South Australians go into three-month, self-imposed lockdown following end of Fringe

TRENT BARTLETT

Adelaideans have retreated into their annual, self-imposed lockdown for a quarter of the year following the end of the 2021 Adelaide Fringe Festival and the official end of the There Are Actually Things To Do In Adelaide At This Time Of Year season.

South Australia’s Deputy Chief Deputy of Public Health Jeremy Deputy told Adelaide Mail that health authorities had absolutely nothing to do with the lockdown.

‘I have asked you to stop contacting our office until you retract your story about drinking Murray water to cure COVID-19,’ Dr Deputy told Adelaide Mail about the impending lockdown.

‘I can categorically tell you that Adelaideans staying home after March has absolutely nothing to do with COVID-19 like you keep suggesting. We have not told South Australians to stay at home, there is no lockdown and we certainly did not…what is this? Why have you given me a card with a picture of Deane Hutton saying “The only way to fix coronavirus is to swallow a litre of Murray water?”’

‘Okay, that’s enough. Get out! Get out of my office, I don’t know why our receptionist keeps letting you in,’ then in a typical act of South Australian government, Adelaide Mail’s journalists were removed from the SA Health offices by men we can only describe as ‘goons’.

Luckily for the truth-seeking public, we were able to get an exclusive interview about the pandemic with one of the goons.

‘I reckon it’s all a bunch of crap,’ said goon number one while manhandling our photographer. ‘Like, why do I have to wear a mask at the footy while standing up, but when I sit down it’s fine. It’s like, what does the virus know not to transmit itself when you’re sitting down or something?’

‘I reckon those QR codes are listening to my conversations,’ chimed in goon number two while frogmarching the Adelaide Mail journalist from the lift. ‘Nah, ‘cause like, the other day my missus checked in at Coles while we were talking about Hot Cross Buns and then the next thing you know there are Hot Cross Buns right there in front of us. Like, how do they know we were thinking of Hot Cross Buns if they’re not listening to our thoughts?’