3 December, 2023

Report: Albert Bensimon actually enjoyed a little bit of hoo-ha

MATTHEW DEVITT

Despite his self-anointed reputation as a serious, no-nonsense jewellery magnate, the Adelaide Mail can finally reveal that Albert Bensimon did, in fact, enjoy a little bit of hoo-ha.

Speaking exclusively with South Australian 1990’s retail jewellery historian and unemployed submarine welder Brian Trottel, it appears that Mr. Bensimon went to great lengths to separate his public and private personas.

‘He actually had an entire team of people working full-time to make sure that he didn’t engage in any public hoo-ha under any circumstances’, Mr. Trottel said.

‘It started purely as a marketing campaign, but he gradually became more and more serious in an effort to avoid even the slightest hoo-ha related incident’, Trottel trotted out.

I know for a fact that in his private life, it was a real hoo-ha bonanza

‘Before long he stopped smiling or changing the tone of his voice, cut off all small talk with the staff, and started wearing the exact same suit every day. He cancelled all after-work drinks, and even the Christmas parties’.

‘Towards the end of the Shiels dynasty, he refused to speak, laugh or even blink. He would spend all of his working hours sitting completely motionless at a desk in a white room with nothing but a glass of water – which he never drank.’

But as it turns out, when away from the public eye, Mr. Bensimon had a very different personality.

‘I know for a fact that in his private life, it was a real hoo-ha bonanza’, Trottel said. ‘I heard reports of him screaming at the football on TV, reciting filthy limericks to his wife – even drinking bottle after bottle of Yellowtail on weekends’, said Trottel.

‘Once he was even spotted naked on a water-ski. Well, I assume it was him anyway. Aquatic hoo-ha like that has Bensimon written all over it.’

‘Plus, I have boxes of his old People magazines, ticket stubs from Eddie Murphy films – once I even found a copy of one of Max Walker’s awful, awful books. It was all sitting right there at the bottom of the garbage bins at Albert’s house’.

Speaking from his 9 square-meter jail cell, Mr. Trottel also expressed mild regret at repeatedly violating Mr. Bensimon’s restraining orders.

Related Posts

Modern Day Mawson: Man goes to Golden Grove Netball Courts without jacket

22 June, 2022

22 June, 2022

SADNARCTICA: Although Saturday’s weather was sunny and calm, one local man severely underestimated the harshness Golden Grove Netball Courts’ own...

MPs really confused around sudden interest in their ICA Competition

4 September, 2020

4 September, 2020

South Australian MPs have remained tight lipped around a current ICAC (Indoor Cricket Association Competition) investigation. Not because they have...

Burnside SUV driver will definitely only be five minutes in the loading zone

20 July, 2018

20 July, 2018

Burnside stay-at-home daughter Jacinta Hyacinth was caught short this morning on her usual coffee meet with the girls at trendy...

COMPROMISE FOUND: SA Govt to install new tram that ONLY turns right

20 November, 2018

20 November, 2018

After months of deliberation, studies and costings, Transport Minister Stephan Knoll announced on Sunday that the right-hand turn for trams...

Barossa local, who definitely has bigger things to worry about now, is angry you’re saying NuriOOPTA

30 March, 2020

30 March, 2020

Of all the things that a Barossa Valley resident could be getting angry at right now, Larry Hyphen-Colon has chosen...

Person who calls The Grove “The Grove” clearly not from around here

28 July, 2022

28 July, 2022

A shopper in Adelaide’s north-eastern suburbs has turned a few heads this morning after referring to Golden Grove’s fourth best...

Tea Tree Plaza now investigating accuracy of Einstein mural quote

30 November, 2021

30 November, 2021

After falsely attributing a quote to Sir David Attenborough in a public mural, Tea Tree Plaza’s mural and roof leak...

All we want to know about the SkyCity Casino upgrade is if they’ve brought back the horse racing game

2 December, 2020

2 December, 2020

The new upgraded section of the SkyCity Adelaide casino has opened and it seems they’re letting all local media in...

Gawler line passenger set for great day after altercation-free commute

17 October, 2018

17 October, 2018

Startling footage has emerged from a security camera on-board an Adelaide-bound Gawler train this morning showing an entirely incident-free trip....

“Nah, that doesn’t mean me” says guy with 8 cars behind him near Gumeracha

3 May, 2022

3 May, 2022 1

Moe Trist, like many Adelaide residents, loves a nice relaxing drive through the Adelaide Hills. Often heading up into the...

Kent Town resident drives length of North Terrace without being stopped

28 May, 2018

28 May, 2018

Dwayne Hoff of Kent Town could not believe his luck last Wednesday afternoon. As he hopped in his car to meet friends at “The Deli” in Thebarton, little did he know what was in store for him.

We take a look back at ‘Crow Milk’ and the diabetes epidemic it caused

2 December, 2019

2 December, 2019

In the wake of current local flavoured milk wars, let’s take a moment to remember a simpler time in South...

Aspiring Magic Cave Father Christmas settles for Parabanks gig again

1 December, 2019

1 December, 2019

For professional shopping centre Father Christmas Claude St Velcro, it’s become a case of take what you can get. Every...

90s Toyota Commercial still killing it at every SA Caravan Park

29 November, 2019

29 November, 2019

The 20th annual Caravan Recreation Area Park comedy awards were held at Lake Bonney last weekend, with one classic comedy...

Striking bus drivers knock back initial payrise offer, as employer tries to pay with $50 note

9 January, 2023

9 January, 2023

TRENT BARTLETT Adelaide bus drivers are demanding better pay and better working conditions after a passenger alighted without so much...

Comments

Leave a Reply