25 May, 2022

Peter Van the Party Man really just wants a quiet night in with the kids

It’s been over thirty years of non-stop debauchery for Goodwood Road’s most-famous party man Peter Van, but his days of all-nighters may soon be over as the decades of parties begin to catch up with him.

The announcement came from Van himself on Monday, as the tired looking party animal fronted a press conference to tackle his impending night off and future plans.

‘The time has come to step aside from the partying business’, announced Van as he removed his sunglasses to reveal eyes that were propped open with two matchsticks Bugs Bunny-style.

From Monday the shopfront will read “Peter Van the Suburban Dad Who Talks Fondly About His Party Days However Now Really Values His Family Time and My Wife Played No Part In This Decision”

‘It’s a younger man’s game. I only fell into partying as a business because my name kinda rhymed. I didn’t really think about exactly what it would entail. To be honest, I’m not really sure how it’s a sustainable business model’.

‘Customers would walk into my store and I’d think “excellent, they want to buy some balloons or maybe one of my sexy Chewbacca costumes”, but no. They all just want to pay me to party with them. I don’t know why. It’s not like there’s anything in my business name that makes people think that’s what I do for a job. I really just want to go to sleep’.

After receiving a compulsory acquisition order for his business’s land, Van is taking the opportunity re-brand. From Monday the shopfront will read “Peter Van the Suburban Dad Who Talks Fondly About His Party Days However Now Really Values His Family Time and My Wife Played No Part In This Decision”.

Related Posts

Elon Musk buys AdelaideFree Wifi for thirty bucks and a carton of West End

28 April, 2022

28 April, 2022

After buying Twitter earlier this week for over 60 billion dollars, Tesla CEO and apartheid mining heir Elon Musk has...

Ken Hinkley spotted scouting Tea Tree Gully over 35’s Masters team for better talent

2 April, 2022

2 April, 2022

After starting the season with three straight losses including a Showdown loss against a team who “can’t handball and can’t...

Save big with your SAFM 107 Card at these places today!

27 March, 2019

27 March, 2019

Here at Adelaide Mail, we’ve got some pretty powerful friends in high places, which means our proverbial fingers are on...

Guy’s life definitely peaked in Year 5 when Deane Hutton picked him to help

16 April, 2020

16 April, 2020

Over twenty years years ago at Pennington Primary, the entire school had gathered to witness the grandest honour that could...

Man successfully connects to AdelaideFree wifi network

5 November, 2018

5 November, 2018

In what has been described as a once in a lifetime technological phenomenon, city worker Simon Line has defied astronomical...

South Aussies to ask ‘Keeping Cool?’ a record 47 billion times today

20 November, 2019

20 November, 2019

With Adelaide bracing for its hottest day since March, Adelaideans are readying themselves for an onslaught of inquisitiveness about the...

Chief Medical Officer dismisses conspiracy theory that blames 5G for Caleb Bond

11 May, 2020

11 May, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT The state’s deputy-deputy chief medical officer Dr Morris Gypsum has dismissed a conspiracy theory that points the finger...

“Never drink Coopers again? I didn’t say that.” says man who definitely said that

3 January, 2019

3 January, 2019

MATTHEW DEVITT In an astonishing reverse of his staunch moral standing, Ascot Park man David Baker has come under scrutiny...

Colour blind uni student argues superiority of green and white cafe

5 October, 2019

5 October, 2019

A colour blind University of Adelaide arts student has found himself in an overly heated argument about the relative virtues...

We rank Adelaide’s most livable suburbs

10 June, 2021

10 June, 2021 1

With the announcement of Adelaide being ranked the world’s 3rd most livable city, the time has come to take a...

Elon Musk regrets not getting a second slab of West End from The Commercial Hotel in Jamestown

28 June, 2018

28 June, 2018

Global entrepreneur and deadset legend, Elon Musk, is still reminiscing about installing the world’s largest battery in South Australia’s far...

Single guy reckons going to Urrbrae qualifies him for ‘Farmer Wants a Wife’

19 August, 2019

19 August, 2019

Local bachelor, avid vaper, and Urrbrae dropout Nick Telecom has been looking for love for some time now, he told...

Power fan with ‘Est. 1870’ tattoo tells Crows fan to ‘stop living in past’

5 April, 2019

5 April, 2019

Albert Tonne is one of those ‘passionate’ Port Power fans, he attends most Power home games (unless it’s a little cloudy or...

Adelaide’s Top 5 Instagram Accounts

1 June, 2021

1 June, 2021

Look, we’re too lazy and unfunny to come up with a new hilarious headline for you all today. So we...

Goodwood Road cemetery to add severed head sculpture to existing public artwork

5 July, 2020

5 July, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT A Goodwood Road cemetery is looking to increase the number of sculptures depicting severed appendages in a renewed...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: