27 September, 2020 South Australia's other fake news source

Aspiring Magic Cave Father Christmas will probably settle for Parabanks gig again

For professional shopping centre Father Christmas Claude St Velcro, it’s become a case of take what you can get.

Every year, since St Velcro reached a weight fat enough to convincingly pass as the festive figure, he has applied to work in the Magic Cave in Adelaide department store David Jones. Every year his application has been knocked back, he’s hoping that this year will be different.

I have done everything in my power. I was told once “you’re not fat enough to be Santa”, so I gained 170 kilos. My doctor tells me that I probably won’t make it through to next Christmas, so it’s really all-or-nothing this time around

‘It’s just a big boys’ club’, says St Velcro about the Magic Cave’s allegedly unfair hiring practices. ‘I have done everything in my power. I was told once “you’re not fat enough to be Santa”, so I gained 170 kilos. My doctor tells me that I probably won’t make it through to next Christmas, so it’s really all-or-nothing this time around’.

In fact, experts have said that Claude’s chances of making it through to the new year are low.

‘The odds are slim’, says Dr Anushka Akselrose, ‘unlike Claude, who’s fat. Very, very fat’.

So what makes the would-be Santa so confident this year? ‘I’ve arranged for eight live reindeer to pull me into the interview room on a sleigh. Well…I’d have liked to, but I couldn’t get eight reindeer at such short notice. So I’ve hired three alpacas, a clydesdale, two camels and a couple of sausage dogs. I think they’ll get the point’.

in Life, News
Related Posts

Adelaide poaches Open Mouth Kissing Strangers You’ve Just Met Festival from Victoria

7 September, 2020

7 September, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT In news that has been sitting on our desk for years, but we never got around to writing...

300-year-old gum tree to be shipped in for Burnside Village redevelopment

10 March, 2020

10 March, 2020

With demolition works underway for the latest expansion to Burnside Village, the shopping centre’s owners have revealed their latest idea...

Mysterious combination of words unable to be deciphered by South Australians

8 August, 2018

8 August, 2018

Strange and possibly cryptic signs have been posted alongside South Australian major roads and highways. However, it is yet to...

Remaining KI koalas go missing as news of PM’s visit spreads

8 January, 2020

8 January, 2020

As news of the Prime Minister’s visit to Kangaroo Island spreads amongst what remains of Kangaroo Island’s koala community, the...

Man successfully connects to AdelaideFree wifi network

5 November, 2018

5 November, 2018

In what has been described as a once in a lifetime technological phenomenon, city worker Simon Line has defied astronomical...

Mix 102.3 accidentally goes 15 minutes without playing Smash Mouth

13 December, 2019

13 December, 2019

In an unfortunate series of mistakes that may cost Mix 102.3 in the year’s final round of radio ratings, the...

Keith Conlon announced as new drummer for I Killed The Prom Queen

27 November, 2018

27 November, 2018

In a bold new move by Adelaide’s metalcore kings I Killed The Prom Queen, the announcement of veteran radio broadcaster...

Uh-oh! This article is sponsored by some company, but we forgot who

20 February, 2019

20 February, 2019

After taking a look at The Betoota Advocate’s website and seeing how much advertising money we’re missing out on, we...

Old Tailem Town offers an accurate portrayal of life in South Australian country towns (in 2020)

14 September, 2020

14 September, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT South Australia’s favourite family attraction within an 80-minute drive, south-east of the city is (since Puzzle Park closed)...

Burnside girl with SACA membership actually spends 20 minutes watching the cricket

6 December, 2018

6 December, 2018

The Adelaide test match is renowned for its festive atmosphere, beautiful scenery and the heritage ground, but for many the...

Guy’s life definitely peaked in Year 5 when Deane Hutton picked him to help

16 April, 2020

16 April, 2020

Over twenty years years ago at Pennington Primary, the entire school had gathered to witness the grandest honour that could...

PAFC set to ban single-use plastic tarps

6 July, 2019

6 July, 2019

Renewing its commitment to sustainability, Port Adelaide Football Club today announced that they would be doing away with the single-use...

“Reality’s hitting home” – Now my shortcut through David Jones to the car park is gone!

24 March, 2020

24 March, 2020

Everything had been fine up until this point. You know, it’s bad and all that, I’m not trivialising the seriousness...

This ALDI cookware is such a bargain you’ll almost forget about Australia’s history of systemic racism

2 June, 2020

2 June, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT What a glorious year under the good graces of the ALDI gods it has been. Just when we...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: