14 May, 2021 South Australia's other fake news source

South Australian banned from returning to Adelaide from Victoria Square

DAN SCHMIDT

Alrighty. Strap yourselves in readers, because with a headline like that, this is surely going to be a pretty poor article, even by our standards.

With border controls becoming stricter by the day, one unlucky South Australian has found themselves stranded in Victoria Square (usually we would use “Tarntanyangga“, but we can’t really afford to make this tenuous joke even less funny) and not allowed to return home.

Melissa Bourne (who states she has no relation to 1800’s progressivist American writer and essayist Randolph Bourne, despite our reporters asking her multiple times) walked from her Wakefield Street office to Victoria Square for her lunchtime sandwich and to get away from that annoying office bitch Kath who won’t shut the hell up about her air-fryer and ugly kids.

However, upon attempting to return to her office approximately 27 minutes later, she was stopped by police on the Victorian Square border. Despite desperate pleas and providing all the correct documentation, Melissa was forced to stay in Victoria Square.

“What are you arresting me for? I’ve been in Adelaide all day! Well, I wouldn’t say all day, but I’ve been in Adelaide for at least 30 seconds. Talk to my lawyer. Talk to my lawyer.”

A quote to fill up space and a little easter egg for all you radio comedy nerds.

It was at this point that our reporters started writing this article had absolutely no idea where it was going to go. I mean, usually there’s some sort of general conclusion that almost makes sense, but not here.

Perhaps she then tried to come back into Adelaide illegally? Maybe there was a car chase, or perhaps she attempted to bribe someone to hide in the boot of their car? Wait, that wouldn’t make any sense, because they too would be denied entry back into Adelaide. Hmmm, okay then, how about this? She caught a tram to Melbourne Street. Get it, because Melbourne is in Victoria? That joke almost works, once again you have to ignore the whole border patrol outlined earlier, the tram goes pretty close to Melbourne Street now we think. We wouldn’t know, we only ever really use the Botanic Line to get to The Squatters Arms. We catch the O-Bahn a lot though, it’s fast and also fun, which is what you want in public transport.

Let’s see, where were we, ah yes, Melissa is still stranded in Victoria Square…we’ve got nothing. Apologies, we’ll try harder next week.

Tags: in News, Travel
Related Posts

Rotting Big Orange attracts terrifying Big Fruit Flies

26 February, 2021

26 February, 2021

One of South Australia’s most famous closed tourist attractions has been left to rot for years and is now attracting...

Dover Gardens man with a cold ends up in taxi to Novar Gardens

14 October, 2019

14 October, 2019

After leaving after-work Friday drinks in the city early because they were feeling a little under the weather, Al Lurgey...

Advertiser finance editor absolutely qualified to review Fringe shows

4 March, 2019

4 March, 2019

As tightening budgets continue to put pressure on satirical newspaper The Advertiser’s shrinking newsroom, the annual festival season has once...

Hills Hoist and Cask Wine sales data significantly correlated for some unknown reason

27 August, 2018

27 August, 2018

Statisticians and data analysts have been left completely baffled at the strongly correlated sales data of two South Australian icons....

Turns out Christies Beach sludge spill just rejected Caleb Bond articles

13 November, 2018

13 November, 2018

A break-in at the Christies Beach sewage treatment plant has seen the nearby beach closed for a stretch of 200...

SA called ‘Beggar State’ by Senator literally begging for money on GoFundMe

14 November, 2018

14 November, 2018

NSW Senator David Leyonhjelm has described South Australia as a “beggar state” that should be thrown out of the Australian...

Bowden plant sale customer will definitely keep them alive this time

6 May, 2019

6 May, 2019

Serial houseplant murderer Juniper Cortisol may have a track record in buying and subsequently killing all of her previous houseplants,...

Superloop gives up, starts referring to itself as ‘Clipsal’

21 February, 2019

21 February, 2019

Before the first Superloop 500 event has even started, the company behind the naming rights has reportedly already given up...

Urgent health alert issued for anybody who visited PJ’s on a Thursday in the mid-2000s

4 August, 2020

4 August, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT People who visited an Irish-themed Adelaide city pub on a Thursday night after 9pm in the mid-2000s are...

Barmera economy kept afloat entirely by TV Travel Auctions

22 January, 2019

22 January, 2019

‘Who wants to go on a holiday, holiday, holiday?’ You can hear the eternally-repeating echoes of John Dean’s famous voiceover...

New SA tourism campaign just a 5 day live stream of weeping widow

2 September, 2019

2 September, 2019

South Australia’s tourism commission has unveiled a new marketing concept that is equal parts depressing and long, the two key...

Former Unley High student goes whole day without mentioning that Julia Gillard went to Unley

15 November, 2018

15 November, 2018

Friends and family of former Unley High School student Matthew Drorting are relieved today following 24 hours of Drorting’s self-imposed...

Frequent Marion shopper develops sophisticated algorithm to avoid charity workers

28 May, 2018

28 May, 2018

Rosaline Baker, 56, of Warradale enjoys nothing more than a good shopping spree at nearby Westfield Marion. It’s local, convenient...

Adelaide Mail calendars just 12 pictures of Tea Tree Plaza done in MS Paint

23 October, 2020

23 October, 2020

Because we haven’t figured out how to put an annoying paywall on this site and our website domain renewal is...

‘AFL players will struggle to pay for second story on Queensland holiday homes’ – Brad Crouch

27 March, 2020

27 March, 2020 1

Star Adelaide Crow player Brad Crouch has told Adelaide Mail that some players would ‘struggle to pay for their second...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: