15 January, 2021 South Australia's other fake news source

Most psychological problems in SA’s millennials able to be traced back to one TV show

TRENT BARTLETT

New research has revealed the vast majority of South Australian under-40s’ psychological issues can be traced back to the former Channel Ten kids show Mulligrubs.

The show was hosted by a heavily chromakeyed woman whose face was largely removed to render her unrecognisable.

According to Adelaide Mail’s research department, the woman in front of the green screen had been given the job upon entering the witness protection program.

However upon further actual research, it turns out that the woman was actually just a paid actor and our research department (which consists entirely of one millennial on JobKeeper browsing Pedestrian.tv for any Bachelor articles that we can re-publish by simply changing a few of the words in the headline) had invented the witness protection story out of spite after Adelaide Mail’s management removed chairs from the breakroom citing social distancing restrictions and also disdain for our employees.

But that didn’t stop Adelaide Mail reporters from probing Claudette O’Halloran for hours over her time in the witness protection program and her alleged links to the Jesters’ Motorcycle Gang.

By the sixth hour of intensive questioning, Claudette caved and admitted that she had played a small, off-sider role in a 2002 drug smuggling operation out of Jakarta.

And while Claudette may have admitted to a drug-smuggling story that we completely invented due to a severe lack of any real research, we did pass on Claudette’s details to SAPOL who are now investigating.

Oh yeah, and that study about Mulligrubs causing psychological issues was probably false too, we didn’t look into it any further than copy/pasting the headline from a press release that landed in our inbox.Most psychological problems in SA’s millennials able to be traced back to one TV show

Related Posts

Parents, is your teen texting about Adelaide’s North-Eastern suburbs?

21 January, 2019

21 January, 2019

Is your teenage son or daughter always on their phone? The kids these days with their MSN Messenger and MySpace...

Man who suggested synchronising traffic light sequences swiftly fired

30 September, 2019

30 September, 2019

A staff member from South Australia’s Department of Planning, Transport & Infrastructure has been fired from his role as a...

City dads mourn the closure of their sole fashion source

17 February, 2020

17 February, 2020

Dads from around Adelaide have gathered to pay silent tribute to their sole source of clothing and style advice following...

Old Le Cornu site to become new Swedish Furniture store ‘De Körneu’

22 May, 2019

22 May, 2019

The Adelaide City Council has made the announcement of what will finally be done with the ever controversial old Le...

Netflix to release Last Dance sequel about another team’s 97-98 former glory

17 May, 2020

17 May, 2020

As ‘The Last Dance’ documentary series about the 1997-1998 Chicago Bulls wraps up, Netflix has announced another series will be...

Power fans start pretending they always follow SANFL

20 September, 2019

20 September, 2019

With the Port Adelaide Magpies facing off against Glenelg in the SANFL Grand Final this weekend, Port Power fans will...

FACT: It’s called “Emo Park” because it’s the most depressing place in Adelaide

9 October, 2020

9 October, 2020

The midwest pocket of Hindmarsh Square is certainly an interesting place. There’s a giant dead fish skeleton, a dodgy looking...

OTR pay their staff fairly and we’re writing this of our own free will

11 December, 2019

11 December, 2019

In recent days, you may have seen news about how a group of lawyers are considering launching a class action...

How many of these top 10 ultimate 90’s Adelaide moments do you remember?

13 August, 2020

13 August, 2020

NOT CLICKBAIT! The top 10 90's Adelaide moments.

Bus uses self-destruct function after learning it will be servicing new Hackham to Hillbank route

19 May, 2020

19 May, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT An Adelaide Metro bus who recently learned that it will be redeployed into a new route servicing some...

PAFC set to ban single-use plastic tarps

6 July, 2019

6 July, 2019

Renewing its commitment to sustainability, Port Adelaide Football Club today announced that they would be doing away with the single-use...

Adelaide 36ers to change name to “Adelaide BCers” to honour traditional landowners

8 September, 2020

8 September, 2020

MATT FREEMAN With the Washington Redskins finally realizing the bloody obvious, that their nickname is actually racially offensive, the Adelaide...

Election announced: Someone in Mt Barker orders 1,000 novelty cheques

11 April, 2019

11 April, 2019

Following the announcement from acting Prime Minister Scott Morrison that Australians will go to the polls on May 18th, somebody...

Fullarton Road servo sells out of these sunnies for some reason

1 March, 2019

1 March, 2019

In what has been described by economists as an unpredicted and alarming spike in demand, a Fullarton Road service station...

Thousands of Port fans call in ‘sick’, empty office chairs everywhere tarped

13 May, 2019

13 May, 2019

Thousands of Port Power fans from around the state have chucked a sickie today, knowing full well they are incapable...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: