5 October, 2022

Local pisshead really enjoying this ‘Dry July’ so far

Regency Park resident and drunkard Al Koholic has had a fantastic, albeit technically wrong, start to the popular ‘Dry July’ campaign.

‘When I first saw this whole “Dry July” concept some of my mates were doing on Facebook, I thought maybe it’s time I take some control my drinking’, stated Al. ‘I usually drink a lot of whatever. Wine, whisky, gin, turps, Torrens water, metho, even the odd West End can if I’m really desperate, you name it. So I thought if I could join the “Dry July” challenge, which I assume is only drinking Coopers Dry for an entire month, then that could really help me out’.

My skin feels more hydrated, because the stuff is essentially water anyway, so I’m feeling on top of the world

So for the past two days, and for the rest of the month, Al will consume no liquid other than Coopers Dry, entirely missing the point of the traditional “Dry July” concept, but somehow still healthier for him than his usual drinking patterns.

‘It was a challenge at first,’ admitted Al ‘instead of my evening case of red wine I had a Dry, instead of my morning coffee I had a Dry, instead of milk I had Dry on my Cornflakes, instead of rinsing with Listerine, Dry. It was a lot to get used to, plus I’ve bought 60 cartons of the stuff, could barely navigate around my apartment two days ago’.

But Al admits that he is already feeling the health benefits. ‘My head is so much clearer, my skin feels more hydrated, because the stuff is essentially water anyway, so I’m feeling on top of the world’.

When asked if he believes he could continue this pattern for the rest of the month he replied ‘it’s not going to be easy, but I’ve just got to keep reminding myself that it’s all for a good cause. Raising awareness for Coopers Brewery’s worst beer’.

Related Posts

Subscribe to Adelaide Mail for a free set of headphones

25 June, 2019

25 June, 2019

With the state’s largest satirical newspaper, The Advertiser, currently attempting to lure the fellow kids into subscribing to their state...

(BOT ARTICLE) O-Bahn takes Caleb Bond to Chidda for Iced Coffee drink

14 December, 2020

14 December, 2020

NOTE: It’s the end of the year and we’re running out of ideas. So we decided to put every Adelaide...

More like “Slowa Pasta” says local comedic genius

9 August, 2019

9 August, 2019

As a group of friends decided to treat themselves 1998’s best dining experience, little did they know what was in...

Stupid Klemzig resident gets on express bus again

1 October, 2019

1 October, 2019

For the fourth time in as many weeks, Branden Burg of Klemzig has once again managed to find himself on...

Wayville Physio still recovering from closure of Mad Mouse

31 August, 2018

31 August, 2018

It’s been over a decade since the closure of Adelaide’s iconic roller-coaster the ‘Mad Mouse’, but the financial impacts can still...

Gran no longer needs to save her dollar coins for “laundry”

27 September, 2019

27 September, 2019

For the past twenty years grandmother Judice Freespins has been known to save every dollar coin she comes across for her...

Christopher Pyne quits politics to spend more time doing what he loves

1 March, 2019

1 March, 2019

In a coup for Adelaide Mail readers, outgoing Federal Defence Minister Christopher Pyne has revealed what his plans are for...

Man celebrates 40th birthday by agreeing with Leon Byner for the first time

12 October, 2018

12 October, 2018

Drew Ratcage has never been too bothered by the prospect of turning 40, that was until he found himself nodding...

Burnside teen reports child abuse after dad refuses to buy her BMW X3

28 August, 2019

28 August, 2019

A 16-year-old Burnside girl has resorted to reporting her father to the Department for Child Protection after he refused to...

Mix 102.3 accidentally goes 15 minutes without playing Smash Mouth

13 December, 2019

13 December, 2019

In an unfortunate series of mistakes that may cost Mix 102.3 in the year’s final round of radio ratings, the...

BREAKING: Modbury Hospital still a really fugly building

19 July, 2021

19 July, 2021 1

With news of a positive COVID-19 case in the North-East suburbs, we hope that it is fully vaccinated against the...

Calm down Jessica, it’s Lofty, not Everest

21 December, 2018

21 December, 2018

With a backpack full of rations, emergency supplies, and flares, Jessica Peak is fully equipped for her 3.9km Waterfall Gully to Mount...

Bloke asking ‘Which Freeway do you mean?’ definitely not from here

5 November, 2019

5 November, 2019

A motorist who stopped at a Glen Osmond Road service station for directions to the closest mechanical likeness of a mythical...

Addicts reduced to drinking Dare as iced coffee shortage hits

16 April, 2019

16 April, 2019

With the state in the midst of a regional Farmers Union Iced Coffee shortage, scores of heavily-addicted South Australians have...

Netflix to release Last Dance sequel about another team’s 97-98 former glory

17 May, 2020

17 May, 2020

As ‘The Last Dance’ documentary series about the 1997-1998 Chicago Bulls wraps up, Netflix has announced another series will be...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: