26 May, 2022

‘The Advertiser site really needs more autoplaying videos’, says idiot

Not content with the dozens of relentless display ads and ‘native’ articles masquerading as journalism, The Advertiser has employed idiot media consultant Notham Curdlysoup to identify ways to increase reader irritation across their website.

As Adelaide’s flagship news website, The Advertiser prides itself on being ‘South Australia’s go-to source for respected local news coverage…and Caleb Bond’, however, its user irritation targets have fallen behind in recent years as readers grow immune to an increasingly intolerable website.

The best scenario would be five or six unrelated videos per article, all playing automatically and simultaneously, with sound on and no way of stopping them

‘Basically, my job is to make sure that the user experience on The Advertiser website is as hassle-laden as possible’, says Curdlysoup. ‘We’ve had a bit of success with unskippable 30-second pre-roll ads on 6 second videos, but I reckon we can really get the site to a point where it’s borderline unusable’.

‘I’ve advised management to invest heavily in more autoplaying videos across the entire site. The best scenario would be five or six unrelated videos per article, all playing automatically and simultaneously, with sound on and no way of stopping them. A man can dream’.

The proposed changes won’t come cheap, with website infrastructure needing to be re-built from the ground-up to accommodate an interface that annoying. Curdlysoup is confident, however, that News Corp will find the money.

‘My advice would be another round of redundancies. Are there any more subeditors left over? I reckon we could afford to loose a few more, I mean, what have they ever done for anyone?’

Related Posts

Woman hailed as genius for finding secret express route from City to TTP

13 June, 2019

13 June, 2019

TRENT BARTLETT Victorian motorist Ransack Platoon has been labelled as a genius by motoring groups after discovering a shortcut that...

Government announce second road race for December – Santa’s Tour Down Under

28 January, 2020

28 January, 2020

MATT FREEMAN Riding a wave of excitement from the Tour Down Under, the state government are set to add a...

After stealing our Grand Prix, Melbourne now steals our idea of cancelling a motor race

6 July, 2021

6 July, 2021

After stealing the Formula 1 Grand Prix from Adelaide in 1996, Melbourne has once again stolen a South Australian motorsport...

You can still take the kids to Puzzle Park this school holidays, it’s now somehow safer

8 July, 2020

8 July, 2020

What was once South Australia’s answer to Disneyland, the theme-park and scrap-metal haven of Puzzle Park now sadly remains abandoned...

Could’ve been more specific, say mates meeting at ‘Shit Norwood Cafe’

12 November, 2019

12 November, 2019

A pair of old friends who had arranged to catch up at ‘That shitty Italian place on The Parade’ are...

Fringe comedian claiming to have performed at Edinburgh just told some jokes outside the RAAF base

16 March, 2022

16 March, 2022

As the Adelaide Fringe Festival begins to wind down, some local comedians are resorting to new tactics in an attempt...

Modbury Triangle celebrates 14th shopper of 2020

3 March, 2020

3 March, 2020

In what has been an admittedly slower year for one of the smaller metropolitan shopping outlets, Modbury Triangle Shopping Centre...

You can visit Red Square this weekend! (And by ‘Red Square’ we mean some ginger nerd)

20 May, 2020

20 May, 2020

With news breaking that pubs will not commence reopening until June, there are still plenty of ways to have fun...

Solution found to bring back Adelaide 500

3 March, 2021

3 March, 2021

With South Australia’s heavily-branded apparel wearers lamenting the lack of The Clipsal or Superloop or Adelaide 500 or whatever it...

Number One! Number One! SA leads the nation in this one key statistic

16 August, 2019

16 August, 2019

There aren’t too many measures in which South Australia ranks first amongst Australian states. Mainland states that is. We remain...

Fun Fact: TTP actually stands for ‘That Terrible Place’

21 August, 2020

21 August, 2020

“WhY iS tHe rEtAiL sEcToR fAiLiNg?”: It is a little known fact that the north-eastern shopping centre was initially named...

LOL, Melbourne thinks this is a beach

10 December, 2019

10 December, 2019

In a city where locals will constantly remind you it’s “world’s most livable” and also frequently awarded “world’s most consistently...

Hinkley, Pyke given 3-year contract extensions to teach them a lesson

23 July, 2019

23 July, 2019

In light of two equally inconsistent seasons, both South Australian AFL clubs have found themselves scratching their heads at what...

ShitAdelaide changes name to MAFSadelaide

8 April, 2019

8 April, 2019

Originally a source of general ridicule at the expense of Adelaide’s drunk and poor, the mysterious owners behind Instagram account...

Big Red Car mag wheels stolen at Elizabeth City Centre

31 October, 2018

31 October, 2018

Disappointed children and slightly relieved parents have arrived at Elizabeth Shopping Centre to find the multi-coloured mag wheels stolen from...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: