MATTHEW DEVITT
A German tourist has been left mystified by South Australia’s cavalier and generally indifferent attitude towards the governmental delegation of obligations regarding beef labeling and safety.
Karl-Heinz Mülleimer, a 54-year-old electrical systems engineer from Munich, who has planned his three-week Australian holiday down to precise 15-minute increments, had his entire trip thrown into disarray after a maddening encounter in a Hahndorf butcher shop.
“I ordered three porterhouse steaks, weighing precisely 435 grams each, and then, naturally, I asked the young man behind the glass counter to produce the legally mandated, three-tier cattle-tracing logs, the temperature-calibration certificates, and the signed delegation receipt from the state food safety inspector. He just stared blankly at me, as if I had said something completely ridiculous, and said they had a special on rissoles.”
After purportedly slamming his fist on the counter multiple times, Mülleimer demanded to speak with the owner of the business, Clayton Lamb, who also failed to quell the portly Bavarian’s concerns. “He said the best he could do was provide me with a QR code, but when I scanned it, it just took me to a 404 page on a state government website from the late 1990s. Then I called the phone number listed on the page, but was kept on hold for 45 minutes until it finally went to a voicemail that said: ‘I’m currently in Sydney on long-service leave and will be back after the Olympics.’”
At this point, a visibly shaken Mülleimer paused our interview to sit down, pulled a large handkerchief out of his Deuter backpack, and sat mopping his profusely sweating forehead. After regaining his composure, he said he simply couldn’t understand why Australians would make something as logical and straightforward as the Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz so needlessly confusing.
“It has long been a source of German national pride and a cornerstone of our bureaucratic superiority,” he said. “The Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz is the core legal and regulatory framework that governs the delegation of duties and administrative oversight for the supervision of cattle marking, beef labeling, and compliance checks from federal authorities to their regional counterparts. Why is that so difficult to understand?”
Unsatisfied with the butchers’ initial efforts, an enraged Mülleimer demanded they produce a copy of the official government compliance logbook, but after the two men spent about 10 minutes rummaging around the back of the shop, he was told it was being used to prop up an old chest freezer.
“Honestly, in all my years working for Siemens GmbH, Bosch GmbH, BMW GmbH, Audi GmbH, Porsche GmbH, and then Siemens GmbH again, and then Bosch GmbH again, I’ve never witnessed such an unconscionable vulgarisation of governmental administrative responsibility.”
Throughout our 25-minute interview, Mülleimer repeated stressed that his English was not perfect and apologised in advance for any technical inaccuracies.
“The entire process was farcical. The young man rolled his eyes when I insisted on paying with cash, then audibly groaned when I requested handwritten tax invoices, completed in triplicate, in line with Bavarian foreign expenditure tax deduction requirements. When I took the steaks and left, the owner called out ‘Yeah good onya, mate!’ but it was far too late for compliments at that point.”
A lobster-red Mülleimer then stated he would be making a formal complaint to the Department of Primary Industries and Regions and asked us to direct him to the nearest fax machine.
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