6 June, 2020 South Australia's other fake news source

EXPOSED: Ancestry DNA shows Adelaide not even related to “Sister Cities”

MATT FREEMAN

The Adelaide City Council has attempted to stop all those naysayers that say “Sister Cities” is some meaningless made up concept invented so that people in small cities can feel like they’re internationally recognised.


The councils’ Chief (and only) Scientific Officer, Dr Walter White-Labkote explains ‘It all got a bit out of control when marketing found out that I have Colonel Light’s pointing finger in frozen storage. They were looking at a way to justify their annual trips to all our sister cities and show it wasn’t just a marketing stunt. I tried to explain, but they just called me a nerd, stole the finger and my Princess Leia Pop Vinyl’.

Sources within the council say that in the current budgetary climate, this wasn’t enough to approve the $89.95 needed for the Ancestry DNA test of Colonel Light’s finger. However, evidence presented by the council’s historian showed that Light had indeed travelled to Adelaide’s sister city of
Christchurch in his youth. Also, his personal diaries revealed a strong Asian fetish with a particular interest in Hentai, further increasing the chance of Light sewing his city seeds in Adelaide’s sister cities in Japan, China, and Malaysia.

White-Labkote then received the results 6 to 8 weeks later which showed a 0% match with all of our sister cities, at which point the marketing team said ‘You’re the only zero’ and threw his now broken pop vinyl at him.

An official statement from the Adelaide Council states “although these results aren’t what we were hoping and expecting, science is always improving and Ancestry DNA said to come back as results change as the database improves. So we don’t want to jump to conclusions just yet, and all trips to our sister cities will still go ahead. However, we’re quite proud of our marketing department who have volunteered to cancel a planned trip to our Chinese sister city in order to save money.”

in News, Travel
Related Posts

Adelaide Metro app update to feature better arrival time accuracy of non-existent buses

12 November, 2018

12 November, 2018

In the largest app update since the ‘randomly crashing’ feature Adelaide Metro has announced the newest app feature for commuters....

Haggle guy reckons he could still get a Caffe Primo meal for $9.90

5 July, 2019

5 July, 2019

Despite not having a $9.90 menu or the iconic South Australian television commercial for several years, there is one person...

Michael Keelan referred to as Keith Conlon for the last time!

23 September, 2018

23 September, 2018

That’s it, he’s absolutely had it. At first it was funny, sometimes even a little bit flattering, but enough is...

Old mate puts Holden badge on new Camaro

30 July, 2019

30 July, 2019

With the release of American muscle-car the Chevrolet Camaro to Australia, avid Holden fan Beau Ghan was excited to somehow get...

Woman scurries from David Jones building to avoid that hand cream guy

25 November, 2019

25 November, 2019

A Torrensville woman has aborted her first attempt at Christmas shopping for the year after being chased out of the...

Entire city somehow surprised by annual road closures again

26 February, 2019

26 February, 2019

Despite a predictable schedule of annual road closures preceded by road signs forewarning motorists weeks in advance, the entire population...

Campbelltown man installs sprinklers to water concrete while he’s on holiday

12 July, 2018

12 July, 2018

A Campbelltown man has installed a state-of-the-art, new sprinkler system to continue a strict routine of concrete watering over his...

Aspiring Magic Cave Father Christmas will probably settle for Parabanks gig again

26 October, 2018

26 October, 2018

For professional shopping centre Father Christmas Claude St Velcro, it’s become a case of take what you can get. Every...

Could’ve been more specific, say mates meeting at ‘Shit Norwood Cafe’

12 November, 2019

12 November, 2019

A pair of old friends who had arranged to catch up at ‘That shitty Italian place on The Parade’ are...

Torrens NYE “just as good as Darling Harbour” says cash-strapped dad

30 December, 2018

30 December, 2018

Following intensive rallying by his two sons calling for a new year’s eve trip to Sydney, Walton Erudite has made...

New Farmer’s Union Iced Coffee merchandise instantly sells out of 5XL sizing

27 June, 2019

27 June, 2019

With Farmer’s Union Iced Coffee desperately trying to target the insta-millennial market with their new line of merchandise, the new...

BMW X5s return to Burnside after annual migration to Pt Elliot shacks

4 January, 2019

4 January, 2019

An annual migratory flight of eastern suburbs quasi-four wheel drives is nearly over for another year as the final straggling...

SA called ‘Beggar State’ by Senator literally begging for money on GoFundMe

14 November, 2018

14 November, 2018

NSW Senator David Leyonhjelm has described South Australia as a “beggar state” that should be thrown out of the Australian...

“Should have seen it coming” – Mr Bankrupt on his business’s bankruptcy

2 November, 2018

2 November, 2018

The saying goes that hindsight is twenty-twenty, and that rings true for nobody more than former Adelaide business tycoon Mr...

Man calling a ‘parmi’ a ‘parma’ rightfully run out of town

21 March, 2019

21 March, 2019

Jolkeep Johnton thought that he was masking his innate Victorian-ness well, he would pronounce the word ‘graph’ with an almost...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: