19 April, 2021 South Australia's other fake news source

First stage of Tour Down Under won by lost Uber Eats rider

Today the Barossa hosted the first men’s stage of the Tour Down Under, a gruelling 150 kilometre slog even for the most experienced cyclists.

However today’s winner came as a surprise to many when Hashmir Groopex, an Uber Eats rider, was unexpectedly crowned king of whatever it is they call this stage.

What started out as a routine pickup of a Treasure Chest Pack from Munno Para Barnacle Bill’s to be delivered to Craigmore has ended up being hailed as one of professional cycling’s greatest feats (and feasts).

‘I picked up the order and I rode along Main North Road like I was supposed to’, recounted Groopex ‘but then my phone died so I had nowhere to go. I remembered the address was “something-more” so I just kept riding more, and more, and more’.

Soon Groopex somehow found himself at the tail-end of the peloton at Tanunda, ‘I thought, these Uber Eats riders seem to know where they’re going, so I followed them for a bit’.

Eventually making his way to the front of the group and growing increasingly worried about his rating, Groopex powered through the finish-line on his K-Mart Huffy, breaking all previous cycling and Uber Eats records.

Unwillingly ushered to the winners podium, Groopex fronted the media stating ‘I need to get this order delivered, does anyone have an Oppo charger?’. However, Groopex was almost immediately stripped of the accolades once officials found out he did not test positive to any performance enhancing drugs.

He was then fired as a sub-contractor for Uber Eats for failing to make the delivery. However, he will just re-register next week with another fake name.

Related Posts

Private school alumni excited for not watching cricket season

20 October, 2020

20 October, 2020

As football season has wrapped up for the state of South Australia, the attention of Adelaide’s private school alumni turns...

4 hour parking limit very optimistic about people’s desire to spend their time at Colonnades

27 August, 2020

27 August, 2020

One of Adelaide’s southern suburbs shopping and smoking centres has come under scrutiny around its imposed parking limit times. Colonnades...

South Australians tipped to consume $3bn worth of Zooper Doopers today

24 January, 2019

24 January, 2019

While many today will be doing their best to not think about just how high the mercury is expected to...

Business who still hasn’t added 8 to phone number probably shonky

18 October, 2019

18 October, 2019

A television and VCR repair shop on Goodwood Road in Adelaide’s inner south is staring the wind of change in...

South Aussies to ask ‘Keeping Cool?’ a record 47 billion times today

20 November, 2019

20 November, 2019

With Adelaide bracing for its hottest day since March, Adelaideans are readying themselves for an onslaught of inquisitiveness about the...

Sight of OTR toilet instantly cures man’s violent diarrhoea

7 December, 2018

7 December, 2018

After a week in Bali and a big ‘welcome home’ night with the boys, city construction labourer, Trey Dee, was...

Bloke ordering a Halal Snack Pack at Adelaide yiros shop might as well be speaking another language

31 January, 2020

31 January, 2020

A tourist visiting from Sydney’s Newtown has confounded the owner of a North Adelaide yiros shop by attempting to order...

Royal Park Salvage mascot should really get that middle leg looked at

11 February, 2020

11 February, 2020

Look, we’re not going to pretend we know what Royal Park Salvage does, or even go to the effort of...

Kent Town resident drives length of North Terrace without being stopped

28 May, 2018

28 May, 2018

Dwayne Hoff of Kent Town could not believe his luck last Wednesday afternoon. As he hopped in his car to meet friends at “The Deli” in Thebarton, little did he know what was in store for him.

Maybe let’s also discuss changing the name of “Blackfellows Creek”

26 January, 2020

26 January, 2020

With discussions of changing the date of Australia Day firing up once again, some South Australians are focusing their energy...

MPs really confused around sudden interest in their ICA Competition

4 September, 2020

4 September, 2020

South Australian MPs have remained tight lipped around a current ICAC (Indoor Cricket Association Competition) investigation. Not because they have...

10 things you never knew about the Myer Centre

26 April, 2020

26 April, 2020

MATTHEW DEVITT All of this madness at the moment has made us realise what’s really important to us: mostly-empty, multi-level...

Adelaide Mail’s top 10 Adelaide 36ers of all time

6 May, 2020

6 May, 2020

Here we are again, another list. We’re just as happy about it as you, okay? Nobody wants to read lists...

Old Commodore parked by Kuitpo signals start of ‘shroom season

18 June, 2019

18 June, 2019

A TRIP TO THE FOREST: Psychedelic Mushroom hunting season was declared open last week with the initiatory shitbox sighting on Brookman...

Uh-oh! This article is sponsored by some company, but we forgot who

20 February, 2019

20 February, 2019

After taking a look at The Betoota Advocate’s website and seeing how much advertising money we’re missing out on, we...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: