and the crush of gardeners and fish-ers at the store meant that his appearance had to be cancelled in the interest of public safety.

The cancellation led to several days of riots around the Port, which locals say made them feel safer, if only briefly.

As the world changed, the idea of a store that only sold calendars masquerading as Christmas presents for Grandpa became more and more stupid. The store would eventually trial the sale of two other products: A push lawnmower endorsed by Martyn’s sparring partner Jeff Sunderland and the disgusting AC Cola, which was sold for about 50 cents too much out the front of each store.

Those two products were the beginning of the end for Keithy’s and his almanac emporium. The store eventually changed its name to the snappier Kmart, and stopped selling the almanacs altogether in favour of $10 homewares designed to make suburban homeowners feel as if they have a personality.

But we secretly still call it Keithy’s behind its back.

* At least, we’re told we love Kmart by 7 of the 165 Daily Mail stories uploaded in the past ten minutes outlining the latest product that Aussie mums “can’t get enough of right now”.

Related Posts

Humphrey B Bear says cancel culture has killed opportunities for mute, pantsless bears on TV

22 March, 2021

22 March, 2021

TRENT BARTLETT Australia’s most famous boater hat-wearing anthropomorphic bear has broken his decades-long silence to add to the chorus of...

Man successfully connects to AdelaideFree wifi network

5 November, 2018

5 November, 2018

In what has been described as a once in a lifetime technological phenomenon, city worker Simon Line has defied astronomical...

Sight of OTR toilet instantly cures man’s violent diarrhoea

7 December, 2018

7 December, 2018

After a week in Bali and a big ‘welcome home’ night with the boys, city construction labourer, Trey Dee, was...

You WON’T BELIEVE what Kane Cornes said on SEN 1629AM! Mainly because of all the static

11 December, 2020

11 December, 2020

He’s done it again, folks. South Australia’s king of controversy and 2020’s Best and Fairest Servo Sandwich Hawker has made...

170kg Clapham man favourite for Bay Sheffield after being handed 105m handicap

28 December, 2018

28 December, 2018

Cuddly giant Kade Gypsum has steamed ahead as the bookies’ favourite for the iconic Bay Sheffield foot race after being...

Gotcha! New Transport Minister doesn’t even know figure of cars driven on O-Bahn each week

13 April, 2022

13 April, 2022

With the Federal Election campaign heating up, lazy journalists are continuing to try and catch out politicians for not knowing...

Suburb of Devon Park to be renamed Fritz Park

7 January, 2019

7 January, 2019

In an act of South Australian patriotism, a successful campaign by residents has led to the inner north suburb of...

‘Fool me 47 times, shame on you’ say Crows as they draft new Victorian

28 November, 2019

28 November, 2019

Adelaide Football Club’s recruitment team are all smiles this morning, emerging from the first leg of the 2019 AFL Draft...

Gays Arcade forced to change name after experts confirm it’s more of a mall

12 July, 2019

12 July, 2019

The LGBTQIA community (Laneway, Galleria, Business, Trader, Quickie-Mart, Independent retailer, and Arcade) are rejoicing as experts have changed the name...

Local tweaker very disappointed with “OG Speed Shop”

29 July, 2020

29 July, 2020

Local jaw-clenching and awake enthusiast, Aymon DeGear has voiced his disappointment with a Klemzig service station, claiming they are falsely...

Next election, let’s just all vote for Cosi and see what happens

24 May, 2019

24 May, 2019

With the Federal Election over and not a great deal changing, aside from increased health-care costs for the poor, many...

Wayville Physio still recovering from closure of Mad Mouse

31 August, 2018

31 August, 2018

It’s been over a decade since the closure of Adelaide’s iconic roller-coaster the ‘Mad Mouse’, but the financial impacts can still...

Local “Teddy Bear Hunt” replaced with far easier “Mastrangelo Real Estate Sign Hunt”

20 April, 2020

20 April, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT Parents around Adelaide’s suburbs (looking for ways to distract their kids from the tedium of life that only...

Hinkley, Pyke given 3-year contract extensions to teach them a lesson

23 July, 2019

23 July, 2019

In light of two equally inconsistent seasons, both South Australian AFL clubs have found themselves scratching their heads at what...

Netflix to release Last Dance sequel about another team’s 97-98 former glory

17 May, 2020

17 May, 2020

As ‘The Last Dance’ documentary series about the 1997-1998 Chicago Bulls wraps up, Netflix has announced another series will be...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: