25 January, 2021 South Australia's other fake news source

City dads mourn the closure of their sole fashion source

Dads from around Adelaide have gathered to pay silent tribute to their sole source of clothing and style advice following the closure of Harris Scarfe’s Rundle Mall store.

As city workers filed out of the CBD at the end of yesterday’s work day, a seemingly endless sea of sneans and polo shirts took their place, in scenes that some compared to the annual pilgrimage to Mecca.

They were chanting “Praise be to the New Balance, praise”

Around 120,000 South Australian dads are reported to have made their way to Rundle Place, leaving Adelaide’s BBQs Galore stores, Par 3 golf courses and C-grade soccer training sessions completely empty. Although anybody who shows up for C-grade training is a filthy overachiever.

‘I saw the first of them approaching and I was terrified’, says CBD Flautist Dentist Jogsby Victor. ‘Mainly I was terrified because I had just changed the temperature on the air conditioning. When I looked up and saw a sea of pretty stern-looking dads, I thought “Jesus, this is me done here”’.

‘Thankfully they just all slowly passed by, well, most of them did. Once I got changed into my runners after work, I had about two dozen of these guys stop and kiss my shoes. They were chanting “Praise be to the New Balance, praise”’. 

‘They are comfy shoes, I suppose, but bowing down to worship them seems a little overboard. To me, they’re a more modern god, who are quite happy with a quiet reverence and maybe a few modern rock albums written in their name’.

We reached out to New Balance to sponsor the above article, but they kindly refused and then sent our lawyers a cease and desist. We’re pretending not to have read it yet.

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