23 October, 2026 South Australia's Other Fake News Source

“Thanks Optus!”, FIVEaa listener laments wasted morning spent unable to text what “he reckons”

TRENT BARTLETT

With the full scale of this morning’s Optus outage still to be fully understood, sociologists are urging the public to remember those most brutally affected by the network’s downtime.

The Adelaide Research Society of Ethnographers (ARSE) contends that talkback radio listeners are among the most at-risk of never recovering from the outage’s knock-on effects.

Head of Talkback Radio Engagement & Shortcake Biscuits On Tuesdays Josper Greenfoot says that ARSE has spoken to at least four dozen retirement-aged men who were desperate to share their opinions on South Australian teachers, but couldn’t.

‘Sure we’ve heard all about the ambos’ phones not ringing or whatever, but I’ve heard from at least five men that they were trying all morning to text Will and Penbo their thoughts on Glenn Maxwell’s innings but couldn’t,’ says Greenfoot.

‘At least two of them thought that “Maxy’s gotta be in the test team for the Windies”, while another thought that “Maxy is the future of our opening and middle orders as well as our spin option and pace attack”. I mean these thoughts cannot be sitting unsent in sixty-year-old mens’ messages app.

A candlelight vigil will be held for Adelaide’s sixty-year-old male talkback radio listeners in Hindmarsh Square tomorrow morning from 7am.

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