28 March, 2020 South Australia's other fake news source

‘The Advertiser site really needs more autoplaying videos’, says idiot

TRENT BARTLETT

Not content with the dozens of relentless display ads and ‘native’ articles masquerading as journalism, The Advertiser has employed idiot media consultant Notham Curdlysoup to identify ways to increase reader irritation across their website.

As Adelaide’s flagship news website, The Advertiser prides itself on being ‘South Australia’s go-to source for respected local news coverage…and Caleb Bond’, however, its user irritation targets have fallen behind in recent years as readers grow immune to an increasingly intolerable website.

The best scenario would be five or six unrelated videos per article, all playing automatically and simultaneously, with sound on and no way of stopping them

‘Basically, my job is to make sure that the user experience on The Advertiser website is as hassle-laden as possible’, says Curdlysoup. ‘We’ve had a bit of success with unskippable 30-second pre-roll ads on 6 second videos, but I reckon we can really get the site to a point where it’s borderline unusable’.

‘I’ve advised management to invest heavily in more autoplaying videos across the entire site. The best scenario would be five or six unrelated videos per article, all playing automatically and simultaneously, with sound on and no way of stopping them. A man can dream’.

The proposed changes won’t come cheap, with website infrastructure needing to be re-built from the ground-up to accommodate an interface that annoying. Curdlysoup is confident, however, that News Corp will find the money.

‘My advice would be another round of redundancies. Are there any more subeditors left over? I reckon we could afford to loose a few more, I mean, what have they ever done for anyone?’

Related Posts

AFP raids Adelaide Mail offices only to find Xavier Minniecon

5 June, 2019

5 June, 2019

One year after publishing a damning exposé on the existence of the fictional suburb Kingswood, Australian Federal Police officers have...

Port Elliot millennials start petition to change name of Boomer Beach

22 November, 2019

22 November, 2019

Undertaking the ultimate form of slacktivism, Port Elliot’s entire millennial population (a total of sixteen residents) have started an online...

Breaking: PAC old scholar forgets to write ‘PAC’ in Tinder bio

5 February, 2019

5 February, 2019

In a devastating oversight that is already proving costly to his romantic chances ahead of Valentine’s Day, Sebastian Anglosaxon has...

Uh-oh! This article is sponsored by some company, but we forgot who

20 February, 2019

20 February, 2019

After taking a look at The Betoota Advocate’s website and seeing how much advertising money we’re missing out on, we...

South Australian corrects interstate friend on her pronunciation again

19 February, 2019

19 February, 2019

In what is fast becoming a deal-breaker amongst new Victorian friends and colleagues of South Australian Shelly Fischer, the freshly-migrated...

Government shocked when video of weeping man doesn’t encourage tourists to flock to SA

22 January, 2020

22 January, 2020

A baffling marketing campaign featuring an elderly man weeping as he toured throughout South Australia’s tourism hot spots has been...

SA leads nation in problem drinkers masked as wine connoisseurs

25 October, 2019

25 October, 2019

In yet another example of South Australia leading its counterparts in important lifestyle statistics, a new study has revealed that...

Man goes to Glenelg for New Year’s under impression it may be good

2 January, 2020

2 January, 2020

A local Adelaide man will tonight undertake what many South Australians have fallen trap to in the past. As a...

Kid dressed as Britannia Roundabout wins Adelaide’s scariest costume contest

31 October, 2019

31 October, 2019

Britani-AHH!!: Adelaide held its annual scariest Halloween costume contest this morning, with thousands of children from all around the state...

Empty Port Adelaide shed makes way for empty apartment building

18 April, 2019

18 April, 2019

The State Government has stepped into the ring in a fight over a historic shed in Port Adelaide, overruling a...

Tensions escalate as Hamas mistakenly bombs Gaza Footy Club

29 January, 2020

29 January, 2020

A north-eastern Adelaide football club has been mistakenly drawn into a long-running Middle Eastern conflict solely because their name is...

Crows fan fires up the old VCR again to feel better

8 July, 2019

8 July, 2019

After a shocking Showdown loss over the weekend, one-eyed (her good one) Adelaide Crows fan Rose Parque has decided to...

Hinkley, Pyke given 3-year contract extensions to teach them a lesson

23 July, 2019

23 July, 2019

In light of two equally inconsistent seasons, both South Australian AFL clubs have found themselves scratching their heads at what...

Next 8 hours of office chat reserved for ‘that weather last night’

11 July, 2019

11 July, 2019

When the most interesting thing to happen to the typical office employee between the hours of 5pm and 9am is...

New “Farmers Onion” Iced Coffee flavour only popular with one man

29 October, 2019

29 October, 2019

In a bold new move by South Australia’s highest selling beverage company, the new Farmer’s Union, “Farmer’s Onion” Iced Coffee...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: