24 September, 2020 South Australia's other fake news source

Boomer at work despite flu to ensure he can insult vegan fest attendee

While Adelaide’s vegans may be recovering from a weekend spent at Rundle Park’s Vegan Festival, one local boomer has dashed the expectations of all colleagues by appearing at work three days deep into a nasty flu.

The incorrectly self-proclaimed ‘carnivore’ has never missed an opportunity to chuck a ‘sickie’, however the looming opportunity to deride his plant-based peers was too lucrative to lie in bed for.

Humans are carnivores and always have been

‘I feel sicker than a dog’, says Brian Primecut, ‘probably just about as sick as a vegan’s dog feels when his owner serves dinner up for him each night’.

‘But I knew this morning when I woke up that a few of the people I work with probably went to that bloody vegan festival on the weekend. I was actually there at Rundle Park too…about three hundred metres upwind with some bloody delicious pork crackling on the Weber Q’.

When asked to pinpoint the reasons for his disdain for his vegan colleagues Primecut called on his misunderstanding of evolutionary biology.

‘All I can say is I hope they had a dentist on site to remove all of the teeth which only carnivores need. Humans are carnivores and always have been’, said Primecut, who was so impressed with his latest musing that he immediately used it as a comment on an Advertiser article about the event.

‘They’re all bloody idiots. Humans didn’t get to where they are by eating leaves. We got to this point by eating steaks, and schnitzels’.

Related Posts

New Farmer’s Union Iced Coffee merchandise instantly sells out of 5XL sizing

27 June, 2019

27 June, 2019

With Farmer’s Union Iced Coffee desperately trying to target the insta-millennial market with their new line of merchandise, the new...

Modbury High graduate furious at suggestion she went to Modbury Heights

15 April, 2019

15 April, 2019

It’s been over 15 years since Kelly S. Farm graduated high school to pursue a sticky-tape tester apprenticeship, but there...

REVEALED: Pelicans actually prefer to shop at TTP

13 November, 2019

13 November, 2019

As part of Adelaide Mail’s “you should know this” investigative journalism article series, where we expose secrets from around South...

Ingenious Toolie crudely changes 13 to 18 on his Year 12 jumper

25 November, 2018

25 November, 2018

In a surprisingly genius move, particularly from a Modbury High graduate, 23 year old Sam ‘Zombie’ Zommers has pulled off...

10 things you never knew about the Myer Centre

26 April, 2020

26 April, 2020

MATTHEW DEVITT All of this madness at the moment has made us realise what’s really important to us: mostly-empty, multi-level...

Burnside resident asks if travel bubble could be constructed exclusively around Eastern Suburbs

12 May, 2020

12 May, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT As the state begins to lift some of its coronavirus restrictions, attention has turned to travel and when...

Former Unley High student goes whole day without mentioning that Julia Gillard went to Unley

15 November, 2018

15 November, 2018

Friends and family of former Unley High School student Matthew Drorting are relieved today following 24 hours of Drorting’s self-imposed...

No media bias: For every negative Power article, we run at least 0.2 negative Crows articles

9 June, 2020

9 June, 2020

SHOWDOWN WEEK: It’s often stated that there is a media bias in South Australia when it comes to our AFL...

90% of new Mortal Kombat movie just CCTV footage from Hindley Street

16 May, 2019

16 May, 2019

Adelaide is set to become a key piece of cinematic history, with the long-awaited follow-up to 1995’s Mortal Kombat to...

‘What’s Sydney got that Adelaide doesn’t?’ says man who can’t find job

15 July, 2019

15 July, 2019

Unemployed volleyball salesman and indiscriminately parochial South Australian Conrad Junkles is often leaping to the defence of his home state....

Hinkley, Pyke given 3-year contract extensions to teach them a lesson

23 July, 2019

23 July, 2019

In light of two equally inconsistent seasons, both South Australian AFL clubs have found themselves scratching their heads at what...

Chief Medical Officer dismisses conspiracy theory that blames 5G for Caleb Bond

11 May, 2020

11 May, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT The state’s deputy-deputy chief medical officer Dr Morris Gypsum has dismissed a conspiracy theory that points the finger...

Seeing a gap in the market, all OTRs start serving pancakes 24/7

17 June, 2019

17 June, 2019

With the Pancake Kitchen no longer operating 24 hours a day during the week, the OTR overlords have announced the...

Power fan with ‘Est. 1870’ tattoo tells Crows fan to ‘stop living in past’

5 April, 2019

5 April, 2019

Albert Tonne is one of those ‘passionate’ Port Power fans, he attends most Power home games (unless it’s a little cloudy or...

Man plays quick 9 at Holey Moley before last year’s gift card expires

24 December, 2019

24 December, 2019

A Somerton Park man has knocked off work early in a frantic rush to get to novelty mini golf course...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: