26 January, 2020 South Australia's other fake news source

Woman scurries from David Jones building to avoid that hand cream guy

TRENT BARTLETT

A Torrensville woman has aborted her first attempt at Christmas shopping for the year after being chased out of the city’s David Jones building by a man attempting to cover her hand in moisturiser.

The store’s sales person — whose approach to selling products seems to consist exclusively of clutching on to women’s hands under the guise of “sampling” — is subject to over 14,000 restraining orders from frightened and frustrated shoppers. 

Benito Neagle recalls the fear he felt for his missing wife after she accidentally drifted within the hand cream guy’s “sampling perimeter”.

‘We were walking out of DJ’s and I know to always take the western side near The Body Shop to leave. Brondra though, she has no idea. She fell for the oldest sales move. He held out his hand for a handshake saying “Hey don’t I remember you from somewhere?”’

‘That was back in July and I haven’t seen her since’, continues Neagle. ‘I’ve been worried sick for her, but you know, I don’t really want to go anywhere near that store to try and rescue her. I’ll just end up buying a whole bunch of overpriced hand cream, and I really don’t need that’.

He held out his hand for a handshake saying “Hey don’t I remember you from somewhere?”

‘I figure the best I can do for her now is start a new life, and be happy. I’ve found a new partner and she’s actually moving in this weekend. I bought new bedsheets, you know…out of respect to Brondra. But I’m happy, I’m moving on, I think it’s what she would have wanted’.

When our reporter asked whether he had filed a missing person report, Neagle explained: ‘You know, I very nearly did. But there was a person set up taking donations for World Vision about fifty metres before the cop shop. There really wasn’t any way to get around him’.

‘Those backpackers can be very convincing and I just didn’t want to sign up to something like that. A one-off donation maybe, but I don’t want to be locked into a direct debit thing. So I thought “let’s just leave it”. Brondra’s pretty resourceful, I’m sure she’ll craft an escape just in time for my wedding’.

in News
Related Posts

“Can’t heritage list Jack Daniels merch” Fishermen’s Wharf Market told

21 May, 2019

21 May, 2019

With destruction looming for Port Adelaide’s Fisherman’s Wharf Market shed, vendors and Port locals are looking at various creative options...

Fewer baby girls being named ‘Elizabeth’ in South Australia compared to other states for unknown reason

30 May, 2018

30 May, 2018

Researchers for the University of Adelaide are completely baffled at the newly discovered abnormality of fewer females bearing the name...

People somehow shocked when Liberal govt starts privatising everything

17 May, 2019

17 May, 2019

With the state government looking for novel and opportunistic ways to deliver on pre-election fiscal promises, several key pieces of...

Car controlled by bees still more courteous than most Adelaide drivers

26 September, 2019

26 September, 2019

In a growing trend to worry drivers and parents across Adelaide, South Australian motorists are surrendering their cars to swarms...

90% of new Mortal Kombat movie just CCTV footage from Hindley Street

16 May, 2019

16 May, 2019

Adelaide is set to become a key piece of cinematic history, with the long-awaited follow-up to 1995’s Mortal Kombat to...

Michael Keelan referred to as Keith Conlon for the last time!

23 September, 2018

23 September, 2018

That’s it, he’s absolutely had it. At first it was funny, sometimes even a little bit flattering, but enough is...

Boomer at work despite flu to ensure he can insult vegan fest attendee

28 October, 2019

28 October, 2019

While Adelaide’s vegans may be recovering from a weekend spent at Rundle Park’s Vegan Festival, one local boomer has dashed...

Interstate comedian tries his hand at some groundbreaking Snowtown jokes

17 January, 2020

17 January, 2020

A Victorian comedian whose only knowledge of South Australia comes through Kane Cornes’s Twitter spats, stories from an uncle who...

Man who suggested synchronising traffic light sequences swiftly fired

30 September, 2019

30 September, 2019

A staff member from South Australia’s Department of Planning, Transport & Infrastructure has been fired from his role as a...

Downer shares anti-vaxx post in attempt to gain Adelaide Hills mum voters

15 May, 2019

15 May, 2019

In a bold move to gain the Adelaide Hills young family voters demographic, Georgina has joined an anti-vaccination facebook group...

First stage of Tour Down Under won by lost Uber Eats rider

21 January, 2020

21 January, 2020

Today the Barossa hosted the first men’s stage of the Tour Down Under, a gruelling 150 kilometre slog even for...

Power fans start pretending they always follow SANFL

20 September, 2019

20 September, 2019

With the Port Adelaide Magpies facing off against Glenelg in the SANFL Grand Final this weekend, Port Power fans will...

Salesman optimistic about selling in-ground pool to family holding Bertie Beetle showbags

31 August, 2018

31 August, 2018

When it comes to closing the deal, Christian Levolsi backs himself like few other salesmen, so when he was faced...

Tinder date downgraded to Hawker’s Corner after iffy message

24 June, 2019

24 June, 2019

A looming Tinder date has had its venue downgraded to West Terrace food court Hawker’s Corner following a questionable opinion...

Nobody really sure if the Red Tins thing is sarcastic or not

27 November, 2018

27 November, 2018

From twenty-somethings happily sharing the same beer with their fathers to bar owners happily off-loading their surplus of West End...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: