1 June, 2020 South Australia's other fake news source

Calm down Jessica, it’s Lofty, not Everest

With a backpack full of rations, emergency supplies, and flares, Jessica Peak is fully equipped for her 3.9km Waterfall Gully to Mount lofty Summit expedition.

Decked out with every article of clothing by The North Face, including earrings, Jessica logged her first diary entry:

Have reached the summit, the view of Adelaide is stunning. With rations more than half depleted and I look forward to an easy descent this September afternoon

‘Leaving the gully for the summit, have notified authorities of my planned expedition and estimated return. Said goodbye to family and friends last night, in the hopes I will see them again someday, but deep down we all knew that it could very well be the last time. Visibility is currently clear and weather fine, hopefully my months of training walking up the steps at Adelaide Uni pays off’.

Fifteen minutes after heading east from Waterfall Gully, Jessica set up a makeshift shelter and tucked into her first ration pack and drank the recommended daily water intake. After a brief recuperation rest, reports state that Jessica bravely continued to the summit.

After 9 hours, Jessica finally made it to the mountain-top, where she placed a flag in the ground and then browsed the gift shop knowing full well she was never intending to make a purchase.

Her diary read: ‘Have reached the summit, the view of Adelaide is stunning. With rations more than half depleted and I look forward to an easy descent this September afternoon’.

Search and rescue efforts are continuing.

in Life, News
Related Posts

Adelaide Mail’s top 10 Adelaide 36ers of all time

6 May, 2020

6 May, 2020

Here we are again, another list. We’re just as happy about it as you, okay? Nobody wants to read lists...

Aspiring Magic Cave Father Christmas settles for Parabanks gig again

1 December, 2019

1 December, 2019

For professional shopping centre Father Christmas Claude St Velcro, it’s become a case of take what you can get. Every...

Man on flight to Perth busted trying to take 55L of FUIC in carry on

27 February, 2019

27 February, 2019

Edwardstown man Pieter Goblettsen loves a Farmer’s Union Iced Coffee, so much so that he is said to have once...

Hindley Street to become 100% shisha bars by 2020, study reveals

17 January, 2019

17 January, 2019

New research into economic trends in Adelaide’s west end reveals that the city’s most famous nightstrip is heading towards wall-to-wall...

New Adelaide bar without a neon sign probably doomed

11 September, 2019

11 September, 2019

It’s in a prime location and serves the best cocktails in a welcoming environment, but something is missing at Adelaide’s...

Kent Town resident drives length of North Terrace without being stopped

28 May, 2018

28 May, 2018

Dwayne Hoff of Kent Town could not believe his luck last Wednesday afternoon. As he hopped in his car to meet friends at “The Deli” in Thebarton, little did he know what was in store for him.

‘The Advertiser site really needs more autoplaying videos’, says idiot

7 February, 2019

7 February, 2019

Not content with the dozens of relentless display ads and ‘native’ articles masquerading as journalism, The Advertiser has employed idiot...

Magic Cave now just a ‘Magic 3 x 4 metre room’

19 November, 2018

19 November, 2018

Budget cuts and declining sponsors have hit the Magic Cave hard this year, with Santa and his entire grotto allocated...

New SA tourism campaign just a 5 day live stream of weeping widow

2 September, 2019

2 September, 2019

South Australia’s tourism commission has unveiled a new marketing concept that is equal parts depressing and long, the two key...

Man who suggested synchronising traffic light sequences swiftly fired

30 September, 2019

30 September, 2019

A staff member from South Australia’s Department of Planning, Transport & Infrastructure has been fired from his role as a...

Uh-oh! This article is sponsored by some company, but we forgot who

20 February, 2019

20 February, 2019

After taking a look at The Betoota Advocate’s website and seeing how much advertising money we’re missing out on, we...

‘AFL players will struggle to pay for second story on Queensland holiday homes’ – Brad Crouch

27 March, 2020

27 March, 2020 1

Star Adelaide Crow player Brad Crouch has told Adelaide Mail that some players would ‘struggle to pay for their second...

What the hell is East Terrace’s deal, anyway?

29 July, 2019

29 July, 2019

For all the plaudits paid to South Australia’s most famous drawer of grids Colonel William Light, nobody has ever bothered...

Local pisshead really enjoying this ‘Dry July’ so far

3 July, 2019

3 July, 2019

Regency Park resident and drunkard Al Koholic has had a fantastic, albeit technically wrong, start to the popular ‘Dry July’ campaign. ‘When...

Aspiring Magic Cave Father Christmas will probably settle for Parabanks gig again

26 October, 2018

26 October, 2018

For professional shopping centre Father Christmas Claude St Velcro, it’s become a case of take what you can get. Every...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: