15 January, 2021 South Australia's other fake news source

Farmers Union to launch new milk-based sports energy drink

DAVID KNIGHT

“The curdle helps you clear the hurdles”

Farmers Union has stunned the South Australian food and beverage industry by today announcing a
new line of Iced-Coffee based sports Energy Drinks.

Adelaide Mail spoke to FUIC product development manager, Di Abeeties at the product launch for “Farmers Union Iced Coffee Sport Plus”.

After confirming she was indeed not high, Di Abeeties explained the decision to launch the new line.

‘Well it’s our duty to keep those Yanks and their fizzy brown seppo sugar water off the top of the
podium. To that end, we’re diversifying the Farmers Union Iced Coffee range and expanding into an
area of the market we haven’t previously occupied – sports energy drinks’.

When asked how she thought a milk-based energy drink would be received, she replied ‘The energy part’s not a problem, there’s so much caffeine and sugar in it that we haven’t had to change the original formula that much, but that’s not the point – sometimes when you’re undergoing strenuous physical activity, you can feel a bit crook in the tummy – this is where FUIC Sport Plus really comes into its own, the unique milk based formula acts fast to help you get out a quick tactical vom’.

‘Everyone knows you feel better after getting it out of your system, and FUIC sport plus will bring it
up quicker than anything else. None of our competitors come close’.

‘And once you get the unpleasant stuff out of the way, the unique blend of minerals and electrolytes
helps replenish the stuff that the vom takes out. It really helps you to perform at your best – longer,
harder, creamier, frothier, chunkier’.

She then offered a sample of the new beverage to our reporter, who politely declined.

Farmers Union Iced Coffee Sport Plus will be available at all good supermarkets and service stations,
and even at some of the shit ones as well.

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