26 September, 2022

Aspiring Magic Cave Father Christmas settles for Parabanks gig again

For professional shopping centre Father Christmas Claude St Velcro, it’s become a case of take what you can get.

Every year, since St Velcro reached a weight fat enough to convincingly pass as the festive figure, he has applied to work in the Magic Cave in Adelaide department store David Jones. Every year his application has been knocked back, he was hoping that this year will be different.

The odds are slim, unlike Claude, who’s fat. Very, very fat

‘It’s just a big boys’ club’, says St Velcro about the Magic Cave’s allegedly unfair hiring practices. ‘I have done everything in my power. I was told once “you’re not fat enough to be Santa”, so I gained 170 kilos. My doctor tells me that I probably won’t make it through to next Christmas, so it was really all-or-nothing this time around’.

In fact, experts have said that Claude’s chances of making it through to the new year are low.

‘The odds are slim’, says Dr Anushka Akselrose, ‘unlike Claude, who’s fat. Very, very fat’.


‘I even arranged for eight live reindeer to pull me into the interview room on a sleigh. Well…I’d have liked to, but I couldn’t get eight reindeer at such short notice. So I hired three alpacas, a clydesdale, two camels and a couple of sausage dogs. I’m going to have to point the finger of blame at the camels this year’.

‘Apparently, they never got my mum’s advice to never start off a job interview by spitting at your future employer. I thought she was crazy for telling me that every time I got off the phone from her. Apparently not’.

in Life, News
Related Posts

Melbourne man visits Adelaide just to complain about shop trading hours

12 January, 2019

12 January, 2019

Gouland Hambitter and his family moved to Melbourne from Adelaide when he was eight-years-old. His father had taken up a...

Elizabeth resident lobbies council to change name to Playholden

17 October, 2019

17 October, 2019

As the third anniversary of the closure of the Holden plant at Elizabeth approaches, lifetime local resident Camira Minnet lobbies...

Unley Mum-of-three wine drunk for forty-seventh consecutive night under guise of “supporting local”

9 June, 2020

9 June, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT Unley mother and professional car park line-ignorer* Gelded Coolslap is looking at seven straight weeks without a sober...

You WON’T BELIEVE what Kane Cornes said on SEN 1629AM! Mainly because of all the static

11 December, 2020

11 December, 2020

He’s done it again, folks. South Australia’s king of controversy and 2020’s Best and Fairest Servo Sandwich Hawker has made...

Ridgehaven Hungry Jack’s bushes heritage listed

22 February, 2021

22 February, 2021

Finally joining the likes of South Australian icons such as Popeye and Wayne Weidemann’s Mullet, the row of street facing...

New tourism campaign vows to get “Visitors Back To SA, Tours Back At Wineries, and Cars Back On O-Bahn”

29 August, 2022

29 August, 2022 1

As tourists begin to return to South Australia, the SA Tourism Travel Trekking Transport Traffic & Traversing Taskforce (SATTTTTTT) has...

90% of new Mortal Kombat movie just CCTV footage from Hindley Street

16 May, 2019

16 May, 2019

Adelaide is set to become a key piece of cinematic history, with the long-awaited follow-up to 1995’s Mortal Kombat to...

Road workers bored with South Road, add some sick jumps to Blackwood roundabout instead

17 July, 2020

17 July, 2020

F**K IT FRIDAY: For generations road “workers” have been “working” on South Road in a quest to make some sort...

Adelaide Mail’s Greatest SA Jingle Ever!

25 April, 2020

25 April, 2020 1

We need to settle this once-and-for-all: what is South Australia’s greatest ever jingle? We’re torn in all directions, between car...

Richmond Road mural fined for deceptive and confusing advertising of state

23 February, 2020

23 February, 2020

A Mile End South mural emblazoned with the boastful phrase “South Australia leads the world” has been punished for displaying...

Wayville Physio still recovering from closure of Mad Mouse

31 August, 2018

31 August, 2018

It’s been over a decade since the closure of Adelaide’s iconic roller-coaster the ‘Mad Mouse’, but the financial impacts can still...

Torrens NYE “just as good as Darling Harbour” says cash-strapped dad

30 December, 2018

30 December, 2018

Following intensive rallying by his two sons calling for a new year’s eve trip to Sydney, Walton Erudite has made...

Seeing a gap in the market, all OTRs start serving pancakes 24/7

17 June, 2019

17 June, 2019

With the Pancake Kitchen no longer operating 24 hours a day during the week, the OTR overlords have announced the...

With fewer flights, proposal made to bring back West Lakes McDonalds Party Plane

30 April, 2021

30 April, 2021

With this whole COVID thing still going nuts in countries that can’t get their shit together, fewer international flights are...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: