28 October, 2020 South Australia's other fake news source

Thousands of Port fans call in ‘sick’, empty office chairs everywhere tarped

Thousands of Port Power fans from around the state have chucked a sickie today, knowing full well they are incapable of handling any slight office banter regarding the Showdown loss.

The situation has been so bad that many office executive decisions have been made earlier this morning to cover thousands upon thousands of chairs across the State in tarp, because according to history (something you can never shut a Port fan up about), that’s apparently a logical solution to this problem.

After the Showdown result, we knew it would be emptier than 2012 Power home game around here

The Adelaide Mail contacted a particularly hard-hit CBD office this morning for comment on the situation. Craig Ampersand, the office chief-vice-executive-assistant-manager stated ‘after the Showdown result, we knew it would be emptier than 2012 Power home game around here. They can simply not handle any banter without flying off the rails, especially after being so cocky early in the season, and sure enough, all our Power fans have called in sick. First I got a call from Al Burton, then Karen DePear, then Beau Gann, the list goes on. All in all, only 81 of our 200 staff are here today, I’d hate to do the math on how many are supposedly sick’.

With a half empty office to contend with, but also wanting to keep the ones who showed up productive, Craig pulled out the usual Port Power office chair tarps to make the place seem full again.

‘There!’ said Craig as he finished the final section of chairs ‘That certainly makes the place look full again, much more lively too and certainly morale boosting. But we still don’t expect to get much work done today, we’ve got a lot of people out you know, a half-strength office if you will. That’s definitely something I’ve been hearing all week, so it must be a valid excuse’.

When asked if he would be emailing a warning to the employees who have faked a sickie, Craig scoffed ‘Ha! Please, they can’t read’.

in News, Sport
Related Posts

Tensions escalate as Hamas mistakenly bombs Gaza Footy Club

29 January, 2020

29 January, 2020

A north-eastern Adelaide football club has been mistakenly drawn into a long-running Middle Eastern conflict solely because their name is...

Royal Adelaide Show Cancelled: Who will judge Nan’s knitted Golliwogs now?

14 April, 2020

14 April, 2020

DAN SCHMIDT News has broken that the Royal Adelaide Show has been cancelled for the fifth time in history. Previously...

We rank Adelaide’s top (and only) 3 working digital Adelaide Metro signs

18 November, 2019

18 November, 2019

What was meant to be Adelaide Mail’s first barely readable, every item on a different page, advertisement clogged ‘Top 10 List’, has...

Business who still hasn’t added 8 to phone number probably shonky

18 October, 2019

18 October, 2019

A television and VCR repair shop on Goodwood Road in Adelaide’s inner south is staring the wind of change in...

Guns N’ Roses actually pretty disappointed with Paradise city

24 July, 2019

24 July, 2019

During last year’s world tour, 80’s rock band Guns N’ Roses finally managed to make it to their ultimate destination,...

Man who “supports both teams” rightfully beaten

23 July, 2018

23 July, 2018

A cowardly 48 year old Wellend man is in Queen Elizabeth Hospital after an altercation with his colleagues. Reports state...

ShitAdelaide blocked us now we have to go outside to laugh at the poor

28 June, 2019

28 June, 2019

Having come to rely on a local Instagram account as our conduit to the outside world, our schedule had come...

Surely selecting VICTORIA Park as a testing location was a deliberate low-key diss

5 August, 2020

5 August, 2020

Our state’s newest COVID-19 drive through testing station opened in Adelaide’s Victoria Park this morning, resulting in car queues of...

OTR pay their staff fairly and we’re writing this of our own free will

11 December, 2019

11 December, 2019

In recent days, you may have seen news about how a group of lawyers are considering launching a class action...

South Australians tipped to consume $3bn worth of Zooper Doopers today

24 January, 2019

24 January, 2019

While many today will be doing their best to not think about just how high the mercury is expected to...

Penfolds to release limited edition cask Grange

20 December, 2019

20 December, 2019

In an effort to appeal to a wider and less affluent market, Penfolds have taken a new and innovative direction for their...

“SA wind farms to blame for Murray-Darling crisis, probably” – Morrison

14 January, 2019

14 January, 2019

Stand-in Prime Minister Scott Morrison has lobbed the political football squarely toward South Australia’s wind farms for the growing Murray-Darling...

Munno Para driverless bus somehow involved in road rage incident

17 July, 2019

17 July, 2019 1

A minibus that operates without anybody behind the steering wheel has somehow become embroiled in a road rage incident in...

Man leverages home equity to pay for son’s frog cake addiction

2 February, 2019

2 February, 2019

Being a single parent is never easy financially, especially when you have a ten-year-old son eating upwards of three Balfours...

Satirical news site runs out of TV commercials to rank, now completely out of ideas

29 May, 2020

29 May, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT South Australia’s second favourite source of fake news has been revealed for the sham that it is, with...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: