Shocking new information out of the state’s south-east has revealed that many of the 49 birds who fell to a lethal strain of avian flu may have become indoctrinated with anti-vaccination misinformation prior to the mass mortality event.
Sources close to the families of the victims of the mortality event have told Adelaide Mail that many of the birds had become obsessed with the podcast from Australia’s most vanilla larrikin-cum-nazi apologist, Karl Stefanovic.
It’s understood that the greater crested tern, the species that has so far seen the largest number of H5N1 deaths in South Australia are typically skeptical of modern medicine and mainstream media. They’re also kind of racist towards non-native birds.
“My friend, Gareth, discovered an iPhone that had apparently been flung by a human from Cape Jaffa jetty after they listened to a recent episode of The Imperfects which told them to throw their phone in the rubbish. In typical human fashion, he apparently viewed the ocean as his rubbish bin”, one tern told Adelaide Mail.
“He learned how to access the Apple Podcasts app with his beak and stumbled across the Karl Stefanovic podcast which, I’ve got to be honest, has a lot of sensible opinions in it. Gareth and a bunch of other birds apparently got stuck into the back catalogue would quote the Pete Evans episode to each other while furiously nodding with each other in agreement with his anti-vax, anti-sunscreen, pro-perineum sunbathing views.”
Adelaide Mail pressed the tern on whether the deaths could have been avoided if they had simply opted to receive a very straightforward vaccination, but we must have worded the question poorly because the tern began interminably squawking at us.
“We’re not simply going to go around repeating the government’s mind control messages like some echolalic, house-trained cockatoos. Would those birds still be alive if they had the jab? Maybe. But for how long? How long until the chips would have been activated and they all had heart attacks so that Albo could steal my investment properties and help my boss replace me with cheaper, imported birds. We don’t need more pigeons over here, we barely have enough shoaling pelagic fish as it is.
“We flew here, you flew here…from a bit farther away.”
