9 July, 2020 South Australia's other fake news source

COMPROMISE FOUND: SA Govt to install new tram that ONLY turns right

After months of deliberation, studies and costings, Transport Minister Stephan Knoll announced on Sunday that the right-hand turn for trams on to North Terrace has been scrapped.

However, due to a $37 million dollar election promise pledging to ‘make trams turn right on North Terrace’, the government has a new plan to deliver on their pre-election pledge…kinda.

In what can only be described as a bold press conference Minister Knoll addressed the media from atop the Freemasons Hall, wearing nothing but a bath robe and shouting into a megaphone

In a unique move, the government will close a 250 metre stretch of the cultural boulevard to all traffic and pedestrians. In their place, a circular piece of track for trams to turn right at all hours of the day.

In what can only be described as a bold press conference Minister Knoll addressed the media from atop the Freemasons Hall, wearing nothing but a bath robe and shouting into a megaphone: ‘you want a right-turn on North Terrace? Here, here are your plans. Have a right turn on North Terrace!’.

The plans — distributed by Knoll emptying a rubbish bag full of hastily-rendered schematics on torn out leafs of a reflex notebook — revealed that the new route will operate 24 hours a day, feature no stops, drive clockwise along the circular track and run at an operating speed of 120 kmh.

Minister Knoll revealed that the plan is likely to cost upwards of $220 million, mostly due to the costs of engineering a tram that could run at such high speeds without derailing.

‘You can’t say we didn’t deliver on our promise. The tram turns right! The tram turns right!’, continued Knoll before paragliding from the building.

Related Posts

Burnside teen reports child abuse after dad refuses to buy her BMW X3

28 August, 2019

28 August, 2019

A 16-year-old Burnside girl has resorted to reporting her father to the Department for Child Protection after he refused to...

SA Govt stops tourists entering state from late March under “Operation Business As Usual”

24 March, 2020

24 March, 2020

From 4pm today South Australia will close its borders to all non-essential visitors in response to the spread of COVID-19....

Stirling stoner claims local chemist name is misleading

3 February, 2020

3 February, 2020

An Adelaide Hills stay-at-home adult daughter and Oreos connoisseur Chakra Vortwenti is claiming that the name of her local pharmacy...

Barossa local, who definitely has bigger things to worry about now, is angry you’re saying NuriOOPTA

30 March, 2020

30 March, 2020

Of all the things that a Barossa Valley resident could be getting angry at right now, Larry Hyphen-Colon has chosen...

Man actually chooses to sit in this seat

26 April, 2019

26 April, 2019

With the vast majority of city commuters taking this week off, Kramdin Numpteedu of Klemzig has had his fair share...

Victorian music journo asking for directions to “The Barton” theatre

29 January, 2019

29 January, 2019

Visiting Victorian music journalist Gulag Torquehand has lost her patience with seemingly unhelpful South Australians after asking dozens of Adelaideans...

Latest Georgina Downer anti-ALP advertisement seems legit

25 February, 2019

25 February, 2019

Despite the controversial first video starring a “concerned citizen” who just happened to be the previous State Director of the...

Kane Cornes called us a thief just because we broke into his house and stole stuff

13 February, 2020

13 February, 2020

Now, we’re not ones to typically use this platform to air grievances about petty disputes with our fellow K-grade Adelaide...

TAFE SA qualifications now offered on Foodland dockets with purchase over $40

3 December, 2018

3 December, 2018

The aftermath of controversy, audits, resignations, misconduct and corruption has led to TAFE SA taking drastic measures to ensure qualifications...

“Emo Park” rebrands as “Ska Park” in attempt to brighten reputation

3 October, 2019

3 October, 2019

The north-western pocket of Hindmarsh square has always been a strange place. Along with being home to what was awarded...

Modbury High graduate furious at suggestion she went to Modbury Heights

15 April, 2019

15 April, 2019

It’s been over 15 years since Kelly S. Farm graduated high school to pursue a sticky-tape tester apprenticeship, but there...

300-year-old gum tree to be shipped in for Burnside Village redevelopment

10 March, 2020

10 March, 2020

With demolition works underway for the latest expansion to Burnside Village, the shopping centre’s owners have revealed their latest idea...

Uh-oh! This article is sponsored by some company, but we forgot who

20 February, 2019

20 February, 2019

After taking a look at The Betoota Advocate’s website and seeing how much advertising money we’re missing out on, we...

To avoid confusion Walkleys / Sudholz / Darley / Newton / Penfold / St Bernards Road to get even more names

14 January, 2020

14 January, 2020

MATT FREEMAN Adelaide’s single stretch of road with more names than any other, Walkleys / Sudholz / Darley / Newton...

Turns out Christies Beach sludge spill just rejected Caleb Bond articles

13 November, 2018

13 November, 2018

A break-in at the Christies Beach sewage treatment plant has seen the nearby beach closed for a stretch of 200...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: