29 July, 2021 South Australia's other fake news source

Not to be outdone by Olsen, Mike Rann announced as new chairman for Adelaide Rams

DAN SCHMIDT

There’s an old saying that goes ‘politicians never retire, they just end up becoming chairmen of local sporting clubs’, and that statement could neither be more true or more old than it is today.

As ex SA Premier John Olsen has been announced as the new chairman for the Adelaide Crows, political rival Mike Rann instantly released a presser stating that he had just been announced as new chairman for the Adelaide Rams.

As the Adelaide Mail were the only trusted South Australian media outlet to attend Mr. Rann’s press conference (well, Tom Richardson from InDaily was also there, but he was too busy frantically knitting a poor quality Richmond scarf between sorting Simpsons gifs on his desktop into folders named ‘Port Win’ and ‘Port Lose’). Here’s what Mike Rann had to say:

‘Welcome all. Yeah, it’s definitely real. Thanks for coming.’ before folding up his paper and beginning to walk away.

When Adelaide Mail interns tried to ask a question, Mr Rann stated he wasn’t entirely prepared for this, but was happy to give it a crack.

Queried as to why an admittedly fantastic, but currently definitely defunct, Super League Rugby team required a chairman, Mr Rann stated ‘Well, could this be the beginning of an opportunity to bring the Rams back to Adelaide?’.

‘Is it?’ asked our reporter, who clearly didn’t care because they’re on the same wage as an unnamed service station chain trainee.

‘Well…no’ replied Mike Rann, ‘I just like the team because when you have a cold it sounds like you’re saying “Adelaide Ranns”, or if you put a little bit of white out at the bottom of the ‘m’ it looks like “Ranns”. And that’s my name.’

After a long silence, only broken by Richardson’s clicking needles, the Rams chairman continued ‘See, I always wanted a team named after me. I approached the Panthers when I was Premier and demanded that they change their name to the “Rannthers”, but apparently even as Premier I didn’t have the power to do that. So I figure this is the next best thing’.

It isn’t. However, after some backroom negotiations, Adelaide Mail are proud to announce we are the official media partner of the Adelaide Ranns.

Related Posts

South Australian banned from returning to Adelaide from Victoria Square

31 July, 2020

31 July, 2020

Alrighty. Strap yourselves in readers, because with a headline like that, this is surely going to be a pretty poor...

Advertiser censors front page advertisement

21 October, 2019

21 October, 2019

Putting up a united front against secrecy and journalistic censorship, South Australia’s leading satirical news service has joined multiple papers...

Burnside SUV driver will definitely only be five minutes in the loading zone

20 July, 2018

20 July, 2018

Burnside stay-at-home daughter Jacinta Hyacinth was caught short this morning on her usual coffee meet with the girls at trendy...

MP Jon Gee caught pwning CS:GO noobs in parliament

1 August, 2019

1 August, 2019

Just a few days after being busted playing Solitaire during budget estimates, it seems the brazen member for Taylor, MP Jon...

90% of new Mortal Kombat movie just CCTV footage from Hindley Street

16 May, 2019

16 May, 2019

Adelaide is set to become a key piece of cinematic history, with the long-awaited follow-up to 1995’s Mortal Kombat to...

Culturally significant South Australian historical artifact uncovered

21 January, 2021

21 January, 2021

A piece of South Australian history has been uncovered in the Adelaide suburbs. The historically significant find sheds light on...

Power fan really hopes those photos from 1993 never resurface

16 October, 2020

16 October, 2020

1993, it was a simpler time. No social media, you could still smoke on public transport (well you weren’t meant...

Prison Bar design actually based on smiles of Port Adelaide fans

28 September, 2020

28 September, 2020

As the battle between Port Adelaide and Collingwood around who owns vertical monochrome stripes continues, football historians have discovered that...

FACT: It’s called “Emo Park” because it’s the most depressing place in Adelaide

9 October, 2020

9 October, 2020

The midwest pocket of Hindmarsh Square is certainly an interesting place. There’s a giant dead fish skeleton, a dodgy looking...

Advertiser’s top 100 restaurant list just Barnacle Bill 100 times

16 October, 2019

16 October, 2019

Usually the number one source of fish and chip paper itself, our State’s leading satirical newspaper The Advertiser has surprised...

EXCLUSIVE: Turns out that worm from The Book Place was actually played by a giant tapeworm

10 July, 2020

10 July, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT Here’s a nostalgia hit for kids who grew up in the 90s, remember the Bookworm? He was that...

Man scores entire week stay at Scotty’s Motel with $50 Travel Voucher

6 January, 2021

6 January, 2021

As one of the dozens of South Australians lucky enough to get a Great State Voucher after the Tourism Commission’s...

Steven Marshall reinvents himself with some snazzy new sneakers

9 January, 2019

9 January, 2019

Never one to shrink from the opportunity to imitate one of his federal government counterparts, South Australian Premier Steven Marshall...

Finally gaining a naming sponsor, the ‘Posture Care Chair Company 500’ will hit Adelaide streets March 2019

16 July, 2018

16 July, 2018

After a year of uncertainty, it has been announced that Adelaide’s biggest motorsport festival has given naming rights to the...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: