6 July, 2020 South Australia's other fake news source

170kg Clapham man favourite for Bay Sheffield after being handed 105m handicap

Cuddly giant Kade Gypsum has steamed ahead as the bookies’ favourite for the iconic Bay Sheffield foot race after being awarded a 105 metre headstart in the 120 metre main event.

Gypsum’s friend entered him into the event after he claimed that he could still keep pace with his footy-playing school friends. The claim was made in spite of the fact that Gypsum has stacked on some 85 kilograms since last moving at a pace faster than a light canter.

I’ve been eating in preparation, what do they call it? Carb loading? Yeah, carb loading

‘I came third in the 200 metre hurdles in my year ten sports day’, says Gypsum, ‘it was only a field of six and they did throw the entries open to all years because of the low number of registrations. But still, I handed those reception kids their arse on a platter’, boasts Gypsum.

When asked about his training regime ahead of the race, Kade is decidedly coy, ‘I’ve been eating in preparation, what do they call it? Carb loading? Yeah, carb loading. I figure it got me this far in the race already, so why change a good thing?’

But Gypsum’s running dreams don’t end with the Bay Sheffield, if all goes to plan in the Glenelg race, the portly plumber is eyeing off the 100m sprint at the 2020 Tokyo Olympics.

‘I don’t see why I can’t win, Usain Bolt has retired and if I can start with the same sort of handicap I’m a shoo-in’.

UPDATE: Gypsum was a late withdrawal from the race, citing chest pains and a two-for-one special on Iced Coffees at the local servo.

in News, Sport
Related Posts

Casual Crows fan unsure if he’s supposed to love or hate Tex this week

3 June, 2019

3 June, 2019

With his form flip-flopping since the 2017 AFL Grand Final, Adelaide co-captain Taylor Walker has been the cause of much...

Lucindale starts with the clingy texts after a one night stand

17 September, 2019

17 September, 2019

As the dust settles in the usually quiet town in our State’s South-East and life starts to return to normal,...

Study finds 97% of Medindie car crashes caused by drivers looking up Scotty’s kilt

28 March, 2019

28 March, 2019

The Road And Car Executive has released their most recent annual Medindie accident causation report, with some startling results. ‘There’s...

Dad starts saving good Pageant spot now

24 October, 2019

24 October, 2019

With less than three weeks until the 2019 Christmas Pageant kicks off, father of three, Doug Float, is dedicated to...

New sports radio station 1629 SEN releases coverage map

10 December, 2018

10 December, 2018

Following questions about the breadth of new sports-only radio station SEN’s broadcast coverage, the fledgling station has released a comprehensive...

What the hell is East Terrace’s deal, anyway?

29 July, 2019

29 July, 2019

For all the plaudits paid to South Australia’s most famous drawer of grids Colonel William Light, nobody has ever bothered...

Munno Para driverless bus somehow involved in road rage incident

17 July, 2019

17 July, 2019 1

A minibus that operates without anybody behind the steering wheel has somehow become embroiled in a road rage incident in...

SA Water announce new Adelaide theme park ‘Burst Water Main World’

8 August, 2019

8 August, 2019

In an attempt to diversify revenue streams ahead of its probable privatisation, SA Water has revealed plans to open its...

Woman updates LinkedIn profile to include climbing Big Rocking Horse certificate

23 January, 2019

23 January, 2019

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Melanie Yearling of Birdwood doing whatever she can to enhance her LinkedIn profile for...

“South Boy” reckons Christies is heaps rougher than Smithfield

25 February, 2020

25 February, 2020 1

Despite never having travelled north of Prospect, Witton Huntfield of Christies Beach firmly believes that Adelaide’s southern suburbs are far...

Ingle Farm bachelor applies for ‘Farmer wants a wife’

8 February, 2019

8 February, 2019

Tired of the local dating scene and not being able to find a girl who will settle down, or even...

Terrified Glynde residents flee after active volcano discovered in area

15 May, 2020

15 May, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT Residents of the inner north-eastern suburb of Glynde are reportedly fleeing the area in droves after an active...

Chairman Mao’s portrait to be replaced with image of Pasquale Mastrangelo

16 August, 2018

16 August, 2018

The famous gates of Beijing’s Forbidden City are about to receive a real estate agent-inspired makeover, courtesy of Adelaide commercial...

Adelaide Mail announces new subscriber-only service Adelaide Mail Premium

1 April, 2020

1 April, 2020

It is with great excitement that the team at Adelaide Mail announces the next phase in our journey. Wall-to-wall paywalls...

Kid dressed as Britannia Roundabout wins Adelaide’s scariest costume contest

31 October, 2019

31 October, 2019

Britani-AHH!!: Adelaide held its annual scariest Halloween costume contest this morning, with thousands of children from all around the state...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: