27 January, 2021 South Australia's other fake news source

New “DogKeeper” package grants people $10,000 in Dogs Dollars for rent or Smirnoff Double Blacks

TRENT BARTLETT

As South Australia grapples with the ongoing economic impact of COVID-19, the Federal Government has moved to stimulate one important financial sector, the local Dog & Duck microeconomy.

While some argue against the economic rationale of devoting approximately ten billion dollars from the Federal budget to a dingy Adelaide nightspot, others have lauded the announcement from the Treasurer to ‘keep the economy from going to the dogs by letting them go to Dog’s.’

The scheme allows every Australian citizen aged 18 and under the option to convert up to $10,000 of their super fund to Dogs Dollars

Although many argued that the new DogKeeper scheme is nothing more than an opportunity to crowbar that ham-fisted soundbite into a press conference.

The scheme allows every Australian citizen aged 18 and under the option to convert up to $10,000 of their super fund to Dogs Dollars, a novelty currency accepted only at Hindley Street dive/nightclub the Dog & Duck.

And while some have questioned the ethics and reasoning behind pumping around one per cent of Australia’s GDP into the Dog & Duck, those on the receiving end of the Dogs Dollars are smiling all the way to the bank.

Randstadt Colquhoun is the Chief Marketing Officer and Bottle Capper at Smirnoff Beverages Australia and says that the new scheme has been a boon for his business.

‘When the lockdown laws first came into effect our company was staring down the very real possibility of a first quarter loss…purely because our most important demographic, underage teens, were no longer able to enjoy our product…mainly because their parents were hanging around home all the time,’ Colquhoun told Adelaide Mail while performing something called a “snorkel” with a Smirnoff Double Black and a straw.

‘But this quarter is on track to become our best on record. Although the vast majority of our takings are in Dogs Dollars, which means that we either have to spend all of our revenue at Dogs or convince other portions of the economy to start accepting the DDs as a form of currency. We’ve had no luck at Harvey Norman’s yet, but we reckon the Good Guys would be on board.’

Related Posts

Subscribe to Adelaide Mail for a free set of headphones

25 June, 2019

25 June, 2019

With the state’s largest satirical newspaper, The Advertiser, currently attempting to lure the fellow kids into subscribing to their state...

Misguided Get This tribute lands nerds in middle of Veale Gardens beat

4 July, 2019

4 July, 2019

An ill-advised tribute tour of every landmark referenced in cult Triple M radio show Get This has ended in the...

Gawler line passenger set for great day after altercation-free commute

17 October, 2018

17 October, 2018

Startling footage has emerged from a security camera on-board an Adelaide-bound Gawler train this morning showing an entirely incident-free trip....

SA leads nation in problem drinkers masked as wine connoisseurs

25 October, 2019

25 October, 2019

In yet another example of South Australia leading its counterparts in important lifestyle statistics, a new study has revealed that...

Chief Medical Officer dismisses conspiracy theory that blames 5G for Caleb Bond

11 May, 2020

11 May, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT The state’s deputy-deputy chief medical officer Dr Morris Gypsum has dismissed a conspiracy theory that points the finger...

OTR’s solution to unhappy customers: Get rid of the angry man button

3 December, 2019

3 December, 2019

Having grown annoyed at the constant stream of customers pushing the ‘angry’ button upon exit, OTR has moved to eliminate...

Sober Sea & Vines patron can still hear DJ Ötzi’s Hey Baby in his ears

11 June, 2019

11 June, 2019

Having committed to a well-intentioned but poorly-timed ‘month off the turps’ Alsace Lorraine found himself as designated driver for this...

Two die, one completes entire med degree queuing at Pt Elliot bakery

30 April, 2019

30 April, 2019

For the third time in as many years, wait times at a popular bakery in south coast retirement village Port...

Adelaide 36ers to change name to “Adelaide BCers” to honour traditional landowners

8 September, 2020

8 September, 2020

MATT FREEMAN With the Washington Redskins finally realizing the bloody obvious, that their nickname is actually racially offensive, the Adelaide...

Power fan really hopes those photos from 1993 never resurface

16 October, 2020

16 October, 2020

1993, it was a simpler time. No social media, you could still smoke on public transport (well you weren’t meant...

Easter weekend marks beginning of ‘Be afraid to wear your Kathmandu jacket in public’ season

11 April, 2020

11 April, 2020

It’s easy to forget that Easter carries with it a deeper, important meaning for so many in our community. For...

OTR owners to install giant sun-blocking device over Adelaide

18 December, 2018

18 December, 2018

South Australia’s omnipotent overlords the Peregrine Corporation have proposed an eternal solution to guaranteeing demand for 24/7 convenience stores and...

Big Red Car mag wheels stolen at Elizabeth City Centre

31 October, 2018

31 October, 2018

Disappointed children and slightly relieved parents have arrived at Elizabeth Shopping Centre to find the multi-coloured mag wheels stolen from...

Township of Gawler produces another tradie

20 June, 2019

20 June, 2019

After committing hundreds of man-hours and thousands of dollars to a town-wide search, the northern Adelaide township of Gawler has...

Bowden plant sale customer will definitely keep them alive this time

6 May, 2019

6 May, 2019

Serial houseplant murderer Juniper Cortisol may have a track record in buying and subsequently killing all of her previous houseplants,...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: