27 July, 2021 South Australia's other fake news source

Guy Sebastian asks PM for funding to support struggling Golden Grove Rage Cage

DAN SCHMIDT

GUG SEBASTIAN: Early 2000’s typical north-east hood-rat and former Australian Idol Guy Sebastian has met with the Prime Minister in an effort to boost funding for his community.

No, not the artist community, his local community of Golden Grove youths. With particular focus on what was once the pinnacle of radness, the Rage Cage at Greenfields, where Sebastian claims his basketball has been stuck between the ring and the backboard for well over a decade now.

Guy stated to Morrison in typical north-eastonian slang ‘Needs to be pumping again man, that place used to be hell sick back in the day. If there was a bunch of scooter gugs in the skatepark we’d head up there t’chill and crank some Millencolin and Seraphs Coal on the portable stezza. Sometimes we’d gank some Red Bears from the Blue Gums and try and skeem some Gleeson slurries, hey?’.

Morrison, unfamiliar with the north-east dialect circa 2001, came to the conclusion that Sebastian was either willing to support a funding boost for struggling artists or was in the middle of having a stroke.

Sebastian replied, ‘Yeah man, arts is sick hey? BCW crew tagging the wall behind the Village after fanging the dungas round Industry Park and looking for dumped hydro bags on them roads behind Greenwith’.

“If supporting artists means more tagging with permanent textas on the Cheap as Chips wall, then I’m all for it hey?”

Morrison, still unsure with what exactly was going on, reminded Guy that he owed the PM a favour after filling in for his 5-a-side social team at the Rec Centre and requested him as a spokesperson for the artist grant announcement.

‘No wuz, bruz’, replied Sebastian ‘North-East arts crew gonna be mad pumped. Skatepark gonna be tagged as. Buffers can’t win’.

Sebastian then repeatedly interrupted the PM’s announcement unprompted to remind everyone that Golden Grove is “World’s Best Address” and that the Banksia boys are nothing but toy gugs.

It is reported that Sebastian’s next political campaign will be “Make Netball Court’s car parks gravel again. Wanna do some sick dowees in mum’s Fiesta”.

Related Posts

This ALDI cookware is such a bargain you’ll almost forget about Australia’s history of systemic racism

2 June, 2020

2 June, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT What a glorious year under the good graces of the ALDI gods it has been. Just when we...

Satirical news site runs out of TV commercials to rank, now completely out of ideas

29 May, 2020

29 May, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT South Australia’s second favourite source of fake news has been revealed for the sham that it is, with...

Business who still hasn’t added 8 to phone number probably shonky

18 October, 2019

18 October, 2019

A television and VCR repair shop on Goodwood Road in Adelaide’s inner south is staring the wind of change in...

Bogged Popeye blocks River Torrens trade route

25 March, 2021

25 March, 2021

One of South Australia’s most tolerated icons has found itself stuck in Adelaide’s main trade route, the River Torrens. Causing...

Residents of Shithöle angered at being compared to Adelaide

25 September, 2019

25 September, 2019

The small village of Shithöle lies somewhere along the Eastern European poverty belt’s poverty belt, near the disputed border of...

Wayville Physio still recovering from closure of Mad Mouse

31 August, 2018

31 August, 2018

It’s been over a decade since the closure of Adelaide’s iconic roller-coaster the ‘Mad Mouse’, but the financial impacts can still...

Seeing a gap in the market, all OTRs start serving pancakes 24/7

17 June, 2019

17 June, 2019

With the Pancake Kitchen no longer operating 24 hours a day during the week, the OTR overlords have announced the...

Oakbank Racing Club releases At-Home Horse Euthanasia Kit for those missing the Easter carnival

12 April, 2020

12 April, 2020

Organisers of the annual Oakbank Easter Carnival are looking at novel ways to give punters a way to enjoy all...

Spike in northern suburbs weddings ahead of Bali extramarital sex ban

22 September, 2019

22 September, 2019

The looming introduction of a new Indonesian law prohibiting extramarital sex and unmarried couples living together has seen a huge...

Plans for Anzac Hwy Le Cornu site revealed: Big fence, even more weeds

23 January, 2020

23 January, 2020 1

As Kaufland mysteriously disappear from Australian shores, top secret plans for the future of Le Cornu’s former Anzac Highway showroom...

REVEALED: Pelicans actually prefer to shop at TTP

13 November, 2019

13 November, 2019

As part of Adelaide Mail’s “you should know this” investigative journalism article series, where we expose secrets from around South...

REVEALED: Chicken Chef actually only qualified as a Kitchenhand

4 November, 2019

4 November, 2019

As part of Adelaide Mail’s “you should know this” investigative journalism article series, where we expose secrets from around South...

Big Red Car mag wheels stolen at Elizabeth City Centre

31 October, 2018

31 October, 2018

Disappointed children and slightly relieved parents have arrived at Elizabeth Shopping Centre to find the multi-coloured mag wheels stolen from...

Greenhills Adventure Park equipment repurposed for new ‘Greenhill Road Adventure Park’

1 February, 2019

1 February, 2019

After closing over two years ago, Victor Harbor’s biggest attraction and insurance liability Greenhills Adventure Park will have a new...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: