26 May, 2022

Local pisshead really enjoying this ‘Dry July’ so far

Regency Park resident and drunkard Al Koholic has had a fantastic, albeit technically wrong, start to the popular ‘Dry July’ campaign.

‘When I first saw this whole “Dry July” concept some of my mates were doing on Facebook, I thought maybe it’s time I take some control my drinking’, stated Al. ‘I usually drink a lot of whatever. Wine, whisky, gin, turps, Torrens water, metho, even the odd West End can if I’m really desperate, you name it. So I thought if I could join the “Dry July” challenge, which I assume is only drinking Coopers Dry for an entire month, then that could really help me out’.

My skin feels more hydrated, because the stuff is essentially water anyway, so I’m feeling on top of the world

So for the past two days, and for the rest of the month, Al will consume no liquid other than Coopers Dry, entirely missing the point of the traditional “Dry July” concept, but somehow still healthier for him than his usual drinking patterns.

‘It was a challenge at first,’ admitted Al ‘instead of my evening case of red wine I had a Dry, instead of my morning coffee I had a Dry, instead of milk I had Dry on my Cornflakes, instead of rinsing with Listerine, Dry. It was a lot to get used to, plus I’ve bought 60 cartons of the stuff, could barely navigate around my apartment two days ago’.

But Al admits that he is already feeling the health benefits. ‘My head is so much clearer, my skin feels more hydrated, because the stuff is essentially water anyway, so I’m feeling on top of the world’.

When asked if he believes he could continue this pattern for the rest of the month he replied ‘it’s not going to be easy, but I’ve just got to keep reminding myself that it’s all for a good cause. Raising awareness for Coopers Brewery’s worst beer’.

Related Posts

OPINION: Politicians never lie about sources of income, pizza bar workers could learn from them

24 November, 2020

24 November, 2020

SEBASTIAN BOLD On Friday last week, a politician was furious, absolutely furious that somebody in the state of South Australia...

Plans for Anzac Hwy Le Cornu site revealed: Big fence, even more weeds

23 January, 2020

23 January, 2020 1

As Kaufland mysteriously disappear from Australian shores, top secret plans for the future of Le Cornu’s former Anzac Highway showroom...

Yatala Vale resident tired of explaining it’s nowhere near the prison

14 February, 2020

14 February, 2020

A resident of Yatala Vale, a picturesque semi-rural suburb in Adelaide’s outer north-east, is fed up being asked if she...

EXCLUSIVE: Turns out that worm from The Book Place was actually played by a giant tapeworm

10 July, 2020

10 July, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT Here’s a nostalgia hit for kids who grew up in the 90s, remember the Bookworm? He was that...

New real time fuel app helps motorists find cheapest petrol by simply eliminating OTR servos

14 May, 2021

14 May, 2021

The new RAA real-time fuel app provides South Australian motorists with current information about where to find the cheapest nearby...

“Never doubted ‘em” says Crows fan who chopped up membership after his seats were moved for 2021

20 March, 2021

20 March, 2021

TRENT BARTLETT Former Adelaide Football Club member Jesper Cantankeron maintains that his faith in his footy club never wavered, despite...

Local tweaker very disappointed with “OG Speed Shop”

29 July, 2020

29 July, 2020

Local jaw-clenching and awake enthusiast, Aymon DeGear has voiced his disappointment with a Klemzig service station, claiming they are falsely...

Crows fan fires up the old VCR again to feel better

8 July, 2019

8 July, 2019

After a shocking Showdown loss over the weekend, one-eyed (her good one) Adelaide Crows fan Rose Parque has decided to...

34 year old enters accepting Cruise 1323 absolutely slaps stage of life

16 May, 2022

16 May, 2022

For Hayley Neilsen it doesn’t feel like all that long ago she was eating pills found on the floor at...

Tea Tree Plus prepares for Christmas rush, expecting up to 27 shoppers each day

21 December, 2021

21 December, 2021

Tea Tree Plus, Modbury’s third best shopping centre, is the the lesser known and frequented sister shop of Tea Tree...

Advertiser censors front page advertisement

21 October, 2019

21 October, 2019

Putting up a united front against secrecy and journalistic censorship, South Australia’s leading satirical news service has joined multiple papers...

Chief Medical Officer dismisses conspiracy theory that blames 5G for Caleb Bond

11 May, 2020

11 May, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT The state’s deputy-deputy chief medical officer Dr Morris Gypsum has dismissed a conspiracy theory that points the finger...

Woman hailed as genius for finding secret express route from City to TTP

13 June, 2019

13 June, 2019

TRENT BARTLETT Victorian motorist Ransack Platoon has been labelled as a genius by motoring groups after discovering a shortcut that...

SA girl Cassie Sainsbury reportedly excited for upcoming “White Wedding”

19 November, 2021

19 November, 2021

TOM STEWART With news breaking yesterday that local girl Cassandra Sainsbury is engaged, it is reported she is now looking...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: