6 October, 2022

Port Power to continue playing to empty stadiums amid crowd ban

TOM STEWART

Port Power are reportedly excited for “business as usual” this season, as the AFL is speculated to announce a crowd ban for 2020.

‘Now the other teams will know how we’ve felt all these years’, said former Captain, and alleged wife seducer, Travis Boak.

Not wanting the dreaded Coronavirus virus to spread further during the cold winter months, the AFL has announced that teams in 2020 may play their regular season match ups in empty stadiums, without fans.

This move has been welcomed by Port Adelaide Football Club (established 1997) who were planning to do this anyway.

‘It’s a tough call for the league I guess’, said whiny voiced CEO, and breakfast TV numpty, David Koch, ‘Shouldn’t affect us too much though. Players won’t notice any difference and we’ll just get the tarps out again’.

Community wellbeing advocates have also applauded the decision. With Port Adelaide GP, Dr. Sirius Achoo telling Adelaide Mail, ‘it’s probably the best thing for the club and the wider community. With the amount of methylated spirits and Winfield rollies consumed locally, what few fans the club does have left are probably all in the high risk category for serious pneumonia. You get 500 of them in one location and you’ll have a massacre on par with the 2007 Grand Final, if the virus were to spread locally it would be the COVID-119’.

Club officials have denied there is a risk of this happening (mostly because Memberships for the coming season currently sit at just 478) but are welcoming the new restrictions anyway, as it takes the pressure off their marketing team to try and boost game attendance.

‘It’s been difficult recently’, stated marketing manager Karen DePear ‘I mean, the footy express is now just a Hiace picking up vagrants along Port Road, and the last time I went to take some shots for the march from the mall it was just a shirtless man playing a kazoo wearing a Power, sorry “POWER”, make sure you write that in capitals, beanie. He was admittedly very good, but still, not really sure if it constitutes as a march’.

Still wanting to know what Port Adelaide locals feel about the decision, we approached some for comment, but quickly backed away when they pulled a knife on our journalist.

Editor’s note: Tom Stewart is a guest columnist and Power fan. So before you Port fans start sending us death-threats after reading this arti-… who are we kidding, we all know Port fans can’t read.

in News, Sport
Related Posts

New real time fuel app helps motorists find cheapest petrol by simply eliminating OTR servos

14 May, 2021

14 May, 2021

The new RAA real-time fuel app provides South Australian motorists with current information about where to find the cheapest nearby...

The Advertiser returns to 100% satire following April Fools’ prank

2 April, 2019

2 April, 2019 1

It is a publication that has always gone to great lengths to get a laugh from South Australians. From the...

Tea Tree Plaza now investigating accuracy of Einstein mural quote

30 November, 2021

30 November, 2021

After falsely attributing a quote to Sir David Attenborough in a public mural, Tea Tree Plaza’s mural and roof leak...

Lifetime Golden Grove resident still doesn’t know difference between Grove Way and Golden Way

30 September, 2020

30 September, 2020

Despite living at “World’s Best Address” for over thirty years, Dellfyn Targethill still struggles with basic geographical concepts in his...

New reality TV series to be set in Barossa – “Tanundacover Boss”

5 February, 2021

5 February, 2021

As more commercial television content continues to be produced locally, there is one new series that certainly begs the question...

OG Road shot in drive-by

20 May, 2019

20 May, 2019

Living up to its name, OG road of Klemzig has been attacked in what is believed to be a drug-fueled...

Man considers moving after reading local Tea Tree Gully Facebook group

19 August, 2020

19 August, 2020

Less than 48 hours after joining the local community Facebook group “WHATS GOING ON IN TEA TREE GULLY”, lifetime North-East...

Dads all over Adelaide angry that you fiddled with the air conditioner temperature

19 December, 2019

19 December, 2019

Sure, it’s been hot in Adelaide these past few days. But that doesn’t mean you have to be fiddling around...

14-year-old tries to convince friends that he came up with the nickname ‘STABerfoyle Park’

7 July, 2020

7 July, 2020 1

TRENT BARTLETT While he might be a future writer for Charlie Pickering’s The Weekly, Jack Sauerbier will not be winning...

Interstate comedian tries his hand at some groundbreaking Snowtown jokes

17 January, 2020

17 January, 2020

A Victorian comedian whose only knowledge of South Australia comes through Kane Cornes’s Twitter spats, stories from an uncle who...

Humphrey B Bear says cancel culture has killed opportunities for mute, pantsless bears on TV

22 March, 2021

22 March, 2021

TRENT BARTLETT Australia’s most famous boater hat-wearing anthropomorphic bear has broken his decades-long silence to add to the chorus of...

4 hour parking limit very optimistic about people’s desire to spend their time at Colonnades

27 August, 2020

27 August, 2020

One of Adelaide’s southern suburbs shopping and smoking centres has come under scrutiny around its imposed parking limit times. Colonnades...

Woman updates LinkedIn profile to include climbing Big Rocking Horse certificate

23 January, 2019

23 January, 2019

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Melanie Yearling of Birdwood doing whatever she can to enhance her LinkedIn profile for...

Addicts reduced to drinking Dare as iced coffee shortage hits

16 April, 2019

16 April, 2019

With the state in the midst of a regional Farmers Union Iced Coffee shortage, scores of heavily-addicted South Australians have...

Peter Van’s to close; Advertiser wonders how many more times it can use phrase “Party’s over”

24 January, 2020

24 January, 2020

As news emerged that Adelaide’s resident Party Man, Peter Van will be ceasing all partying come March, subeditors at satirical...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: