19 January, 2021 South Australia's other fake news source

Peter Van the Party Man really just wants a quiet night in with the kids

It’s been over thirty years of non-stop debauchery for Goodwood Road’s most-famous party man Peter Van, but his days of all-nighters may soon be over as the decades of parties begin to catch up with him.

The announcement came from Van himself on Monday, as the tired looking party animal fronted a press conference to tackle his impending night off and future plans.

‘The time has come to step aside from the partying business’, announced Van as he removed his sunglasses to reveal eyes that were propped open with two matchsticks Bugs Bunny-style.

From Monday the shopfront will read “Peter Van the Suburban Dad Who Talks Fondly About His Party Days However Now Really Values His Family Time and My Wife Played No Part In This Decision”

‘It’s a younger man’s game. I only fell into partying as a business because my name kinda rhymed. I didn’t really think about exactly what it would entail. To be honest, I’m not really sure how it’s a sustainable business model’.

‘Customers would walk into my store and I’d think “excellent, they want to buy some balloons or maybe one of my sexy Chewbacca costumes”, but no. They all just want to pay me to party with them. I don’t know why. It’s not like there’s anything in my business name that makes people think that’s what I do for a job. I really just want to go to sleep’.

After receiving a compulsory acquisition order for his business’s land, Van is taking the opportunity re-brand. From Monday the shopfront will read “Peter Van the Suburban Dad Who Talks Fondly About His Party Days However Now Really Values His Family Time and My Wife Played No Part In This Decision”.

Related Posts

Man actually chooses to sit in this seat

26 April, 2019

26 April, 2019

With the vast majority of city commuters taking this week off, Kramdin Numpteedu of Klemzig has had his fair share...

Election announced: Someone in Mt Barker orders 1,000 novelty cheques

11 April, 2019

11 April, 2019

Following the announcement from acting Prime Minister Scott Morrison that Australians will go to the polls on May 18th, somebody...

Para Hills resident claims she’s from the Adelaide Hills

14 February, 2019

14 February, 2019

Seeking to up her social status and property value, Brittney Mounts of Para Hills has decided that her suburb counts...

Moana commuter really appreciates that 20m stretch of Fiveash Dr with the 70kmh speed limit

30 June, 2020

30 June, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT A Moana resident who commutes to Adelaide’s eastern suburbs every day for work, has once again sent his...

Plans for Adelaide Hills Theme Park ‘Magic Mount Lofty’ announced

22 March, 2019

22 March, 2019

The Adelaide Hills Council have announced development plans for a ‘new’ theme park at the state’s most popular hiking destination...

Nu-Metal band sees potential in Adelaide Real Estate Market

6 June, 2019

6 June, 2019

With the Adelaide Real Estate market still representing great value for investors and first home buyers, a new agency established...

Advertiser’s top 100 restaurant list just Barnacle Bill 100 times

16 October, 2019

16 October, 2019

Usually the number one source of fish and chip paper itself, our State’s leading satirical newspaper The Advertiser has surprised...

Lifetime Golden Grove resident still doesn’t know difference between Grove Way and Golden Way

30 September, 2020

30 September, 2020

Despite living at “World’s Best Address” for over thirty years, Dellfyn Targethill still struggles with basic geographical concepts in his...

Government shocked when video of weeping man doesn’t encourage tourists to flock to SA

22 January, 2020

22 January, 2020

A baffling marketing campaign featuring an elderly man weeping as he toured throughout South Australia’s tourism hot spots has been...

Thousands of Port fans call in ‘sick’, empty office chairs everywhere tarped

13 May, 2019

13 May, 2019

Thousands of Port Power fans from around the state have chucked a sickie today, knowing full well they are incapable...

City resident can’t go twenty minutes without telling someone they live in the CBD

15 October, 2018

15 October, 2018

Even after months after moving into her new South Terrace apartment, Ebony Higgs of Adelaide, continues to remind everyone of...

“Reality’s hitting home” – Now my shortcut through David Jones to the car park is gone!

24 March, 2020

24 March, 2020

Everything had been fine up until this point. You know, it’s bad and all that, I’m not trivialising the seriousness...

Murray Bridge to build Big Savoury Slice

14 August, 2019

14 August, 2019

In an effort to boost tourism numbers and become one of those ‘random big thing’ regional towns, the rural City...

PM Scott Morrison takes credit for stopping the Buffalo

14 October, 2018

14 October, 2018

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has taken credit for stopping the land-bound, abandoned restaurant the HMS Buffalo while on a whistle-stop...

Stirling celebrates record low crime, waste, and vaccination rates

12 December, 2018

12 December, 2018

The Adelaide Hills town of Stirling is celebrating at the end of this year, with statistics showing a trifecta of...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: