14 May, 2021 South Australia's other fake news source

Chief Medical Officer dismisses conspiracy theory that blames 5G for Caleb Bond

TRENT BARTLETT

The state’s deputy-deputy chief medical officer Dr Morris Gypsum has dismissed a conspiracy theory that points the finger at the construction of a new ‘5G’ mobile network as responsible for the emergence of conservative youth sensation Caleb Bond.

Dr Gypsum says that although appearing virus-like, Bond grew up like any other Australian Young Liberal.

The columnist, whose political opinions are said to age in reverse, like a Sky News talking head Benjamin Button, reportedly spent the first 12 years of his life in a Mitcham Young Liberals conference.

‘He subsisted solely on Andrew Bolt articles. His only entertainment was recoiling from people in the Centrelink queue,’ Dr Gypsum said to a sorry-looking press conference that due to shrinking newsrooms consisted of only Mike Smithson and Tom Richardson.

Smithson just repeatedly asked whether Dr Gypsum planned on ‘selling off’ SA Health while Richardson seemed to think that he was at Matthew Nicks’ press conference. Richardson’s biggest contribution to the press conference was loudly laughing at a Simpsons gif while saying ‘got him’, presumably about Ken Hinkley.

‘Now, I have spoken to the extended Downer family who home-schooled Bond at the Young Liberals conference throughout his formative years. They confirmed with me that in spite of the clearly-fake beard he sports, that Bond is indeed a human and did not emerge following Telstra’s construction of a 5G mobile tower in Somerton Park, as has been reported by some on the internet.’

However, Dr Gypsum’s reassurance did nothing to sway conspiracy theorists who, to be fair, do usually have a bit of conviction about them.

Telstra reported damage to two 5G towers, one of which had been graffitied with the phrase “5G causes Caleb Bond so we’re not vaccinating our children any more, also Bill Gates wants to implant everyone with that paperclip from Microsoft Word”.

Also “5G” was somehow spelt wrong.

We reached out to the conspiracy theorists with some editing notes to tidy up their graffiti but we didn’t hear back.

in Life, News
Related Posts

ShitAdelaide changes name to MAFSadelaide

8 April, 2019

8 April, 2019

Originally a source of general ridicule at the expense of Adelaide’s drunk and poor, the mysterious owners behind Instagram account...

Now here’s something we don’t mind Victoria stealing from SA

6 November, 2019

6 November, 2019

News has broken on several less reputable news-sites that failed Mayo candidate and novelty cheque aficionado Georgina Downer will be...

South Australia officially changing State slogan to “So what High School did you go to?”

17 September, 2018

17 September, 2018

Since discontinuing “The Festival State”, the South Australian Slogan Association (SASA) has decided on a new official state slogan after...

First stage of Tour Down Under won by lost Uber Eats rider

21 January, 2020

21 January, 2020

Today the Barossa hosted the first men’s stage of the Tour Down Under, a gruelling 150 kilometre slog even for...

Misguided Get This tribute lands nerds in middle of Veale Gardens beat

4 July, 2019

4 July, 2019

An ill-advised tribute tour of every landmark referenced in cult Triple M radio show Get This has ended in the...

Cyberbullying teens never okay…unless it’s Caleb Bond and it’s really funny

18 March, 2019

18 March, 2019

Cyberbullying is a cowardly act, which can be particularly harmful when aimed at teens. However, in the wake of anti-bullying...

Old Le Cornu site to become new Swedish Furniture store ‘De Körneu’

22 May, 2019

22 May, 2019

The Adelaide City Council has made the announcement of what will finally be done with the ever controversial old Le...

Ardrossan jetty regulars can spot these city slickers a mile away

13 January, 2020

13 January, 2020

When Goodwood couple Kate and Darren Bovril decided they fancied a nice, peaceful day catching some crabs, they were convinced...

Burnside teen reports child abuse after dad refuses to buy her BMW X3

28 August, 2019

28 August, 2019

A 16-year-old Burnside girl has resorted to reporting her father to the Department for Child Protection after he refused to...

Adelaide 36ers to change name to “Adelaide BCers” to honour traditional landowners

8 September, 2020

8 September, 2020

MATT FREEMAN With the Washington Redskins finally realizing the bloody obvious, that their nickname is actually racially offensive, the Adelaide...

Goodwood Road cemetery to add severed head sculpture to existing public artwork

5 July, 2020

5 July, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT A Goodwood Road cemetery is looking to increase the number of sculptures depicting severed appendages in a renewed...

Hills Hoist and Cask Wine sales data significantly correlated for some unknown reason

27 August, 2018

27 August, 2018

Statisticians and data analysts have been left completely baffled at the strongly correlated sales data of two South Australian icons....

Fun Fact: TTP actually stands for ‘That Terrible Place’

21 August, 2020

21 August, 2020

“WhY iS tHe rEtAiL sEcToR fAiLiNg?”: It is a little known fact that the north-eastern shopping centre was initially named...

Confused F1 fan arrives in Albert Park, SA ahead of Grand Prix

14 March, 2019

14 March, 2019

Lanyard Boystongue didn’t know what to expect upon arriving in Adelaide ahead of the 2019 Australian Formula One Grand Prix....

PETITION: Rename Elizabeth Shopping Centre “Centrals Market”

20 February, 2020

20 February, 2020

A group of vocal Central District Football Club supporters have launched a rather clever (especially for Centrals fans) campaign to...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: