25 January, 2021 South Australia's other fake news source

Local pisshead really enjoying this ‘Dry July’ so far

Regency Park resident and drunkard Al Koholic has had a fantastic, albeit technically wrong, start to the popular ‘Dry July’ campaign.

‘When I first saw this whole “Dry July” concept some of my mates were doing on Facebook, I thought maybe it’s time I take some control my drinking’, stated Al. ‘I usually drink a lot of whatever. Wine, whisky, gin, turps, Torrens water, metho, even the odd West End can if I’m really desperate, you name it. So I thought if I could join the “Dry July” challenge, which I assume is only drinking Coopers Dry for an entire month, then that could really help me out’.

My skin feels more hydrated, because the stuff is essentially water anyway, so I’m feeling on top of the world

So for the past two days, and for the rest of the month, Al will consume no liquid other than Coopers Dry, entirely missing the point of the traditional “Dry July” concept, but somehow still healthier for him than his usual drinking patterns.

‘It was a challenge at first,’ admitted Al ‘instead of my evening case of red wine I had a Dry, instead of my morning coffee I had a Dry, instead of milk I had Dry on my Cornflakes, instead of rinsing with Listerine, Dry. It was a lot to get used to, plus I’ve bought 60 cartons of the stuff, could barely navigate around my apartment two days ago’.

But Al admits that he is already feeling the health benefits. ‘My head is so much clearer, my skin feels more hydrated, because the stuff is essentially water anyway, so I’m feeling on top of the world’.

When asked if he believes he could continue this pattern for the rest of the month he replied ‘it’s not going to be easy, but I’ve just got to keep reminding myself that it’s all for a good cause. Raising awareness for Coopers Brewery’s worst beer’.

Related Posts

Move over Mods! This wrestler’s changing his name to Ian Perrie in tribute of the OTHER Crows legend

29 October, 2020

29 October, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT Earlier this week it was revealed that a WWE wrestler had changed his name to that of former...

Adelaide Uni law student disappoints family of doctors

24 April, 2019

24 April, 2019

Sometimes having the best opportunities in life does not necessarily lead to fulfilling every expectation. Few things illuminate this concept...

Bus uses self-destruct function after learning it will be servicing new Hackham to Hillbank route

19 May, 2020

19 May, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT An Adelaide Metro bus who recently learned that it will be redeployed into a new route servicing some...

South Australians tipped to consume $3bn worth of Zooper Doopers today

24 January, 2019

24 January, 2019

While many today will be doing their best to not think about just how high the mercury is expected to...

Burnside SUV driver will definitely only be five minutes in the loading zone

20 July, 2018

20 July, 2018

Burnside stay-at-home daughter Jacinta Hyacinth was caught short this morning on her usual coffee meet with the girls at trendy...

Advertiser’s top 100 restaurant list just Barnacle Bill 100 times

16 October, 2019

16 October, 2019

Usually the number one source of fish and chip paper itself, our State’s leading satirical newspaper The Advertiser has surprised...

Top two levels “still as exciting as ever” say Myer Centre management

12 April, 2019

12 April, 2019

In a bid to entice more people into an ageing, largely vacant shopping centre, the management of the Myer Centre...

Stirling stoner claims local chemist name is misleading

3 February, 2020

3 February, 2020

An Adelaide Hills stay-at-home adult daughter and Oreos connoisseur Chakra Vortwenti is claiming that the name of her local pharmacy...

Next round of JobKeeper payments to be means-tested on whether your family can afford this milk

3 September, 2020

3 September, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT With Commonwealth funds rapidly running out due to the decisions of a welfare-obsessed, handout-crazed Federal Labor government, Treasury...

Power fan really hopes those photos from 1993 never resurface

16 October, 2020

16 October, 2020

1993, it was a simpler time. No social media, you could still smoke on public transport (well you weren’t meant...

Barossa local, who definitely has bigger things to worry about now, is angry you’re saying NuriOOPTA

30 March, 2020

30 March, 2020

Of all the things that a Barossa Valley resident could be getting angry at right now, Larry Hyphen-Colon has chosen...

Looming end of winter great news for cable tie manufacturers

15 August, 2019

15 August, 2019

The looming end of Adelaide’s winter signifies two things for most South Australians: re-emerging from your house at night after...

Bloke in bucket hat heads straight to Maslins bushes for some reason

8 November, 2019

8 November, 2019

A Gawler man has confounded onlookers upon his arrival at Adelaide’s Maslin Beach, appearing wearing a bucket hat, long pants...

“Stop all these bloody Adelaide city highrises” says Willunga resident

1 August, 2018

1 August, 2018

Gerald Manser, 62, of Willunga has had enough of CBD development. On his yearly trip to the city for a...

Greenhills Adventure Park equipment repurposed for new ‘Greenhill Road Adventure Park’

1 February, 2019

1 February, 2019

After closing over two years ago, Victor Harbor’s biggest attraction and insurance liability Greenhills Adventure Park will have a new...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: