31 October, 2020 South Australia's other fake news source

‘What’s Sydney got that Adelaide doesn’t?’ says man who can’t find job

Unemployed volleyball salesman and indiscriminately parochial South Australian Conrad Junkles is often leaping to the defence of his home state. Most recently, Junkles found himself on the front foot for SA following a neighbour’s business trip.

The unprompted defence of the state came as Conrad’s neighbour Enid Schilling returned from the airport to her Warradale home.

‘He pretty much ran up to the Uber as I was getting out, I thought he wanted to give me a hand with my bags’, recounts Schilling. ‘Instead he just started quizzing me about the traffic in Sydney’.

‘He goes “How was the drive to the airport? Slow I bet, always is. Or did you take the train? How much does that cost now? Thirty bucks? Forty bucks? Could never charge that in Adelaide”. I reminded him that there wasn’t a train to the airport in Adelaide but he didn’t seem like he could hear me’.

‘Then out of nowhere he starts listing off wine regions, going “Barossa, Clare, Langhorne Creek, McLaren Vale, of course. Everything you need right here. Yes sir”. He doesn’t even drink wine. I gave him a nice pinot for Christmas one year because he wouldn’t shut up about wine. He didn’t know what to do with it. He literally tried to mix it with ginger ale, then said that’s how his family drinks the stuff up Coonawarra way’.

‘Then he started listing companies that formerly had their head offices here in Adelaide. Alphabetically. I got as far as Adelaide Steamship Company then went inside’.

‘Anyway, later that night I was doing the washing up when he taps on the kitchen window pointing to a photo of Maggie Beer saying “You’ve got everything you need right on your doorstep”. I closed the blinds’.

Editor’s note: If you happen to know of any prospective employment for Junkles, please contact the Adelaide Mail. He has a driver’s license and is happy to travel up to 10 minutes to get to work and refuses to take public transport or let other drivers merge into his lane. 

Related Posts

Man actually chooses to sit in this seat

26 April, 2019

26 April, 2019

With the vast majority of city commuters taking this week off, Kramdin Numpteedu of Klemzig has had his fair share...

SA Water announce new Adelaide theme park ‘Burst Water Main World’

8 August, 2019

8 August, 2019

In an attempt to diversify revenue streams ahead of its probable privatisation, SA Water has revealed plans to open its...

Stirling stoner claims local chemist name is misleading

3 February, 2020

3 February, 2020

An Adelaide Hills stay-at-home adult daughter and Oreos connoisseur Chakra Vortwenti is claiming that the name of her local pharmacy...

‘You can’t pay off COVID fines using free drink cards’, Zhivago owners told

20 July, 2020

20 July, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT After copping thousands of dollars in fines for breaking COVID-19 restrictions, the owners of Zhivago have been told...

Showy Reynella family splash out on leather recliner for front porch

11 February, 2019

11 February, 2019

For as long as the Tonstelhans have lived on Highercombe Street in Reynella they have been trying to out-do their...

PM Scott Morrison takes credit for stopping the Buffalo

14 October, 2018

14 October, 2018

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has taken credit for stopping the land-bound, abandoned restaurant the HMS Buffalo while on a whistle-stop...

Disgraced Prince Sent on Retreat to Andrews Farm

19 November, 2019

19 November, 2019

In a move as ill-conceived as allowing Prince Andrew to give the BBC an interview about his relationship with disgraced...

We rank Adelaide’s top (and only) 3 working digital Adelaide Metro signs

18 November, 2019

18 November, 2019

What was meant to be Adelaide Mail’s first barely readable, every item on a different page, advertisement clogged ‘Top 10 List’, has...

Local “Teddy Bear Hunt” replaced with far easier “Mastrangelo Real Estate Sign Hunt”

20 April, 2020

20 April, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT Parents around Adelaide’s suburbs (looking for ways to distract their kids from the tedium of life that only...

Salisbury mum returns to OTR to buy carton of ciggies with wheelbarrow full of shrapnel

5 January, 2019

5 January, 2019

After reportedly being denied being able to buy milk and bread with a few fifty cents pieces, the single mother...

Kid dressed as Britannia Roundabout wins Adelaide’s scariest costume contest

31 October, 2020

31 October, 2020

DAN SCHMIDT Britani-AHH!!: Adelaide held its annual scariest Halloween costume contest this morning, with thousands of children from all around...

Courteous paperboy throws Messenger right next to recycle bin

13 September, 2018

13 September, 2018

Loading up the milkcrate strapped to the front of his BMX each Wednesday after school, Jackson DeGoris prepares for his...

South Aussies to ask ‘Keeping Cool?’ a record 47 billion times today

20 November, 2019

20 November, 2019

With Adelaide bracing for its hottest day since March, Adelaideans are readying themselves for an onslaught of inquisitiveness about the...

170kg Clapham man favourite for Bay Sheffield after being handed 105m handicap

28 December, 2018

28 December, 2018

Cuddly giant Kade Gypsum has steamed ahead as the bookies’ favourite for the iconic Bay Sheffield foot race after being...

Goodwood Road cemetery to add severed head sculpture to existing public artwork

5 July, 2020

5 July, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT A Goodwood Road cemetery is looking to increase the number of sculptures depicting severed appendages in a renewed...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: