28 September, 2020 South Australia's other fake news source

Report: Albert Bensimon actually enjoyed a little bit of hoo-ha

MATTHEW DEVITT

Despite his self-anointed reputation as a serious, no-nonsense jewellery magnate, the Adelaide Mail can finally reveal that Albert Bensimon did, in fact, enjoy a little bit of hoo-ha.

Speaking exclusively with South Australian 1990’s retail jewellery historian and unemployed submarine welder Brian Trottel, it appears that Mr. Bensimon went to great lengths to separate his public and private personas.

‘He actually had an entire team of people working full-time to make sure that he didn’t engage in any public hoo-ha under any circumstances’, Mr. Trottel said.

‘It started purely as a marketing campaign, but he gradually became more and more serious in an effort to avoid even the slightest hoo-ha related incident’, Trottel trotted out.

I know for a fact that in his private life, it was a real hoo-ha bonanza

‘Before long he stopped smiling or changing the tone of his voice, cut off all small talk with the staff, and started wearing the exact same suit every day. He cancelled all after-work drinks, and even the Christmas parties’.

‘Towards the end of the Shiels dynasty, he refused to speak, laugh or even blink. He would spend all of his working hours sitting completely motionless at a desk in a white room with nothing but a glass of water – which he never drank.’

But as it turns out, when away from the public eye, Mr. Bensimon had a very different personality.

‘I know for a fact that in his private life, it was a real hoo-ha bonanza’, Trottel said. ‘I heard reports of him screaming at the football on TV, reciting filthy limericks to his wife – even drinking bottle after bottle of Yellowtail on weekends’, said Trottel.

‘Once he was even spotted naked on a water-ski. Well, I assume it was him anyway. Aquatic hoo-ha like that has Bensimon written all over it.’

‘Plus, I have boxes of his old People magazines, ticket stubs from Eddie Murphy films – once I even found a copy of one of Max Walker’s awful, awful books. It was all sitting right there at the bottom of the garbage bins at Albert’s house’.

Speaking from his 9 square-meter jail cell, Mr. Trottel also expressed mild regret at repeatedly violating Mr. Bensimon’s restraining orders.

Related Posts

Crows family members plead for exemption to leave South Australia after sons’ 2020 season

25 September, 2020

25 September, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT Following the decision by health authorities to allow Port Power family members into SA on a special exemption...

Royal Adelaide Show Cancelled: Who will judge Nan’s knitted Golliwogs now?

14 April, 2020

14 April, 2020

DAN SCHMIDT News has broken that the Royal Adelaide Show has been cancelled for the fifth time in history. Previously...

“Can’t heritage list Jack Daniels merch” Fishermen’s Wharf Market told

21 May, 2019

21 May, 2019

With destruction looming for Port Adelaide’s Fisherman’s Wharf Market shed, vendors and Port locals are looking at various creative options...

‘You can’t pay off COVID fines using free drink cards’, Zhivago owners told

20 July, 2020

20 July, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT After copping thousands of dollars in fines for breaking COVID-19 restrictions, the owners of Zhivago have been told...

How many of these top 10 ultimate 90’s Adelaide moments do you remember?

13 August, 2020

13 August, 2020

NOT CLICKBAIT! The top 10 90's Adelaide moments.

Sign at Ingle Farm Shopping Centre explains a lot about North Eastern suburbs fashion

6 February, 2020

6 February, 2020

A sign proclaiming Ingle Farm Shopping Centre to be ‘your local place for fashion’ has been found to offer an...

Who fixed the SA outback rocket? Well, I’m glad you asked

21 September, 2020

21 September, 2020

After misfiring early last week, South Australia’s first attempt to join the space race with a rocket from Koonibba was...

Windy Point actually pronounced “Wine-dee” point because of the winding route to get there

15 November, 2019

15 November, 2019

Windy Point – You’re all saying it wrong! It turns out that we’ve all been saying the name of Adelaide’s...

“Our one mistake was not charging more for a thickshake” – 50SixOne

1 March, 2020

1 March, 2020

With the business in the hands of liquidators and its three remaining stores now closed, the owners of 50sixone have...

Barossa local, who definitely has bigger things to worry about now, is angry you’re saying NuriOOPTA

30 March, 2020

30 March, 2020

Of all the things that a Barossa Valley resident could be getting angry at right now, Larry Hyphen-Colon has chosen...

We don’t care about the AFL GF, we have something even better…the Northern Districts U12s finals

1 September, 2020

1 September, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT With the centrepiece of footy in Australia set to head north to Australia’s centre of footy, Brisbane, South...

Truckie was just holding out for cheaper fuel price

31 October, 2019

31 October, 2019

A truck driver that caused massive delays on the downtrack of the SE Freeway remains convinced that he made the...

Old Commodore parked by Kuitpo signals start of ‘shroom season

18 June, 2019

18 June, 2019

A TRIP TO THE FOREST: Psychedelic Mushroom hunting season was declared open last week with the initiatory shitbox sighting on Brookman...

Councillor Anne Moran proposes demolishing all buildings over 1m tall

30 January, 2019

30 January, 2019

Adelaide City Councillor and development containment officer Anne Moran will put to council a bold plan to demolish all permanent...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: