28 March, 2020 South Australia's other fake news source

Johnny Haysman eats 2kg bag of sugar in attempt to gain YouTube subscribers

Dan Schmidt

In an attempt to appeal to a younger market and beat the YouTube algorithm, local eccentric Adelaide legend John Haysman has eaten a large bag of white sugar.

The somewhat disturbing video is over 3 hours long, and features John Haysman wearing a pink cowboy hat and lime speedo ensemble, whilst tucking into the bag of sugar with what appears to be a tablespoon. In the background the “Johnny, Johnny” nursery rhyme plays on repeat.

Johnny finishes the bag of sugar, and the video, with a graceful bow, before presumably heading to the emergency department

Haysman really starts strong within the first five minutes of the video, managing to down a spoonful almost every second. However, after the initial burst, it gets a little sad. Johnny appears to become physically and mentally exhausted, breathing heavily as he slowly downs each spoonful of sugar. By the 3 hour mark, Johnny is continually shouting “No Papa! No Papa!” whilst visibly shaking.

Johnny finishes the bag of sugar, and the video, with a graceful bow, before presumably heading to the emergency department.

The YouTube video has attracted 127 views. Haysman hopes this number grows so the advertisement monetisation can pay for his insulin.

Editor’s note: In all seriousness, Johnny Haysman does have a YouTube channel, and it is glorious. We’re not “telling lies”

Related Posts

Top two levels “still as exciting as ever” say Myer Centre management

12 April, 2019

12 April, 2019

In a bid to entice more people into an ageing, largely vacant shopping centre, the management of the Myer Centre...

Man leverages home equity to pay for son’s frog cake addiction

2 February, 2019

2 February, 2019

Being a single parent is never easy financially, especially when you have a ten-year-old son eating upwards of three Balfours...

Crows fan still angry about Ian Perrie for some reason

4 April, 2019

4 April, 2019

Their forward line has been a constant source of contempt for Adelaide Crows fans since Tony Modra packed up his...

Bloke who spent $900 on Home Lottery tickets very satisfied with his $75 Heatworks gift card

28 September, 2018

28 September, 2018

Troy Simons of Rosewater, lives by the old adage ‘you gotta’ be in it to win it’, and ‘win it’...

EXPOSED: Ancestry DNA shows Adelaide not even related to “Sister Cities”

12 February, 2020

12 February, 2020

MATT FREEMAN The Adelaide City Council has attempted to stop all those naysayers that say “Sister Cities” is some meaningless...

Adelaide man thinks shirt smelling like smoke is the biggest issue as hundreds flee homes

21 November, 2019

21 November, 2019

As residents of Yorke Peninsula have fled their homes overnight, only to hear this morning that their property is lost,...

We take a look back at ‘Crow Milk’ and the diabetes epidemic it caused

2 December, 2019

2 December, 2019

In the wake of current local flavoured milk wars, let’s take a moment to remember a simpler time in South...

The Advertiser returns to 100% satire following April Fools’ prank

2 April, 2019

2 April, 2019

It is a publication that has always gone to great lengths to get a laugh from South Australians. From the...

North Adelaide Roosters announce 78 co-captains

4 February, 2019

4 February, 2019

Following suit of the State’s AFL clubs and following their key to success, excess, North Adelaide Football Club have decided to...

Buffalo replica replica to honour memory of Buffalo replica

30 January, 2019

30 January, 2019

Just hours after it was announced that Glenelg’s landmark Buffalo restaurant would be demolished due to its state of disrepair,...

Nobody really sure if the Red Tins thing is sarcastic or not

27 November, 2018

27 November, 2018

From twenty-somethings happily sharing the same beer with their fathers to bar owners happily off-loading their surplus of West End...

People somehow shocked when Liberal govt starts privatising everything

17 May, 2019

17 May, 2019

With the state government looking for novel and opportunistic ways to deliver on pre-election fiscal promises, several key pieces of...

Advertiser censors front page advertisement

21 October, 2019

21 October, 2019

Putting up a united front against secrecy and journalistic censorship, South Australia’s leading satirical news service has joined multiple papers...

Crows fan fires up the old VCR again to feel better

8 July, 2019

8 July, 2019

After a shocking Showdown loss over the weekend, one-eyed (her good one) Adelaide Crows fan Rose Parque has decided to...

Peter Van’s to close; Advertiser wonders how many more times it can use phrase “Party’s over”

24 January, 2020

24 January, 2020

As news emerged that Adelaide’s resident Party Man, Peter Van will be ceasing all partying come March, subeditors at satirical...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: