20 April, 2021 South Australia's other fake news source

Solution found to bring back Adelaide 500

DAN SCHMIDT

With South Australia’s heavily-branded apparel wearers lamenting the lack of The Clipsal or Superloop or Adelaide 500 or whatever it is called, it seems that the race could be back on in 2022 with an innovative solution found.

With the race no longer being held on the street circuit and nobody ever wanting to visit Tailem Bend for any reason whatsoever, it has been announced that the new race track will be along the O-Bahn busway.

Also, Adelaide Mail are proud to announce we will be the naming rights sponsor for the 2022 “Adelaide Mail 500” race.

Head of the Adelaide Mail 500, Moe Billeckson, stated ‘This is going to be a great track for the Adelaide Mail 500. In the past we were limited to only severely disrupting traffic in a few suburbs near the city, but now we’re really going to fuck up traffic-flow for at least a quarter of the metropolitan area. A great success’.

‘Sure, the race may not be exactly the same’, continued Billeckson ‘The winner will most probably be whoever starts in pole position because there’s not going to be much overtaking. Plus there will be multiple pit-stops at Klemzig, Paradise and TTP in order to replace each vehicle’s oil sump multiple times throughout the race’.

The press conference was interrupted for several minutes by Billeckson struggling to take off his button-up, black and incredibly hot-looking Holden Racing Team jacket to reveal a button-up, black and incredibly hot-looking Red Bull Holden Racing Team canvas shirt. Seriously, why do these guys always seem to wear the warmest clothing for the hottest, most uncomfortable sporting events on the Adelaide calendar?

‘Anyway, where was I?’ continued a very sweaty Billeckson ‘Ah yes, with long straights like Nurburging, a tunnel like Monaco and with the hairpin turn at the TTP interchange, the holding the Adelaide Mail 500 along the O-Bahn tracks seems completely logical. In addition, all cars will be replaced with Toyota Camry’s and all drivers will either be elderly or confused tourists. Also, is anyone else hot in here?’

The press conference then ended as Billeckson unbuttoned and removed his black and incredibly hot-looking Red Bull Holden Racing Team canvas shirt to reveal a black and incredibly hot-looking shiny Ampol Holden Racing Team singlet.

Note: Readers, you know the deal. DO NOT DRIVE ON THE O-BAHN. But if you do, don’t snitch and say you got the idea from us.

Related Posts

Old mate looking for roast buffet ends up at new CBD hospital

30 January, 2020

30 January, 2020

An event that can only be described as “not newsworthy at all” (even for Adelaide Mail standards) occured in the...

12-year-old Goolwa resident VERY happy with his latest artwork

29 September, 2020

29 September, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT It was a fleeting moment of inspiration that struck 12-year-old Pervis Persimmon on his Sunday afternoon walk past...

Girl lasts until 2nd winery pretending to care about tasting wine

27 January, 2019

27 January, 2019

Brooke Dogtram likes to think that wine tours are about more than just getting day-drunk for a nominal fee of...

Sign at Ingle Farm Shopping Centre explains a lot about North Eastern suburbs fashion

6 February, 2020

6 February, 2020

A sign proclaiming Ingle Farm Shopping Centre to be ‘your local place for fashion’ has been found to offer an...

State Government to reduce suburban Adelaide to one bus route

20 January, 2019

20 January, 2019

In a bid to increase efficiency across Adelaide’s struggling suburban bus network, the State Government has moved to remove all...

Para Hills resident claims she’s from the Adelaide Hills

14 February, 2019

14 February, 2019

Seeking to up her social status and property value, Brittney Mounts of Para Hills has decided that her suburb counts...

Empty Port Adelaide shed makes way for empty apartment building

18 April, 2019

18 April, 2019

The State Government has stepped into the ring in a fight over a historic shed in Port Adelaide, overruling a...

No media bias: For every negative Power article, we run at least 0.2 negative Crows articles

9 June, 2020

9 June, 2020

SHOWDOWN WEEK: It’s often stated that there is a media bias in South Australia when it comes to our AFL...

Even at Cudlee Creek “Free Hugs” guy still seems very creepy

16 January, 2020

16 January, 2020

CUDDLY CREEP: At a time where most South Australians are selflessly coming together to support those affected by bushfires, one...

Crows family members plead for exemption to leave South Australia after sons’ 2020 season

25 September, 2020

25 September, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT Following the decision by health authorities to allow Port Power family members into SA on a special exemption...

Unique SA strain of virus now being found in Victoria

15 March, 2020

15 March, 2020

DIRK SPUD In worrying signs that we may be reaching a point of no return when it comes to its...

Nu-Metal band sees potential in Adelaide Real Estate Market

6 June, 2019

6 June, 2019

With the Adelaide Real Estate market still representing great value for investors and first home buyers, a new agency established...

Theology states St Clair is the Patron Saint of Motor Vehicle Theft

3 August, 2020

3 August, 2020

After minutes of research, religious scholars have uncovered that St Clair is the Patron Saint of Motor Vehicle Theft and...

MIRACLE: PM somehow manages to make our Premier seem like a good leader

6 January, 2020

6 January, 2020

In perhaps his finest achievement of his Prime Ministership to-date, Scott Morrison has pulled off a selfless miracle, sacrificing his...

China finds crafty solution to Baby Formula problem

26 November, 2019

26 November, 2019

With the aftermath of 2008’s Chinese milk scandal still looming over parents’ minds across the country, one Chinese company has...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: