In a sensible economic move bound to curry the favour of all Adelaide Oval patrons, the stadium’s management authority, the absurdly-titled Stadium Management Authority have announced their plans to recoup a four million dollar operating loss by raising beer prices to $26,000.
The move represents an increase of approximately 4%, which is slightly below the state’s projected inflation figures for the quarter.
The stadium’s Head of Cold Chips, Hot Beers and Security Guards Who Take It Personally When They See A Beach Ball, John Al Jolson Olsen, told Adelaide that he had the idea while listening to Gianni Infantino’s podcast about FIFA’s plans to bankrupt every football fan who decides to watch a game at this year’s World Cup.
“I had a look at what they’re doing in the States and heard they’re charging people two hundred US dollars for a 15-minute train ticket. I thought people spend way longer than 15 minutes lining up for a beer at Adelaide Oval, we’re charging way under what people would be willing to pay”.
To ease the burden that comes with a round of beer costing the same as a house deposit for a semi-detached three-bedroom duplex in Elizabeth Vale (in 2022), the SMA have also announced they will be introducing flexible payment options when you purchase more than two mid-strength beers.
“We think patrons should have options when it comes to their finances, that’s why they will be able to pay with AfterPay, Zip Pay, and precious family heirlooms valued by the stadium’s own untrustworthy valuer. It’s a great program.”
Officials are confident the change will not impact demand for beers at the stadium, mainly because both Crows and Port fans will be seeking to drink themselves into a blacked-out stupor instead of having to remember how fucking awful both teams are playing.
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