Almost five years on from the release of their bold roadmap to win three premierships and attract 100,000 members by 2026, Port Adelaide Football Club reckons we should refrain from judging their success for now.
The ambitious plan, wordily titled the ‘We’ll Never Stop, Stop, Stop Until Three Flags and 100,000 Members Are Ours For The Taking Strategic Plan, 2021_Final-version [Print Version]” also shared aspirations to clear the club’s debt, launch an AFLW team and “go a week without our Chairman saying or doing something fucking stupid”.
While the club succeeded at a number of off-field goals, their success on-field has been notably evasive. Port Adelaide’s Head of Vote Brigading for INXS Songs in the Hottest 100, Deloitte Grassputrin told Adelaide Mail that we should be looking at all the good things Port has been able to do for the past half a decade.
“We fired Ken. That wasn’t on the list in fairness, but we couldn’t really write that down on paper, I had to have dinner with him. We also got rid of Tredders which is handy because he’d refuse to start any board meeting until we had assured him that he’s not being detained. Plus he’s saying that we owe him 12 imperial tons of doubloons and I have no idea what he’s talking about.”
While the club has not yet achieved the glory they had hoped for, Grassputrin says that not all hope is gone. “Kochie’s got ideas, he assures us. At least I think he does, he came in to the club and presented something to us the other day and he had this talking meerkat with him. Well, I say ‘came in to the club’, he appeared via video link, although he was having trouble hearing us, not sure the connection was working. But he was on screen for about 30 seconds and was very compelling, he and his meerkat friend saved us a bunch of money on our building insurance. He’s a great operator.”
It is understood Port Adelaide were inspired by the success Richmond achieved after promising to win three flags in ten years, Grassputrin told Adelaide Mail that “five is less than ten and that’s better. I think every club should promise to win at least three premierships every year.”
Port insiders told Adelaide Mail that they are still hopeful they can win two-to-three flags before next week.
