18 January, 2020 South Australia's other fake news source

Aspiring Magic Cave Father Christmas will probably settle for Parabanks gig again

TRENT BARTLETT

For professional shopping centre Father Christmas Claude St Velcro, it’s become a case of take what you can get.

Every year, since St Velcro reached a weight fat enough to convincingly pass as the festive figure, he has applied to work in the Magic Cave in Adelaide department store David Jones. Every year his application has been knocked back, he’s hoping that this year will be different.

I have done everything in my power. I was told once “you’re not fat enough to be Santa”, so I gained 170 kilos. My doctor tells me that I probably won’t make it through to next Christmas, so it’s really all-or-nothing this time around

‘It’s just a big boys’ club’, says St Velcro about the Magic Cave’s allegedly unfair hiring practices. ‘I have done everything in my power. I was told once “you’re not fat enough to be Santa”, so I gained 170 kilos. My doctor tells me that I probably won’t make it through to next Christmas, so it’s really all-or-nothing this time around’.

In fact, experts have said that Claude’s chances of making it through to the new year are low.

‘The odds are slim’, says Dr Anushka Akselrose, ‘unlike Claude, who’s fat. Very, very fat’.

So what makes the would-be Santa so confident this year? ‘I’ve arranged for eight live reindeer to pull me into the interview room on a sleigh. Well…I’d have liked to, but I couldn’t get eight reindeer at such short notice. So I’ve hired three alpacas, a clydesdale, two camels and a couple of sausage dogs. I think they’ll get the point’.

in Life, News
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