30 November, 2021 South Australia's other fake news source

Victorians look to Adelaide for tips on how to shut down entire city by 8pm every night

TRENT BARTLETT

As Melbourne continues to get themselves home no later than 8pm, Victorians have been looking across the border to their South Australian friends for tips on how an entire, functioning city can shut down by the early evening each night.

Having not seen more than two dozen people out on the streets since the entire city celebrated the grand opening of South Australia’s first Warner Bros store at Westfield Marion in 1997, Adelaideans have more than a few tips for the Vics.

So, as a gift to our eastern compadres, we have surveyed over a handful of South Australians to compile a list of our top 5 tips for Victorians trying to figure out how to stay at home after 8pm.

1. Don’t have anything worth leaving the house for after dark.

Want to keep people at home when it’s dark? It’s simple, dingus, you just have to get rid of anything worth visiting at night. Simply encourage noise complaints on established venues and cave to the demands of an ageing population who seek to stifle any nightlife. Why leave home when you can have just as little fun in your lounge room!

2. Make it impossible to get anywhere via public transport after sundown

Photo Source: Wongm’s Rail Gallery

Right now if you’re in Adelaide, you’re probably thinking: ‘Hey I’d sure love to get myself a Hungry George burger right now.’ Well think again buster, because it’s 10:40pm and the city’s one bus has already driven past while blaring Queen’s I Want To Break Free, probably. If you’re serious about keeping Melburnians at home, you’ll rip up all your tram tracks, shut down your bus routes by early evening and make trains too frightening to travel on when dark.

3. Install the ghost of Bob Francis on every street to scare people back into their homes

If the lack of any major drawcards after sundown is not a big enough reason to keep residents in their homes, fear might just be your next best option. Scare people into isolation with your town’s very own Bob Francis ghost. Each Bob Francis ghost comes with its own motorised wheelchair and shouts dickbrain at all innocent passers-by. Residents will have no choice but to retire to their homes when they come into contact with Big Bad Bob’s ghost.

4. Keep people at home by telling anyone who breaks curfew that they will have to star in the reboot of McLeod’s Daughters

You know how that old saying goes: ‘Everyone loves McLeod’s Daughters until you’re forced to be an extra in the back of the Gungellan pub.’ For years now, Adelaideans have been kept within the confines of their homes overnight by the threat of having to appear in the oft-threatened ninth season of the TV show. Nobody wants that, and that’s why everyone stays safely at home, and why we still don’t have any more seasons of the Drover’s Run drama.

5. Pay Gary Sweet to chase curfew evaders with a rolled up wet towel, flicking them every 20-30 metres

The sight of a shirtless Gary Sweet brandishing a rolled up wet bath towel on the footpath outside our houses is so ingrained in the minds of South Australians that we barely even notice him any more. But apparently, those interstate don’t even have a shirtless Gary Sweet threatening people back into their homes. We heard that a local council once tried to get Colin Friels to do the same thing in Camberwell, but it just wasn’t the same. For us South Aussies, nothing signifies nightfall more than a shirtless Gary Sweet threatening us with a rolled up wet towel. Victorians would be wise to stop being so thrifty and pay for their very own Gary Sweet.

Tags: in Life, News
Related Posts

“Melbourne is so much better” says girl who couldn’t afford to live there

16 July, 2019

16 July, 2019

Having recently moved back to Adelaide after a brief stint in Australia’s most consistently overcast city, polaroid photography student Edith...

The real puzzle is how nobody died

6 August, 2019

6 August, 2019

What was once South Australia’s answer to Disneyland, the theme-park and scrap-metal haven of Puzzle Park now sadly remains abandoned...

Adelaide poaches Open Mouth Kissing Strangers You’ve Just Met Festival from Victoria

7 September, 2020

7 September, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT In news that has been sitting on our desk for years, but we never got around to writing...

New “Farmers Onion” Iced Coffee flavour only popular with one man

29 October, 2019

29 October, 2019

In a bold new move by South Australia’s highest selling beverage company, the new Farmer’s Union, “Farmer’s Onion” Iced Coffee...

Next election, let’s just all vote for Cosi and see what happens

24 May, 2019

24 May, 2019

With the Federal Election over and not a great deal changing, aside from increased health-care costs for the poor, many...

Guy who hasn’t been to the Casino in 15 years can’t wait to play that horse racing game again

20 January, 2020

20 January, 2020

It’s been nearly fifteen years since Whyalla man Mitch Brokeslad has ventured on down to Adelaide, but an invitation to...

Ridgehaven Hungry Jack’s bushes heritage listed

22 February, 2021

22 February, 2021

Finally joining the likes of South Australian icons such as Popeye and Wayne Weidemann’s Mullet, the row of street facing...

Humphrey B Bear says cancel culture has killed opportunities for mute, pantsless bears on TV

22 March, 2021

22 March, 2021

TRENT BARTLETT Australia’s most famous boater hat-wearing anthropomorphic bear has broken his decades-long silence to add to the chorus of...

Local livestreamed gigs to be replaced with livestreamed pokie rooms

8 April, 2020

8 April, 2020

With the coronavirus shutting down the city’s remaining live music venues, bands have begun turning to the internet to live...

Not to be outdone by Olsen, Mike Rann announced as new chairman for Adelaide Rams

13 October, 2020

13 October, 2020

There’s an old saying that goes ‘politicians never retire, they just end up becoming chairmen of local sporting clubs’, and...

Port Adelaide celebrates 25th anniversary of really taking off in the next few years

16 September, 2020

16 September, 2020

This week officially marked the 25th anniversary of Port Adelaide locals, clueless investors and desperate medium-density housing developers all maintaining...

Election announced: Someone in Mt Barker orders 1,000 novelty cheques

11 April, 2019

11 April, 2019

Following the announcement from acting Prime Minister Scott Morrison that Australians will go to the polls on May 18th, somebody...

‘You can’t pay off COVID fines using free drink cards’, Zhivago owners told

20 July, 2020

20 July, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT After copping thousands of dollars in fines for breaking COVID-19 restrictions, the owners of Zhivago have been told...

“Should have seen it coming” – Mr Bankrupt on his business’s bankruptcy

2 November, 2018

2 November, 2018

The saying goes that hindsight is twenty-twenty, and that rings true for nobody more than former Adelaide business tycoon Mr...

Outrage as advertising projected on to Adelaide’s most famous cultural landmark

9 October, 2018

9 October, 2018

The iconic brick façade of Adelaide’s West End Brewery will be used to advertise a party supplies shop after SA premier Stephen...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: