Complete Success! Remaining CBD shops to become convenience stores by end of day

TRENT BARTLETT

In what the City of Adelaide is calling “a landmark achievement in business diversity,” officials today confirmed that every remaining shopfront in the CBD will be converted into a convenience store by close of business.

The move comes after years of bold urban-planning decisions designed to ensure that, no matter where you stand in the city, at least three fluorescently lit stores selling vapes but pretending to sell energy drinks are within arm’s reach.

Head of Adelaide Retail, Smokes & E-Cigarettes (ARSE) Association Barina Corvaline told Adelaide Mail that the expansion would help bolster the city’s core economy of selling grey-market cigarettes while pretending to ring up a Pump water bottle.

“The transition for residents has been seamless, especially because you can get everything you need in a convenience store…providing what you need is some out-of-date chocolates, chewing gum or a new vape.”

While some have called the proliferation of Convenience Stores unnecessary, many have defended the new arrangement. One CBD worker told Adelaide Mail that he now has more choice than ever when he goes shopping: “This store sells the exact same mango ice vape as the one across the

Others insist the variety is unmatched: “This one sells the exact same mango ice vape juice as the one across the road, but the lighting makes me feel slightly worse.”