Adelaide’s Christmas Pageant has been updated to take a more efficient, faster route which will take it out of the CBD for the first time in its 92 year history.
The change from the traditional meandering city route to a more fast-paced version of the event came about after journalists at Adelaide Mail continuously badgered Pageant organisers to make the change because “They were running out of ideas and want an excuse to reset the O-Bahn counter because it’s the only way this damn website gets any traffic any more”.
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“We had initially dismissed the idea as the type of garbage that Adelaide media outlets usually spew out when they have a slow news day,” says Christmas Pageant Head of Painting That Blue Line Along The Route, Donley Scrog.
“Usually the journos just write a list of footballers and which private schools they went to. Or a list of how much money football WAGs are making from OnlyFans and which private schools they went to.
“For some reason, this idea made it through our spam filter and, to be honest, we love it. For one, it’ll get the whole thing done in about 40 minutes from beginning to end, which makes a lot more sense than that slow bullshit we used to do. Plus most of the floats don’t have oil sumps, so they’re ready to go.”
While the change in route is good news for those hanging out to see that giant clown on a bike whizzing past Hope Valley Reservoir at 90 kilometres an hour, it is bad news for the hundreds of bagpipers who will now be expected to keep pace with the rapid parade while also expelling enough air to adequately butcher “Hark the Herald”.
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