11 July, 2020 South Australia's other fake news source

Thousands of Port fans call in ‘sick’, empty office chairs everywhere tarped

Thousands of Port Power fans from around the state have chucked a sickie today, knowing full well they are incapable of handling any slight office banter regarding the Showdown loss.

The situation has been so bad that many office executive decisions have been made earlier this morning to cover thousands upon thousands of chairs across the State in tarp, because according to history (something you can never shut a Port fan up about), that’s apparently a logical solution to this problem.

After the Showdown result, we knew it would be emptier than 2012 Power home game around here

The Adelaide Mail contacted a particularly hard-hit CBD office this morning for comment on the situation. Craig Ampersand, the office chief-vice-executive-assistant-manager stated ‘after the Showdown result, we knew it would be emptier than 2012 Power home game around here. They can simply not handle any banter without flying off the rails, especially after being so cocky early in the season, and sure enough, all our Power fans have called in sick. First I got a call from Al Burton, then Karen DePear, then Beau Gann, the list goes on. All in all, only 81 of our 200 staff are here today, I’d hate to do the math on how many are supposedly sick’.

With a half empty office to contend with, but also wanting to keep the ones who showed up productive, Craig pulled out the usual Port Power office chair tarps to make the place seem full again.

‘There!’ said Craig as he finished the final section of chairs ‘That certainly makes the place look full again, much more lively too and certainly morale boosting. But we still don’t expect to get much work done today, we’ve got a lot of people out you know, a half-strength office if you will. That’s definitely something I’ve been hearing all week, so it must be a valid excuse’.

When asked if he would be emailing a warning to the employees who have faked a sickie, Craig scoffed ‘Ha! Please, they can’t read’.

in News, Sport
Related Posts

Election announced: Someone in Mt Barker orders 1,000 novelty cheques

11 April, 2019

11 April, 2019

Following the announcement from acting Prime Minister Scott Morrison that Australians will go to the polls on May 18th, somebody...

SA tells WA ‘Only we have the skills to maintain problem-riddled subs’

13 August, 2019

13 August, 2019

With Western Australia circling Adelaide’s lucrative Collins Class Submarine maintenance contract, SA’s western counterparts have been told to ‘Back off,...

Man plays quick 9 at Holey Moley before last year’s gift card expires

24 December, 2019

24 December, 2019

A Somerton Park man has knocked off work early in a frantic rush to get to novelty mini golf course...

Wayville Physio still recovering from closure of Mad Mouse

31 August, 2018

31 August, 2018

It’s been over a decade since the closure of Adelaide’s iconic roller-coaster the ‘Mad Mouse’, but the financial impacts can still...

In hindsight, 16-page full-colour catalogues delivered to every SA house every 3 days probably wasn’t great for business

16 December, 2019

16 December, 2019

With the news breaking that iconic South Australian department store Harris Scarfe has been placed into voluntary administration, operators are...

EXPOSED: Ancestry DNA shows Adelaide not even related to “Sister Cities”

12 February, 2020

12 February, 2020

MATT FREEMAN The Adelaide City Council has attempted to stop all those naysayers that say “Sister Cities” is some meaningless...

Former Unley High student goes whole day without mentioning that Julia Gillard went to Unley

15 November, 2018

15 November, 2018

Friends and family of former Unley High School student Matthew Drorting are relieved today following 24 hours of Drorting’s self-imposed...

OG Road shot in drive-by

20 May, 2019

20 May, 2019

Living up to its name, OG road of Klemzig has been attacked in what is believed to be a drug-fueled...

ShitAdelaide changes name to MAFSadelaide

8 April, 2019

8 April, 2019

Originally a source of general ridicule at the expense of Adelaide’s drunk and poor, the mysterious owners behind Instagram account...

Ingenious Toolie crudely changes 13 to 18 on his Year 12 jumper

25 November, 2018

25 November, 2018

In a surprisingly genius move, particularly from a Modbury High graduate, 23 year old Sam ‘Zombie’ Zommers has pulled off...

Aspiring Magic Cave Father Christmas settles for Parabanks gig again

1 December, 2019

1 December, 2019

For professional shopping centre Father Christmas Claude St Velcro, it’s become a case of take what you can get. Every...

‘You can’t pay off debts using free drink cards’, Zhivago owners told

31 July, 2019

31 July, 2019

DISCLAIMER: In light of a predictable legal threat from the owner of Zhivago’s, we feel the completely unnecessary need to...

Tensions escalate as Hamas mistakenly bombs Gaza Footy Club

29 January, 2020

29 January, 2020

A north-eastern Adelaide football club has been mistakenly drawn into a long-running Middle Eastern conflict solely because their name is...

Crows fan fires up the old VCR again to feel better

8 July, 2019

8 July, 2019

After a shocking Showdown loss over the weekend, one-eyed (her good one) Adelaide Crows fan Rose Parque has decided to...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: