28 March, 2020 South Australia's other fake news source

International musician moves back to Adelaide to start boutique counterfeit winery

Dan Schmidt

Rumours have it that US singer-songwriter and previous Adelaide resident Ben Folds is heading back to South Australia for a new business venture, to coincide with his upcoming tour with the ASO.

Speaking exclusively with Adelaide Mail, Folds dropped a few hints as to what his new hustle is all about. ‘I like to keep abreast of what’s going on in South Aussie news’ said Folds ‘and I came across an article about how much Penfolds sells for in China’.

Raising his eyebrows and tapping his nose, Folds whispered ‘I know Penfolds are trying to crack down on copycats, but I’m pretty sure I can’t be sued for using my own name’. We checked, in this circumstance you definitely can.

Quickly forgetting that he called an interview to simply allude to the fact he may be starting a South Australian business, Folds excitedly got straight into the finer details of his highly illegal, albeit quite clever, trade.

Every night I take a few big buckets, some secateurs, walk down to the Penfolds vineyard, fill the buckets with their unripened grapes, then walk back home

‘I rented a one-bedroom place at Magill. Technically it’s student accommodation, so I had to disguise myself as an international mature-age Social Work undergraduate. This wasn’t too hard, I just kept asking long irrelevant questions and telling personal stories that the real-estate agent clearly didn’t want to hear about. Eventually, they just gave up and handed me the lease so they could leave’.

Folds continued ‘now every night I take a few big buckets, some secateurs, walk down to the Penfolds vineyard, fill the buckets with their unripened grapes, then walk back home. When I get back to my studio apartment, I stomp the grapes, add in a few litres of Nippy’s Apple & Blackcurrant, a dash of whatever spirits I have laying around, then pour it into the bottle with my own custom Benfolds labels. There you have it, that’ll sell for at least $48 on the Chinese black-market, do this a few times a week combined with my Austudy payments and I’m laughing’.

Ben Folds has big plans for his new swindle, including an aggressive marketing campaign to boost sales. Unprompted, Ben sat down at his battery-operatedasio keyboard and started playing us a jingle, singing in a wonderful, but overly commercial, tone ‘you’ve heard of the Ben Folds Five, so come drink the Benfolds Wine, it tastes mighty divine, it’s definitely not a crime, I thought about the army, dad said son you’re fucking high…’ This continued and just became an eight-minute medley of his various hits, which was fortunately cut short by several of his neighbours banging on the paper-thin walls.

Benfolds Wine is now available in parts of Shandong Province, the Tower Hotel bottle-o, and some of the lesser law-abiding restaurants around the Adelaide Central Markets.

Related Posts

Report: Albert Bensimon actually enjoyed a little bit of hoo-ha

19 December, 2018

19 December, 2018

MATTHEW DEVITT Despite his self-anointed reputation as a serious, no-nonsense jewellery magnate, the Adelaide Mail can finally reveal that Albert...

Truckie was just holding out for cheaper fuel price

31 October, 2019

31 October, 2019

A truck driver that caused massive delays on the downtrack of the SE Freeway remains convinced that he made the...

“Can’t heritage list Jack Daniels merch” Fishermen’s Wharf Market told

21 May, 2019

21 May, 2019

With destruction looming for Port Adelaide’s Fisherman’s Wharf Market shed, vendors and Port locals are looking at various creative options...

Yatala Vale resident tired of explaining it’s nowhere near the prison

14 February, 2020

14 February, 2020

A resident of Yatala Vale, a picturesque semi-rural suburb in Adelaide’s outer north-east, is fed up being asked if she...

Royal Park Salvage mascot should really get that middle leg looked at

11 February, 2020

11 February, 2020

Look, we’re not going to pretend we know what Royal Park Salvage does, or even go to the effort of...

Superloop gives up, starts referring to itself as ‘Clipsal’

21 February, 2019

21 February, 2019

Before the first Superloop 500 event has even started, the company behind the naming rights has reportedly already given up...

Guns N’ Roses actually pretty disappointed with Paradise city

24 July, 2019

24 July, 2019

During last year’s world tour, 80’s rock band Guns N’ Roses finally managed to make it to their ultimate destination,...

Funding cuts to State mental health services great news for ShitAdelaide admins

3 June, 2019

3 June, 2019

With the State Government (not surprisingly) cutting funding for key mental health services across the state, hospital workers, inpatient units...

PM Scott Morrison takes credit for stopping the Buffalo

14 October, 2018

14 October, 2018

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has taken credit for stopping the land-bound, abandoned restaurant the HMS Buffalo while on a whistle-stop...

Desperate $5 Fringe show now accepting AfterPay

13 March, 2019

13 March, 2019

Photo credit: Abi Skipp Following several weeks of lower-than-expected ticket sales, the Garden of Unearthly Delights’ cheapest ticketed show — The...

PAC old scholar furious at suggestion he went to Saints

10 September, 2018

10 September, 2018

An enraged former student of Adelaide’s prestigious Prince Alfred College has slammed suggestions that he attended the equally-esteemed St Peter’s...

OTR already putting up signage on North East Road Holden dealership

26 February, 2020

26 February, 2020

With the news of Holden exiting the Australian market breaking, our petroleum and tobacco overlords have decided that they may...

Port Power to continue playing to empty stadiums amid crowd ban

11 March, 2020

11 March, 2020

TOM STEWART Port Power are reportedly excited for “business as usual” this season, as the AFL is speculated to announce...

Kevin Costner spotted in Ridgehaven filming Waterworld sequel

12 August, 2019

12 August, 2019

With Adelaide seemingly becoming a relatively budget-friendly locale for upcoming Hollywood flops, it has become apparent that Mortal Kombat isn’t...

City resident can’t go twenty minutes without telling someone they live in the CBD

15 October, 2018

15 October, 2018

Even after months after moving into her new South Terrace apartment, Ebony Higgs of Adelaide, continues to remind everyone of...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: