16 January, 2022 South Australia's other fake news source

SA leads nation in problem drinkers masked as wine connoisseurs

In yet another example of South Australia leading its counterparts in important lifestyle statistics, a new study has revealed that the state is miles ahead in alcoholism being disguised as wine appreciation.

The results of the study follow several months of statistical wins by the state, which is also leading the nation in unemployment and consumption of methamphetamine. 

If kicking back with one or two bottles of a nice, full-bodied McLaren Vale Cabernet is a problem, then I guess I must have a problem

Unley mother of three Wendly Haxby told Adelaide Mail that she doesn’t have a problem and she’s not sure where these researchers are getting their data.

‘If kicking back with one or two bottles of a nice, full-bodied McLaren Vale Cabernet is a problem, then I guess I must have a problem’, said Haxby while swilling a glass of riesling ahead of the after-school pickups.

‘Oh this? It’s a sunny day’, continued Haxby, referring to the glass of white she was downing from a glass being gripped by a tightly-clenched fist. ‘Anyway, I don’t think anybody considers riesling to be “alcoholic”, do they?’

‘Look, if wanting to sit back with a glass of wine at the end of a hard day of work…and suffering massive withdrawls and migraines at around two-thirty every day before I have a drink…and ignoring several ongoing alcohol-related health issues…and hiding bottles of Cab Sav at the bottom of the pantry behind the flour where nobody looks makes me an alocholic, then I guess I’m just a big, bloody alcoholic’.

By definition, Haxby is absolutely an alcoholic.

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