Panic swept across the state this morning as thousands of South Australians reported hearing a persistent, high-pitched whining sound in their ears. While some feared a mass tinnitus outbreak, experts have confirmed the source: the Barmy Army has landed.
The notorious English cricket supporters, famous for their moral victories, relentless chanting and even more relentless complaining, touched down at Adelaide Airport ahead of the Test match. Within minutes, residents from Glenelg to Gawler began making audiologist appointments, describing the constant noise as “like a mosquito but more delusional, arrogant and disappointed.”
SA Health has issued a warning to all South Australians, advising people to “stay indoors and avoid prolonged exposure to regions prone to phrases like “the beer is too cold”, “the weather is too nice” and “it’s coming home”. With SA Health hearing specialist, Liz Tenning, stating “Unlike the English squad, hearing loss is no joke.”
The Premier addressed the crisis at a press conference:
“We understand this is a difficult time for South Australians. We ask everyone to remain calm, wear earplugs, and remember it’s only for five days…maximum. In reality, hearing symptoms should subside in three days, have you seen this side? Seriously, is this the best they’ve got?”
Locals are advised to prepare for increased whining levels near pubs, budget hotels, and anywhere that serves food. Experts predict the phenomenon will immediately cease once England inevitably collapses in the second innings.
