27 November, 2020 South Australia's other fake news source

Looming end of winter great news for cable tie manufacturers

The looming end of Adelaide’s winter signifies two things for most South Australians: re-emerging from your house at night after a four-month, self-imposed curfew and a marked increase in terrified running through parklands as magpies bomb themselves at you.

This is basically our Christmas

With Adelaide’s magpie population already organising themselves to begin randomly attacking innocent pedestrians and cyclists, there is one sector of the South Australian economy that is rubbing their hands together in anticipation for swooping season.

SA’s $600 million dollar cable tie industry is believed to rely on the advent of Adelaide’s spring to almost entirely prop up revenue.

‘This is basically our Christmas’, says Diocese Canyon, head of finance and fastening at the Cable-Tie Research Allied Partnership (CRAP).

‘You know we go all year with people basically forgetting about us until they need to stick up a tarp or an election poster. Even then we’re an after-thought, everyone just stands around saying “did anyone remember to get cable ties?” Well, now you HAVE to buy cable ties! Or else, enjoy getting swooped!’

When our Adelaide Mail reporters mentioned, in passing, that there seems to be ‘More magpies around than there used to be’, Canyon responded defensively.

‘Well the research partnership isn’t spending hundreds of millions on selectively breeding the most aggressive magpies and re-homing them in Adelaide’s most heavily-trafficked bike paths if that’s what you’re suggesting’.

It wasn’t.

‘And we’re certainly not attempting to train other bird species to begin violently swooping cyclists either. I mean, do you even know how difficult it is to train a duck to sit in trees waiting for cyclists to swoop? Turns out it’s very difficult indeed’.

‘And if you’re saying that we have already spent a quarter of a billion dollars on research into a swooping magpie bird-robot prototype that swoops all year round, I would say you’re crazy for even suggesting it’.

The Cable-Tie Research Allied Partnership’s swooping magpie bird-robot will be unveiled at the 2020 International Avian Robot Conference.

Related Posts

Dads all over Adelaide angry that you fiddled with the air conditioner temperature

19 December, 2019

19 December, 2019

Sure, it’s been hot in Adelaide these past few days. But that doesn’t mean you have to be fiddling around...

Business who still hasn’t added 8 to phone number probably shonky

18 October, 2019

18 October, 2019

A television and VCR repair shop on Goodwood Road in Adelaide’s inner south is staring the wind of change in...

Nu-Metal band sees potential in Adelaide Real Estate Market

6 June, 2019

6 June, 2019

With the Adelaide Real Estate market still representing great value for investors and first home buyers, a new agency established...

Adelaide Uni Law student splits RM Williams boots across 3 transactions after forgetting dad’s credit card PIN

9 August, 2018

9 August, 2018

A first-year University of Adelaide law student has been dealt the embarrassing blow of dipping into his own savings to...

Burnside teen reports child abuse after dad refuses to buy her BMW X3

28 August, 2019

28 August, 2019

A 16-year-old Burnside girl has resorted to reporting her father to the Department for Child Protection after he refused to...

Bloke asking ‘Which Freeway do you mean?’ definitely not from here

5 November, 2019

5 November, 2019

A motorist who stopped at a Glen Osmond Road service station for directions to the closest mechanical likeness of a mythical...

Fun Fact: TTP actually stands for ‘That Terrible Place’

21 August, 2020

21 August, 2020

“WhY iS tHe rEtAiL sEcToR fAiLiNg?”: It is a little known fact that the north-eastern shopping centre was initially named...

Victor Harbor opens new Youth Centre for local adolescents aged 55-70

9 July, 2018

9 July, 2018

In an attempt at engaging the region’s younger demographic, Victor Harbor has launched a hip new hangout for residents born...

Man leverages home equity to pay for son’s frog cake addiction

2 February, 2019

2 February, 2019

Being a single parent is never easy financially, especially when you have a ten-year-old son eating upwards of three Balfours...

Theology states St Clair is the Patron Saint of Motor Vehicle Theft

3 August, 2020

3 August, 2020

After minutes of research, religious scholars have uncovered that St Clair is the Patron Saint of Motor Vehicle Theft and...

Bloke’s tailbone still recovering after tobogganing over the jumps at Mt Thebarton

4 December, 2018

4 December, 2018

When a 14-year-old Alex Dangerfield visited Mt Thebarton in 1995 to experience tobogganing for the first time, he did not...

Suburb of Devon Park to be renamed Fritz Park

7 January, 2019

7 January, 2019

In an act of South Australian patriotism, a successful campaign by residents has led to the inner north suburb of...

Modbury High graduate furious at suggestion she went to Modbury Heights

15 April, 2019

15 April, 2019

It’s been over 15 years since Kelly S. Farm graduated high school to pursue a sticky-tape tester apprenticeship, but there...

Gawler line passenger set for great day after altercation-free commute

17 October, 2018

17 October, 2018

Startling footage has emerged from a security camera on-board an Adelaide-bound Gawler train this morning showing an entirely incident-free trip....

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: