3 February, 2023

Victorians look to Adelaide for tips on how to shut down entire city by 8pm every night

TRENT BARTLETT

As Melbourne continues to get themselves home no later than 8pm, Victorians have been looking across the border to their South Australian friends for tips on how an entire, functioning city can shut down by the early evening each night.

Having not seen more than two dozen people out on the streets since the entire city celebrated the grand opening of South Australia’s first Warner Bros store at Westfield Marion in 1997, Adelaideans have more than a few tips for the Vics.

So, as a gift to our eastern compadres, we have surveyed over a handful of South Australians to compile a list of our top 5 tips for Victorians trying to figure out how to stay at home after 8pm.

1. Don’t have anything worth leaving the house for after dark.

Want to keep people at home when it’s dark? It’s simple, dingus, you just have to get rid of anything worth visiting at night. Simply encourage noise complaints on established venues and cave to the demands of an ageing population who seek to stifle any nightlife. Why leave home when you can have just as little fun in your lounge room!

2. Make it impossible to get anywhere via public transport after sundown

Photo Source: Wongm’s Rail Gallery

Right now if you’re in Adelaide, you’re probably thinking: ‘Hey I’d sure love to get myself a Hungry George burger right now.’ Well think again buster, because it’s 10:40pm and the city’s one bus has already driven past while blaring Queen’s I Want To Break Free, probably. If you’re serious about keeping Melburnians at home, you’ll rip up all your tram tracks, shut down your bus routes by early evening and make trains too frightening to travel on when dark.

3. Install the ghost of Bob Francis on every street to scare people back into their homes

If the lack of any major drawcards after sundown is not a big enough reason to keep residents in their homes, fear might just be your next best option. Scare people into isolation with your town’s very own Bob Francis ghost. Each Bob Francis ghost comes with its own motorised wheelchair and shouts dickbrain at all innocent passers-by. Residents will have no choice but to retire to their homes when they come into contact with Big Bad Bob’s ghost.

4. Keep people at home by telling anyone who breaks curfew that they will have to star in the reboot of McLeod’s Daughters

You know how that old saying goes: ‘Everyone loves McLeod’s Daughters until you’re forced to be an extra in the back of the Gungellan pub.’ For years now, Adelaideans have been kept within the confines of their homes overnight by the threat of having to appear in the oft-threatened ninth season of the TV show. Nobody wants that, and that’s why everyone stays safely at home, and why we still don’t have any more seasons of the Drover’s Run drama.

5. Pay Gary Sweet to chase curfew evaders with a rolled up wet towel, flicking them every 20-30 metres

The sight of a shirtless Gary Sweet brandishing a rolled up wet bath towel on the footpath outside our houses is so ingrained in the minds of South Australians that we barely even notice him any more. But apparently, those interstate don’t even have a shirtless Gary Sweet threatening people back into their homes. We heard that a local council once tried to get Colin Friels to do the same thing in Camberwell, but it just wasn’t the same. For us South Aussies, nothing signifies nightfall more than a shirtless Gary Sweet threatening us with a rolled up wet towel. Victorians would be wise to stop being so thrifty and pay for their very own Gary Sweet.

Tags: in Life, News
Related Posts

Following Ross Lyon announcement, Robert Shaw faxes Crows “just to see how they’re going”

24 October, 2022

24 October, 2022

MATT FREEMAN In light of St Kilda’s appointment of Ross Lyon as coach for the second time, former Adelaide Crows...

Keith Conlon announced as new drummer for I Killed The Prom Queen

27 November, 2018

27 November, 2018

In a bold new move by Adelaide’s metalcore kings I Killed The Prom Queen, the announcement of veteran radio broadcaster...

Has COVID finally gone too far? Now The Planet nightclub is being demolished

27 October, 2020

27 October, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT The COVID-19 pandemic has taken more than its fair share of scalps in South Australia. The West End...

Tea Tree Gully Christmas Decorations Spread Christmas Cheer and Chilling Nightmares

7 December, 2022

7 December, 2022

As decorations have begun to adorn the streets of Adelaide, one display is certainly causing much more discussion (and possibly...

We rank Adelaide’s most livable suburbs

10 June, 2021

10 June, 2021 1

With the announcement of Adelaide being ranked the world’s 3rd most livable city, the time has come to take a...

“Our one mistake was not charging more for a thickshake” – 50SixOne

1 March, 2020

1 March, 2020

With the business in the hands of liquidators and its three remaining stores now closed, the owners of 50sixone have...

Norwood cafe Argo to begin taking bookings for those who just want to line up

24 October, 2018

24 October, 2018

In a move described by industry experts as ‘revolutionary’, the popular eastern suburbs brunch spot Argo is to begin taking...

Remember when K-Mart was still called Keith-Martyn’s? And only sold Keith Martyn Almanacs?

4 May, 2020

4 May, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT We’re sure that older readers of Adelaide Mail remember this. In fact, if you do you are probably...

New tourism campaign vows to get “Visitors Back To SA, Tours Back At Wineries, and Cars Back On O-Bahn”

29 August, 2022

29 August, 2022 1

As tourists begin to return to South Australia, the SA Tourism Travel Trekking Transport Traffic & Traversing Taskforce (SATTTTTTT) has...

Murray Bridge Crows fan refuses to listen to Power FM

9 June, 2021

9 June, 2021

Lifelong Murray Bridge resident and Adelaide Football Club supporter, Jerry Atrick, takes his passion for football more seriously than most,...

Melbourne man visits Adelaide just to complain about shop trading hours

12 January, 2019

12 January, 2019

Gouland Hambitter and his family moved to Melbourne from Adelaide when he was eight-years-old. His father had taken up a...

New RAH carpark awarded Adelaide’s most challenging escape room

18 January, 2019

18 January, 2019

Escape rooms have rapidly become all the rage with teenagers, lame corporate offices, and small groups of weird tight-knit friends...

Suburb of Manningham will be renamed Beingham to remove gender bias

3 February, 2021

3 February, 2021

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS GONE MAD?: The small inner-north Adelaide suburb of Manningham will undergo a name change after much council debate...

South Aussies to ask ‘Keeping Cool?’ a record 47 billion times today

20 November, 2019

20 November, 2019

With Adelaide bracing for its hottest day since March, Adelaideans are readying themselves for an onslaught of inquisitiveness about the...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: