5 July, 2026 South Australia's Other Fake News Source

Woman scurries from David Jones building to avoid that hand cream guy

A Torrensville woman has aborted her first attempt at Christmas shopping for the year after being chased out of the city’s David Jones building by a man attempting to cover her hand in moisturiser.

The store’s sales person — whose approach to selling products seems to consist exclusively of clutching on to women’s hands under the guise of “sampling” — is subject to over 14,000 restraining orders from frightened and frustrated shoppers. 

Benito Neagle recalls the fear he felt for his missing wife after she accidentally drifted within the hand cream guy’s “sampling perimeter”.

‘We were walking out of DJ’s and I know to always take the western side near The Body Shop to leave. Brondra though, she has no idea. She fell for the oldest sales move. He held out his hand for a handshake saying “Hey don’t I remember you from somewhere?”’

‘That was back in July and I haven’t seen her since’, continues Neagle. ‘I’ve been worried sick for her, but you know, I don’t really want to go anywhere near that store to try and rescue her. I’ll just end up buying a whole bunch of overpriced hand cream, and I really don’t need that’.

He held out his hand for a handshake saying “Hey don’t I remember you from somewhere?”

‘I figure the best I can do for her now is start a new life, and be happy. I’ve found a new partner and she’s actually moving in this weekend. I bought new bedsheets, you know…out of respect to Brondra. But I’m happy, I’m moving on, I think it’s what she would have wanted’.

When our reporter asked whether he had filed a missing person report, Neagle explained: ‘You know, I very nearly did. But there was a person set up taking donations for World Vision about fifty metres before the cop shop. There really wasn’t any way to get around him’.

‘Those backpackers can be very convincing and I just didn’t want to sign up to something like that. A one-off donation maybe, but I don’t want to be locked into a direct debit thing. So I thought “let’s just leave it”. Brondra’s pretty resourceful, I’m sure she’ll craft an escape just in time for my wedding’.

in News
Related Posts

New Adelaide bar without a neon sign probably doomed

11 September, 2019

11 September, 2019

It’s in a prime location and serves the best cocktails in a welcoming environment, but something is missing at Adelaide’s...

Frome Street bikeway to be extremely beneficial for cyclist with very specific, straight 1.8km commute

29 August, 2018

29 August, 2018

After months of work, traffic restrictions, and millions of dollars spent, the new Frome Street bikeway is nearing completion and...

Adelaide man thinks shirt smelling like smoke is the biggest issue as hundreds flee homes

21 November, 2019

21 November, 2019

As residents of Yorke Peninsula have fled their homes overnight, only to hear this morning that their property is lost,...

Fringe show releases new promotional image following KKK backlash

22 January, 2020

22 January, 2020

Adelaide Fringe has responded to an online petition urging them to pull support of a controversial BDSM show after an...

Haggle Co shuts down instead of simply just telling us what happened to the old Haggle guy

22 July, 2025

22 July, 2025

TRENT BARTLETT In a last-ditch attempt to bury what could be Adelaide’s most intriguing furniture commercial-adjacent mystery, furniture store and...

Single guy reckons going to Urrbrae qualifies him for ‘Farmer Wants a Wife’

19 August, 2019

19 August, 2019

Local bachelor, avid vaper, and Urrbrae dropout Nick Telecom has been looking for love for some time now, he told...

Local man optimistic 45th Bertie Beetle of the week will somehow taste better than the previous 44

16 September, 2025

16 September, 2025

In a bold display of misplaced hope and digestive resilience, local man Cole O’Pteran has declared that his 45th Bertie...

Australia-US tensions ease as LAPD also shoot Kane Cornes with rubber bullet

11 June, 2025

11 June, 2025

TRENT BARTLETT In a symbolic gesture of reconciliation, the Los Angeles Police Department has reportedly fired a rubber bullet at...

Private school alumni excited for not watching cricket season

20 October, 2020

20 October, 2020

As football season has wrapped up for the state of South Australia, the attention of Adelaide’s private school alumni turns...

“I’m not into drama” says woman subscribed to 27 Tea Tree Gully Facebook Groups

25 February, 2022

25 February, 2022

Anne Steze-Hill proudly proclaims she is not one for drama, however her dependence on local neighbourhood facebook group discussion may...

Something a little off about this 40 year old bloke still listening to Fresh FM

19 December, 2018

19 December, 2018

Kristy just introduced this Darren guy to the group, and he seems nice and all, but we’re just not too...

The Queen just found out Elizabeth is named after her and she is fucking pissed

31 May, 2021

31 May, 2021

TRENT BARTLETT As if her year couldn’t get any worse, Queen Elizabeth II has just learned that the northern Adelaide...

MIRACLE: PM somehow manages to make our Premier seem like a good leader

6 January, 2020

6 January, 2020

In perhaps his finest achievement of his Prime Ministership to-date, Scott Morrison has pulled off a selfless miracle, sacrificing his...

Burnside SUV driver will definitely only be five minutes in the loading zone

20 July, 2018

20 July, 2018

Burnside stay-at-home daughter Jacinta Hyacinth was caught short this morning on her usual coffee meet with the girls at trendy...

“R U OK? Day” followed up with far less popular “R U OBAHN? Day”

11 September, 2020

11 September, 2020

In the wake of the extremely important R U OK? Day, a group of South Australian public transport enthusiasts has...

Comments

Leave a Reply

Discover more from Adelaide Mail

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading