New poll reveals if election were to be held tomorrow the Liberal Party would lose to that party who wants to introduce mandatory beatings for baby pandas

TRENT BARTLETT

A new statewide poll has delivered grim news for the South Australian Liberal Party, revealing that if an election were to be held tomorrow, they would be comfortably beaten by the newly formed ‘Family Values and Panda Discipline Party’.

The controversial group, whose sole policy involves the reintroduction of corporal punishment for endangered animals deemed “too smug,” has surged ahead in voter recognition, mainly because those polled read the phrase “Family Values” and don’t bother going any further. A similar approach taken by the Family First Party whose full, official party name was actually the ‘Family First, God Hates You If You’re Different, Fund The Rich, No Tax For Landlords’ Party.

As part of the polling, conducted by satirical newspaper The Advertiser, those polled were asked to name who the state’s opposition leader is. 12 per cent said ‘Steve Marshalls’, 14 per cent answered ‘Ken Hinkley’ while 44 per cent of respondents said ‘Bob Hawke’. The accuracy of the answers suggest a higher level of engagement with state politics than at any time in SA’s history.

Meanwhile, the Panda Discipline Party’s Leader and Quote Denier, Gary from Gawler, has credited the party’s rise to “just saying what everyone’s thinking about pandas,” though denies that the party’s policies are anti-immigration dog whistles despite being photographed next to a neo-Nazi at a rally on the weekend.

Gary cleared up the misunderstanding, telling Adelaide Mail that he “was just asking the neo-Nazi for directions”, though went on to further clarify that the directions were to another, much more aggressive anti-immigration protest.

Despite the poor numbers, the Liberals remain optimistic, claiming their support will “bounce back as soon as people remember we exist.”