South Australia’s marine ecosystem has taken another hit, with scientists confirming the extinction of the state’s most important marine animal, the fish-shaped soy sauce container.
The Head of the Liquor, Sauce & Condiments division at the Aquatic Research Services Entity (ARSE), Major Bransom Glendinning, told Adelaide Mail that the extinction could have unimagined knock-on effects.
“Entire ecosystems could be in danger, like the one outside Station Arcade on Hindley Street that sells sushi for suspiciously cheap after 4pm.
“We at ARSE Liquor, Sauce & Condiments are looking into what other effects this could have on the food chain”.
Sushi eaters in SA will now be forced to choose between a shared communal bottle which was last cleaned in 2015 using a chux cloth with a very unusual texture or a plastic sachet that requires six minutes of violent gnawing and tearing before it finally opens, spilling all over your white shirt.
Authorities have assured the public that the species will live on in memory, with remaining specimens to be taxidermied and placed on display at the South Australian Maritime Museum, right between the shipwreck artefacts and the world’s largest ball of tangled rope from my crab nets that I gave up on untangling then flung over the side of the Ardrossan jetty two years ago.
No word yet on the survival status of those plastic sushi containers that are the loudest things in the world when crinkled.
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