26 January, 2020 South Australia's other fake news source

COMPROMISE FOUND: SA Govt to install new tram that ONLY turns right

TRENT BARTLETT

After months of deliberation, studies and costings, Transport Minister Stephan Knoll announced on Sunday that the right-hand turn for trams on to North Terrace has been scrapped.

However, due to a $37 million dollar election promise pledging to ‘make trams turn right on North Terrace’, the government has a new plan to deliver on their pre-election pledge…kinda.

In what can only be described as a bold press conference Minister Knoll addressed the media from atop the Freemasons Hall, wearing nothing but a bath robe and shouting into a megaphone

In a unique move, the government will close a 250 metre stretch of the cultural boulevard to all traffic and pedestrians. In their place, a circular piece of track for trams to turn right at all hours of the day.

In what can only be described as a bold press conference Minister Knoll addressed the media from atop the Freemasons Hall, wearing nothing but a bath robe and shouting into a megaphone: ‘you want a right-turn on North Terrace? Here, here are your plans. Have a right turn on North Terrace!’.

The plans — distributed by Knoll emptying a rubbish bag full of hastily-rendered schematics on torn out leafs of a reflex notebook — revealed that the new route will operate 24 hours a day, feature no stops, drive clockwise along the circular track and run at an operating speed of 120 kmh.

Minister Knoll revealed that the plan is likely to cost upwards of $220 million, mostly due to the costs of engineering a tram that could run at such high speeds without derailing.

‘You can’t say we didn’t deliver on our promise. The tram turns right! The tram turns right!’, continued Knoll before paragliding from the building.

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