9 April, 2020 South Australia's other fake news source

Turns out Christies Beach sludge spill just rejected Caleb Bond articles

A break-in at the Christies Beach sewage treatment plant has seen the nearby beach closed for a stretch of 200 metres after vandals released rejected article pitches from conservative youth sensation Caleb Bond.

Initial investigations indicate that a valve had been intentionally opened at the plant, seeing Bond’s rejected opinion pieces spew into the Gulf St Vincent.

SAPOL are investigating the incident and have admitted that they are baffled as to why anybody would choose to break into a sewage treatment plant, let alone one that is home to the treatment of works from the winner of Australia’s Most Young Liberal 2000-2015.

As far as I could tell, nothing of Caleb Bond’s was ever rejected. I thought it was just a case of “open your mouth and print whatever falls out”

Acting Assistant Deputy Vice Commissioner Johnson O’Shaughnessy told Adelaide Mail ‘at this stage we’re investigating all possible avenues. We have previously responded to reports from staff about Mr Bond. Police have found him, on occasion, wading through the sludge to fish out old articles of his, weeping, while shouting “why have you forsaken me, Andrew Bolt?”’.

‘But we’re certainly not suggesting that Mr Bond would ever cause this level of damage to the environment as a vanity project. We have worked with The Advertiser to ensure that Mr Bond’s sludge is restricted to within the online and print editions of the News Corp satirical newspaper. Any departure from this is not only outside of our legal agreement but also puts residents at great risk’.

Auditors from the EPA are still conducting tests of the contaminated water, however, with such articles as “The best young people are baby boomers” and “Why racist cartoons are actually good for minorities” there is little hope that the complete swimming ban will be lifted in the foreseeable future.

One journalist at satirical newspaper The Advertiser told Adelaide Mail ‘I’m shocked by all this. As far as I could tell, nothing of Caleb Bond’s was ever rejected. I thought it was just a case of “open your mouth and print whatever falls out”’.

in News
Related Posts

Salesman optimistic about selling in-ground pool to family holding Bertie Beetle showbags

31 August, 2018

31 August, 2018

When it comes to closing the deal, Christian Levolsi backs himself like few other salesmen, so when he was faced...

“Emo Park” rebrands as “Ska Park” in attempt to brighten reputation

3 October, 2019

3 October, 2019

The north-western pocket of Hindmarsh square has always been a strange place. Along with being home to what was awarded...

Old mate puts Holden badge on new Camaro

30 July, 2019

30 July, 2019

With the release of American muscle-car the Chevrolet Camaro to Australia, avid Holden fan Beau Ghan was excited to somehow get...

Dog & Duck social media guy fucking nails it, yet again

3 January, 2020

3 January, 2020

While most businesses are finding it harder and harder to have their voice heard on social media, Adelaide nightclub Dog...

SA Dentists host annual Farmers Union Iced Coffee appreciation night

9 December, 2019

9 December, 2019

South Australia’s dentists gathered for their industry’s night of nights on Saturday night, with their annual Farmers Union Thanksgiving Dinner....

Car controlled by bees still more courteous than most Adelaide drivers

26 September, 2019

26 September, 2019

In a growing trend to worry drivers and parents across Adelaide, South Australian motorists are surrendering their cars to swarms...

North Adelaide Roosters announce 78 co-captains

4 February, 2019

4 February, 2019

Following suit of the State’s AFL clubs and following their key to success, excess, North Adelaide Football Club have decided to...

Advertiser finance editor absolutely qualified to review Fringe shows

4 March, 2019

4 March, 2019

As tightening budgets continue to put pressure on satirical newspaper The Advertiser’s shrinking newsroom, the annual festival season has once...

Karen no longer knows how to threaten local businesses without Today Tonight

27 November, 2019

27 November, 2019

LET ME SPEAK TO THE MANAGER!: This morning as Clarence Gardens facebook-mum of two Karen Decrows, 43, set off for...

Modbury resident angered by suggestion she lives in Adelaide’s northern suburbs

14 June, 2018

14 June, 2018

Modbury resident Taryn Cooke has lashed out at fellow co-workers for mistakenly suggesting that she hails from the northern suburbs...

OTR already putting up signage on North East Road Holden dealership

26 February, 2020

26 February, 2020

With the news of Holden exiting the Australian market breaking, our petroleum and tobacco overlords have decided that they may...

Two die, one completes entire med degree queuing at Pt Elliot bakery

30 April, 2019

30 April, 2019

For the third time in as many years, wait times at a popular bakery in south coast retirement village Port...

Outrage as advertising projected on to Adelaide’s most famous cultural landmark

9 October, 2018

9 October, 2018

The iconic brick façade of Adelaide’s West End Brewery will be used to advertise a party supplies shop after SA premier Stephen...

Gawler line revealed to have nation’s lowest headphones-to-phone ratio

8 October, 2019

8 October, 2019

A new study has revealed that Adelaide’s northernmost train line leads the country in instances of mobile phones playing loud,...

International musician moves back to Adelaide to start boutique counterfeit winery

20 August, 2019

20 August, 2019

Rumours have it that US singer-songwriter and previous Adelaide resident Ben Folds is heading back to South Australia for a...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: