23 October, 2021 South Australia's other fake news source

Solution found to bring back Adelaide 500

DAN SCHMIDT

With South Australia’s heavily-branded apparel wearers lamenting the lack of The Clipsal or Superloop or Adelaide 500 or whatever it is called, it seems that the race could be back on in 2022 with an innovative solution found.

With the race no longer being held on the street circuit and nobody ever wanting to visit Tailem Bend for any reason whatsoever, it has been announced that the new race track will be along the O-Bahn busway.

Also, Adelaide Mail are proud to announce we will be the naming rights sponsor for the 2022 “Adelaide Mail 500” race.

Head of the Adelaide Mail 500, Moe Billeckson, stated ‘This is going to be a great track for the Adelaide Mail 500. In the past we were limited to only severely disrupting traffic in a few suburbs near the city, but now we’re really going to fuck up traffic-flow for at least a quarter of the metropolitan area. A great success’.

‘Sure, the race may not be exactly the same’, continued Billeckson ‘The winner will most probably be whoever starts in pole position because there’s not going to be much overtaking. Plus there will be multiple pit-stops at Klemzig, Paradise and TTP in order to replace each vehicle’s oil sump multiple times throughout the race’.

The press conference was interrupted for several minutes by Billeckson struggling to take off his button-up, black and incredibly hot-looking Holden Racing Team jacket to reveal a button-up, black and incredibly hot-looking Red Bull Holden Racing Team canvas shirt. Seriously, why do these guys always seem to wear the warmest clothing for the hottest, most uncomfortable sporting events on the Adelaide calendar?

‘Anyway, where was I?’ continued a very sweaty Billeckson ‘Ah yes, with long straights like Nurburging, a tunnel like Monaco and with the hairpin turn at the TTP interchange, the holding the Adelaide Mail 500 along the O-Bahn tracks seems completely logical. In addition, all cars will be replaced with Toyota Camry’s and all drivers will either be elderly or confused tourists. Also, is anyone else hot in here?’

The press conference then ended as Billeckson unbuttoned and removed his black and incredibly hot-looking Red Bull Holden Racing Team canvas shirt to reveal a black and incredibly hot-looking shiny Ampol Holden Racing Team singlet.

Note: Readers, you know the deal. DO NOT DRIVE ON THE O-BAHN. But if you do, don’t snitch and say you got the idea from us.

Related Posts

8 Common Phrases Only Adelaide People Will Understand

7 August, 2021

7 August, 2021

These are SUCH Adelaide phrases.

Power fans hate being labelled as feral just because their fans are always doing feral things

2 August, 2018

2 August, 2018

SHOWDOWN SPECIAL: The Showdown returns this weekend, and with it, so does the inevitable ‘passionate behaviour’ of Port Power fans....

South Australian corrects interstate friend on her pronunciation again

19 February, 2019

19 February, 2019

In what is fast becoming a deal-breaker amongst new Victorian friends and colleagues of South Australian Shelly Fischer, the freshly-migrated...

Number One! Number One! SA leads the nation in this one key statistic

16 August, 2019

16 August, 2019

There aren’t too many measures in which South Australia ranks first amongst Australian states. Mainland states that is. We remain...

Yatala Vale resident tired of explaining it’s nowhere near the prison

14 February, 2020

14 February, 2020

A resident of Yatala Vale, a picturesque semi-rural suburb in Adelaide’s outer north-east, is fed up being asked if she...

Office worker finds any excuse to tell you that she did City To Bay

16 September, 2019

16 September, 2019

You don’t typically see Sarah from marketing at the office before 9am at best. And to see her away from...

To avoid confusion Walkleys / Sudholz / Darley / Newton / Penfold / St Bernards Road to get even more names

14 January, 2020

14 January, 2020

MATT FREEMAN Adelaide’s single stretch of road with more names than any other, Walkleys / Sudholz / Darley / Newton...

Port Elliot millennials start petition to change name of Boomer Beach

22 November, 2019

22 November, 2019

Undertaking the ultimate form of slacktivism, Port Elliot’s entire millennial population (a total of sixteen residents) have started an online...

Elizabeth resident lobbies council to change name to Playholden

17 October, 2019

17 October, 2019

As the third anniversary of the closure of the Holden plant at Elizabeth approaches, lifetime local resident Camira Minnet lobbies...

Phone lines jammed as 24 million Australians all ring Victor Harbor to check on Nan

17 March, 2020

17 March, 2020

TOM STEWART In what has become a serious test of the nation’s telecommunications infrastructure, 24 million phone calls were placed...

Rundle Mall buskers now allowed to expand their repertoire beyond Leonard Cohen’s ‘Hallelujah’

17 December, 2018

17 December, 2018

In a controversial move, the Adelaide City Council has agreed to a trial period where buskers can perform songs that...

Election announced: Someone in Mt Barker orders 1,000 novelty cheques

11 April, 2019

11 April, 2019

Following the announcement from acting Prime Minister Scott Morrison that Australians will go to the polls on May 18th, somebody...

Truckie was just holding out for cheaper fuel price

31 October, 2019

31 October, 2019

A truck driver that caused massive delays on the downtrack of the SE Freeway remains convinced that he made the...

Barmera economy kept afloat entirely by TV Travel Auctions

22 January, 2019

22 January, 2019

‘Who wants to go on a holiday, holiday, holiday?’ You can hear the eternally-repeating echoes of John Dean’s famous voiceover...

REVEALED: Pelicans actually prefer to shop at TTP

13 November, 2019

13 November, 2019

As part of Adelaide Mail’s “you should know this” investigative journalism article series, where we expose secrets from around South...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: