19 January, 2020 South Australia's other fake news source

‘The Advertiser site really needs more autoplaying videos’, says idiot

TRENT BARTLETT

Not content with the dozens of relentless display ads and ‘native’ articles masquerading as journalism, The Advertiser has employed idiot media consultant Notham Curdlysoup to identify ways to increase reader irritation across their website.

As Adelaide’s flagship news website, The Advertiser prides itself on being ‘South Australia’s go-to source for respected local news coverage…and Caleb Bond’, however, its user irritation targets have fallen behind in recent years as readers grow immune to an increasingly intolerable website.

The best scenario would be five or six unrelated videos per article, all playing automatically and simultaneously, with sound on and no way of stopping them

‘Basically, my job is to make sure that the user experience on The Advertiser website is as hassle-laden as possible’, says Curdlysoup. ‘We’ve had a bit of success with unskippable 30-second pre-roll ads on 6 second videos, but I reckon we can really get the site to a point where it’s borderline unusable’.

‘I’ve advised management to invest heavily in more autoplaying videos across the entire site. The best scenario would be five or six unrelated videos per article, all playing automatically and simultaneously, with sound on and no way of stopping them. A man can dream’.

The proposed changes won’t come cheap, with website infrastructure needing to be re-built from the ground-up to accommodate an interface that annoying. Curdlysoup is confident, however, that News Corp will find the money.

‘My advice would be another round of redundancies. Are there any more subeditors left over? I reckon we could afford to loose a few more, I mean, what have they ever done for anyone?’

Related Posts

Residents of Shithöle angered at being compared to Adelaide

25 September, 2019

25 September, 2019

The small village of Shithöle lies somewhere along the Eastern European poverty belt’s poverty belt, near the disputed border of...

Suburb of Devon Park to be renamed Fritz Park

7 January, 2019

7 January, 2019

In an act of South Australian patriotism, a successful campaign by residents has led to the inner north suburb of...

SA called ‘Beggar State’ by Senator literally begging for money on GoFundMe

14 November, 2018

14 November, 2018

NSW Senator David Leyonhjelm has described South Australia as a “beggar state” that should be thrown out of the Australian...

Adelaide Crows Aquatic Centre will abolish Pike Position

12 December, 2019

12 December, 2019

With the Adelaide Crows Aquatic Centre HQ looking to go ahead sometime in the near future because they’re the Crows...

LOL, Melbourne thinks this is a beach

10 December, 2019

10 December, 2019

In a city where locals will constantly remind you it’s “world’s most livable” and also frequently awarded “world’s most consistently...

Karen no longer knows how to threaten local businesses without Today Tonight

27 November, 2019

27 November, 2019

LET ME SPEAK TO THE MANAGER!: This morning as Clarence Gardens facebook-mum of two Karen Decrows, 43, set off for...

Push to save The Thebby so that bands can continue to skip it on tours

9 July, 2019

9 July, 2019

Rich in tradition, it’s the Adelaide live music venue that has been skipped by thousands of bands on their Australian...

Calm down Jessica, it’s Lofty, not Everest

21 December, 2018

21 December, 2018

With a backpack full of rations, emergency supplies, and flares, Jessica Peak is fully equipped for her 3.9km Waterfall Gully to Mount...

Victorian music journo asking for directions to “The Barton” theatre

29 January, 2019

29 January, 2019

Visiting Victorian music journalist Gulag Torquehand has lost her patience with seemingly unhelpful South Australians after asking dozens of Adelaideans...

Car controlled by bees still more courteous than most Adelaide drivers

26 September, 2019

26 September, 2019

In a growing trend to worry drivers and parents across Adelaide, South Australian motorists are surrendering their cars to swarms...

Ceduna resident extremely angry about Adelaide Park Lands development

9 April, 2019

9 April, 2019

Murat Thevenard of Ceduna is your average consumer of South Australia’s satirical newspaper, The Advertiser, he gets it delivered to...

Keith Conlon announced as new drummer for I Killed The Prom Queen

27 November, 2018

27 November, 2018

In a bold new move by Adelaide’s metalcore kings I Killed The Prom Queen, the announcement of veteran radio broadcaster...

Power fan with ‘Est. 1870’ tattoo tells Crows fan to ‘stop living in past’

5 April, 2019

5 April, 2019

Albert Tonne is one of those ‘passionate’ Port Power fans, he attends most Power home games (unless it’s a little cloudy or...

Bloke in bucket hat heads straight to Maslins bushes for some reason

8 November, 2019

8 November, 2019

A Gawler man has confounded onlookers upon his arrival at Adelaide’s Maslin Beach, appearing wearing a bucket hat, long pants...

International musician moves back to Adelaide to start boutique counterfeit winery

20 August, 2019

20 August, 2019

Rumours have it that US singer-songwriter and previous Adelaide resident Ben Folds is heading back to South Australia for a...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: