26 January, 2023

‘The Advertiser site really needs more autoplaying videos’, says idiot

Not content with the dozens of relentless display ads and ‘native’ articles masquerading as journalism, The Advertiser has employed idiot media consultant Notham Curdlysoup to identify ways to increase reader irritation across their website.

As Adelaide’s flagship news website, The Advertiser prides itself on being ‘South Australia’s go-to source for respected local news coverage…and Caleb Bond’, however, its user irritation targets have fallen behind in recent years as readers grow immune to an increasingly intolerable website.

The best scenario would be five or six unrelated videos per article, all playing automatically and simultaneously, with sound on and no way of stopping them

‘Basically, my job is to make sure that the user experience on The Advertiser website is as hassle-laden as possible’, says Curdlysoup. ‘We’ve had a bit of success with unskippable 30-second pre-roll ads on 6 second videos, but I reckon we can really get the site to a point where it’s borderline unusable’.

‘I’ve advised management to invest heavily in more autoplaying videos across the entire site. The best scenario would be five or six unrelated videos per article, all playing automatically and simultaneously, with sound on and no way of stopping them. A man can dream’.

The proposed changes won’t come cheap, with website infrastructure needing to be re-built from the ground-up to accommodate an interface that annoying. Curdlysoup is confident, however, that News Corp will find the money.

‘My advice would be another round of redundancies. Are there any more subeditors left over? I reckon we could afford to loose a few more, I mean, what have they ever done for anyone?’

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