The South Australian Liberal Party has today entered its 1,174th consecutive day of Operation: Nobody Knows Who The Hell Our Leader Is — a strategy described by insiders as “deliberate”, “innovative”, and “Stephen? No wait, Steven? It’s definitely Steve-something.”
The identity of the party’s current leader remains a tightly held mystery. At least to this media organisation’s research department, which is, to be fair, one gen-z intern sat in front of a desk with TikTok open most of the day insisting “I don’t even use Google to search any more. I just look at TikTok”.
And before you judge us, let us point out that you didn’t even realise that the man in the photo at the top of this article is former Irish Prime Minister Leo Varadkar.
“Look, it’s definitely a guy,” one backbencher said. “Probably named Stephen. Or Stuart. One of those names you forget even while you’re saying it.”
While voters remain in the dark, the Liberals are already planning Stage Two: replacing whoever Stephen is with some Labrador in a blue tie. “The Labrador polls extremely well in the blue ribbon seats and doesn’t ask tricky questions like ‘should we be teaching sex ed in school?’,” said a strategist.
Meanwhile, the party remains laser-focused on the real issues affecting South Australians — namely, politicising abortion.
Still no word from Stephen. Or Simon? Definitely starts with an S.
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