9 April, 2020 South Australia's other fake news source

Victorian music journo asking for directions to “The Barton” theatre

Visiting Victorian music journalist Gulag Torquehand has lost her patience with seemingly unhelpful South Australians after asking dozens of Adelaideans for directions to ‘The Barton Theatre’.

The journalist was tasked with reviewing local jazz stalwarts You Bet Your Jazz whose insistence on a pun-based band name has somehow been less damaging to their careers than their choice of jazz music as a profession.

“I don’t know where The Barton Theatre is, but Thebarton Theatre’s just down the road”. If I wanted directions to Thebarton Theatre, I’d have asked

‘I’ve never met a bigger bunch of smartarses in my life’, a visibly exasperated Torquehand told Adelaide Mail.

‘I’ve asked dozens of people for directions to The Barton Theatre and every single one of them has responded by saying something like: “I don’t know where The Barton Theatre is, but Thebarton Theatre’s just down the road”. If I wanted directions to Thebarton Theatre, I’d have asked’.

The journalist did eventually find her way into Henley Beach Road’s Thebarton Theatre. However, an unhelpful ticket booth attendant couldn’t resist taking a stab at a Victorian.

‘Even the nice old lady at the ticket booth didn’t want to help me. She just said “I’m not sure where The Barton is, but we’ve got a jazz band playing here at Thebarton Theatre tonight”. I’ve never met a bigger bunch of unhelpful locals’.

Torquehand continues to drive around the streets of the inner western suburbs asking for directions 18 hours after the band’s published start time, meaning that the journalist will have missed most of the first song’s drum solo.

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