20 September, 2020 South Australia's other fake news source

Guy Sebastian asks PM for funding to support struggling Golden Grove Rage Cage

DAN SCHMIDT

GUG SEBASTIAN: Early 2000’s typical north-east hood-rat and former Australian Idol Guy Sebastian has met with the Prime Minister in an effort to boost funding for his community.

No, not the artist community, his local community of Golden Grove youths. With particular focus on what was once the pinnacle of radness, the Rage Cage at Greenfields, where Sebastian claims his basketball has been stuck between the ring and the backboard for well over a decade now.

Guy stated to Morrison in typical north-eastonian slang ‘Needs to be pumping again man, that place used to be hell sick back in the day. If there was a bunch of scooter gugs in the skatepark we’d head up there t’chill and crank some Millencolin and Seraphs Coal on the portable stezza. Sometimes we’d gank some Red Bears from the Blue Gums and try and skeem some Gleeson slurries, hey?’.

Morrison, unfamiliar with the north-east dialect circa 2001, came to the conclusion that Sebastian was either willing to support a funding boost for struggling artists or was in the middle of having a stroke.

Sebastian replied, ‘Yeah man, arts is sick hey? BCW crew tagging the wall behind the Village after fanging the dungas round Industry Park and looking for dumped hydro bags on them roads behind Greenwith’.

“If supporting artists means more tagging with permanent textas on the Cheap as Chips wall, then I’m all for it hey?”

Morrison, still unsure with what exactly was going on, reminded Guy that he owed the PM a favour after filling in for his 5-a-side social team at the Rec Centre and requested him as a spokesperson for the artist grant announcement.

‘No wuz, bruz’, replied Sebastian ‘North-East arts crew gonna be mad pumped. Skatepark gonna be tagged as. Buffers can’t win’.

Sebastian then repeatedly interrupted the PM’s announcement unprompted to remind everyone that Golden Grove is “World’s Best Address” and that the Banksia boys are nothing but toy gugs.

It is reported that Sebastian’s next political campaign will be “Make Netball Court’s car parks gravel again. Wanna do some sick dowees in mum’s Fiesta”.

Related Posts

SA tells WA ‘Only we have the skills to maintain problem-riddled subs’

13 August, 2019

13 August, 2019

With Western Australia circling Adelaide’s lucrative Collins Class Submarine maintenance contract, SA’s western counterparts have been told to ‘Back off,...

Elizabeth resident lobbies council to change name to Playholden

17 October, 2019

17 October, 2019

As the third anniversary of the closure of the Holden plant at Elizabeth approaches, lifetime local resident Camira Minnet lobbies...

Peter Van the Party Man really just wants a quiet night in with the kids

13 September, 2018

13 September, 2018

It’s been over thirty years of non-stop debauchery for Goodwood Road’s most-famous party man Peter Van, but his days of...

“R U OK? Day” followed up with far less popular “R U OBAHN? Day”

11 September, 2020

11 September, 2020

In the wake of the extremely important R U OK? Day, a group of South Australian public transport enthusiasts has...

“Stop all these bloody Adelaide city highrises” says Willunga resident

1 August, 2018

1 August, 2018

Gerald Manser, 62, of Willunga has had enough of CBD development. On his yearly trip to the city for a...

Ceduna resident extremely angry about Adelaide Park Lands development

9 April, 2019

9 April, 2019

Murat Thevenard of Ceduna is your average consumer of South Australia’s satirical newspaper, The Advertiser, he gets it delivered to...

Michael Keelan referred to as Keith Conlon for the last time!

23 September, 2018

23 September, 2018

That’s it, he’s absolutely had it. At first it was funny, sometimes even a little bit flattering, but enough is...

Windy Point actually pronounced “Wine-dee” point because of the winding route to get there

15 November, 2019

15 November, 2019

Windy Point – You’re all saying it wrong! It turns out that we’ve all been saying the name of Adelaide’s...

International musician moves back to Adelaide to start boutique counterfeit winery

20 August, 2019

20 August, 2019

Rumours have it that US singer-songwriter and previous Adelaide resident Ben Folds is heading back to South Australia for a...

99.98% of all SA servo robberies perpetrated by the servo

12 March, 2019

12 March, 2019

South Australia has the highest service station robbery rates in the nation. However, largely due to our Peregrine overlords, it...

Moana commuter really appreciates that 20m stretch of Fiveash Dr with the 70kmh speed limit

30 June, 2020

30 June, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT A Moana resident who commutes to Adelaide’s eastern suburbs every day for work, has once again sent his...

Tinder date downgraded to Hawker’s Corner after iffy message

24 June, 2019

24 June, 2019

A looming Tinder date has had its venue downgraded to West Terrace food court Hawker’s Corner following a questionable opinion...

Victorian music journo asking for directions to “The Barton” theatre

29 January, 2019

29 January, 2019

Visiting Victorian music journalist Gulag Torquehand has lost her patience with seemingly unhelpful South Australians after asking dozens of Adelaideans...

MIRACLE: PM somehow manages to make our Premier seem like a good leader

6 January, 2020

6 January, 2020

In perhaps his finest achievement of his Prime Ministership to-date, Scott Morrison has pulled off a selfless miracle, sacrificing his...

Former Unley High student goes whole day without mentioning that Julia Gillard went to Unley

15 November, 2018

15 November, 2018

Friends and family of former Unley High School student Matthew Drorting are relieved today following 24 hours of Drorting’s self-imposed...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: