3 December, 2023

OTR owners on-track to own literally everything ever created

South Australia’s omnipotent overlords the Peregrine Corporation have doubled down on their bid to stage a hostile takeover of all things ever created.

The move comes following last week’s bid to buy all remaining competitor service stations at between $0.03 and $0.06 per share. SA’s remaining service stations’ share prices have been pushed down since the company successfully opened OTR sites within three metres of every competing service station in South Australia.

Peregrine’s chief financial officer Lardon Arancini told Adelaide Mail ‘once our offer for the last few service stations was accepted, we thought we had to raise our sights a little’.

Some of the big ticket items in Peregrine’s sights include: the new World Trade Centre in New York, that tower thing at the end of the Brighton jetty and the exhumed corpse of deceased Formula 1 driver Ayrton Senna

‘We discussed a few options, one of them was opening a little cafe down in Middleton with a kind of gift shop-type thing attached, which I still think would be a prudent investment. The other option that kept getting brought up was buying literally everything ever created, which some people scoffed at, but we have the capital, obviously’.

The move will see literally everything ever created fall under direct ownership of our all-powerful, benevolent gods. Some of the big ticket items in Peregrine’s sights include: the new World Trade Centre in New York, that tower thing at the end of the Brighton jetty and the exhumed corpse of deceased Formula 1 driver Ayrton Senna. Quite a coup for a business from little old Adelaide whose roots lie in a Port Road cigarette store.

It’s not just tangible items that are set to fall into Peregrine’s claws too, the eastern suburbs-based business is looking to secure ownership of all intangible things as well, including the colour orange and abstract concepts like that wistful yearning feeling that comes with seeing your ex happy with a new partner.

What great news for our majestic emperors.

Related Posts

Adelaide Council announces ‘Brother Sculpture’ to Malls Balls: The “Grote Scrote”

9 November, 2020

9 November, 2020

DAVID KNIGHT With the successful unveiling of the new pigeon statue in Rundle Mall last week, Adelaide City Council has...

“Sure, I feel bad for this whole COVID thing, but they DID steal our Grand Prix” – Premier says

27 May, 2021

27 May, 2021

Premier Steven Marshall has stopped short of apologising to his Victorian counterparts over a medi-hotel leak that has led to...

SA Govt to start shifting truckloads of ‘Whinging Semaphore residents’

9 September, 2019

9 September, 2019

Following weeks of protests, debates and back-and-forth, the state government has finally arrived at a solution that will see their...

Calls to rename iconic sculpture as “Mall’s Balls” deemed “sexist and gendered”

26 May, 2021

26 May, 2021

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS GONE MAD?: Since 1977 Adelaide’s pair of big balls have been proudly on display for all to see....

Save big with your SAFM 107 Card at these places today!

27 March, 2019

27 March, 2019

Here at Adelaide Mail, we’ve got some pretty powerful friends in high places, which means our proverbial fingers are on...

Mum comments “shared 5162” like her 27 Facebook friends cover all of Morphett Vale

2 October, 2020

2 October, 2020

A Morphett Vale Facebook mum has been hailed as a hero after letting people know she has shared a Facebook...

Rip It Up relaunches with Pokies reviews and noise complaint liftout

13 June, 2019

13 June, 2019

Heritage Adelaide street press Rip It Up magazine is set for a relaunch with a new focus on reflecting the...

Bloke asking ‘Which Freeway do you mean?’ definitely not from here

5 November, 2019

5 November, 2019

A motorist who stopped at a Glen Osmond Road service station for directions to the closest mechanical likeness of a mythical...

Casual Crows fan unsure if he’s supposed to love or hate Tex this week

3 June, 2019

3 June, 2019

With his form flip-flopping since the 2017 AFL Grand Final, Adelaide co-captain Taylor Walker has been the cause of much...

Calm down Jessica, it’s Lofty, not Everest

21 December, 2018

21 December, 2018

With a backpack full of rations, emergency supplies, and flares, Jessica Peak is fully equipped for her 3.9km Waterfall Gully to Mount...

Behold! The Garden of Unearthly Awkward Stop and Chats

19 February, 2020

19 February, 2020

MATTHEW DEVITT Despite the highest of expectations, one Gepps Cross man’s foray into the Garden of Unearthly Delights has degenerated...

Daniel Andrews to become new face of Victoria Bitter

19 June, 2020

19 June, 2020

A HARD EARNED THIRST FOR WHAT SA HAS: “Why would you want to go there?” remarked Victorian Premier Andrews earlier...

Has COVID finally gone too far? Now The Planet nightclub is being demolished

27 October, 2020

27 October, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT The COVID-19 pandemic has taken more than its fair share of scalps in South Australia. The West End...

Confused InCels gather in Kingston to get a glimpse of what they assume is a statue of their hero

13 January, 2022

13 January, 2022

TRENT BARTLETT Throngs of twenty-something men adorned with bearded necks and armed with copies of the house-cleaning manual 12 Rules...

Comments

Leave a Reply