27 July, 2021 South Australia's other fake news source

Boomer at work despite flu to ensure he can insult vegan fest attendee

While Adelaide’s vegans may be recovering from a weekend spent at Rundle Park’s Vegan Festival, one local boomer has dashed the expectations of all colleagues by appearing at work three days deep into a nasty flu.

The incorrectly self-proclaimed ‘carnivore’ has never missed an opportunity to chuck a ‘sickie’, however the looming opportunity to deride his plant-based peers was too lucrative to lie in bed for.

Humans are carnivores and always have been

‘I feel sicker than a dog’, says Brian Primecut, ‘probably just about as sick as a vegan’s dog feels when his owner serves dinner up for him each night’.

‘But I knew this morning when I woke up that a few of the people I work with probably went to that bloody vegan festival on the weekend. I was actually there at Rundle Park too…about three hundred metres upwind with some bloody delicious pork crackling on the Weber Q’.

When asked to pinpoint the reasons for his disdain for his vegan colleagues Primecut called on his misunderstanding of evolutionary biology.

‘All I can say is I hope they had a dentist on site to remove all of the teeth which only carnivores need. Humans are carnivores and always have been’, said Primecut, who was so impressed with his latest musing that he immediately used it as a comment on an Advertiser article about the event.

‘They’re all bloody idiots. Humans didn’t get to where they are by eating leaves. We got to this point by eating steaks, and schnitzels’.

Related Posts

City dads mourn the closure of their sole fashion source

17 February, 2020

17 February, 2020

Dads from around Adelaide have gathered to pay silent tribute to their sole source of clothing and style advice following...

TAFE SA qualifications now offered on Foodland dockets with purchase over $40

3 December, 2018

3 December, 2018

The aftermath of controversy, audits, resignations, misconduct and corruption has led to TAFE SA taking drastic measures to ensure qualifications...

Calm down mate, it’s Monarto, not Zimbabwe

10 January, 2019

10 January, 2019

Equipped with the most expensive DSLR and biggest telescopic lens Ted’s Cameras had in stock, Gavin Numpty of Murray Bridge...

Interstate comedian tries his hand at some groundbreaking Snowtown jokes

17 January, 2020

17 January, 2020

A Victorian comedian whose only knowledge of South Australia comes through Kane Cornes’s Twitter spats, stories from an uncle who...

Stephan Knoll offers to wash dad’s car and do more chores to pay off $30,000 debt

22 July, 2020

22 July, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT South Australia’s Transport Minister Stephan Knoll landed himself in a bit of mischief this week by accidentally and...

Uh-oh! This article is sponsored by some company, but we forgot who

20 February, 2019

20 February, 2019

After taking a look at The Betoota Advocate’s website and seeing how much advertising money we’re missing out on, we...

Aspiring Magic Cave Father Christmas settles for Parabanks gig again

1 December, 2019

1 December, 2019

For professional shopping centre Father Christmas Claude St Velcro, it’s become a case of take what you can get. Every...

Pray for Kane: Cornes forced to scrap next six months of story ideas

4 September, 2019

4 September, 2019

Kane Cornes’s media career has been thrown into disarray after Adelaide Crows co-captain Taylor Walker announced that he will be...

We rank Adelaide’s top (and only) 3 working digital Adelaide Metro signs

18 November, 2019

18 November, 2019

What was meant to be Adelaide Mail’s first barely readable, every item on a different page, advertisement clogged ‘Top 10 List’, has...

Vista local resigned to the fact it’s just easier to say they’re from Tea Tree Gully

29 October, 2018

29 October, 2018

‘Vista? Do you mean Para Vista?’ is the age old question that Britney Nicholls has heard time and time again...

Desperate $5 Fringe show now accepting AfterPay

13 March, 2019

13 March, 2019

Photo credit: Abi Skipp Following several weeks of lower-than-expected ticket sales, the Garden of Unearthly Delights’ cheapest ticketed show — The...

Chunky Custard to be inducted into SA’s Rock n Roll Hall of Lame

11 October, 2018

11 October, 2018

Since the early 90’s, cover band Chunky Custard have been donning the zany wigs, crazy costumes and slightly outdated references....

South Australian unreasonably smug watching Queenslanders lose their minds over plastic bag ban

5 July, 2018

5 July, 2018

Sometimes you just have to rub your hands together and look on with glee at the failures of those other,...

10 things you never knew about the Myer Centre

26 April, 2020

26 April, 2020

MATTHEW DEVITT All of this madness at the moment has made us realise what’s really important to us: mostly-empty, multi-level...

If they have to tear the Big Scotsman down, at least let us finally see his dick

14 April, 2021

14 April, 2021

For generations passing motorists and those unfortunate enough to stay at Scotty’s Motel have tried to catch a glimpse at...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: