13 August, 2020 South Australia's other fake news source

The real puzzle is how nobody died

What was once South Australia’s answer to Disneyland, the theme-park and scrap-metal haven of Puzzle Park now sadly remains abandoned in scrub-land near Murray Bridge.

Initially the State’s number one cause of third degree burns, Puzzle Park was indeed a puzzling place, but the main piece of the puzzle has only now just been revealed, which is how the hell did nobody ever die at this place?

I clearly designed the park with the intention of knocking off some little buggers. The rusty ladders, the maze with unsecured overhead walkways, a steep waterslide into a shallow concrete pool, even a flying fox!

Although now long abandoned (but somehow currently in better condition than when it was open for business) most South Australians born before the 1990’s have the burn-scars from the hot metal play equipment to show they did in fact survive a family trip to Puzzle Park. However as far as we are aware, surprisingly all children made it out alive.

This comes as great disappointment to sadistic park designer Jonathan Jigsawpiece, now in his eighties. Jonathan spoke exclusively to Adelaide Mail stating ‘it’s my biggest regret in life. I clearly designed the park with the intention of knocking off some little buggers. The rusty ladders, the maze with unsecured overhead walkways, a steep waterslide into a shallow concrete pool, even a flying fox! Still, didn’t manage to bag even one’.

When asked as to why he wanted to essentially kill children, Jonathan stated ‘uhhh…for their own safety…I guess. Yes, I purposely built a dangerous theme park so that awareness could be raised and safety standards inevitably lifted after the first few deaths. Sadly, that was never the case’.

Since the closure of Puzzle Park Jonathan now spends his time warning children about the dangers of meeting strangers from online chat-rooms, or at least what he’ll be telling the court on Tuesday.

Editor’s note: Thanks to a huge supporter of ours Dave Walsh for letting us use his pictures of the abandoned Puzzle Park. You can read all about Puzzle Park at his excellent WeekendNotes article.

in News, Travel
Related Posts

COMPROMISE FOUND: SA Govt to install new tram that ONLY turns right

20 November, 2018

20 November, 2018

After months of deliberation, studies and costings, Transport Minister Stephan Knoll announced on Sunday that the right-hand turn for trams...

Researchers find anyone who went to Mansions pre-2012 is immune to COVID-19 and most other things too

7 April, 2020

7 April, 2020

Fastracked South Australian TAFE short course health research graduates have made an initial discovery in what could be the first...

Frome Street bikeway to be extremely beneficial for cyclist with very specific, straight 1.8km commute

29 August, 2018

29 August, 2018

After months of work, traffic restrictions, and millions of dollars spent, the new Frome Street bikeway is nearing completion and...

PM Scott Morrison takes credit for stopping the Buffalo

14 October, 2018

14 October, 2018

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has taken credit for stopping the land-bound, abandoned restaurant the HMS Buffalo while on a whistle-stop...

Stobie pole “probably a Banksy” says Croydon mum

8 November, 2018

8 November, 2018

Fiona Foarzenshore fancies her home suburb of Croydon as something of a cultural hub in Adelaide’s inner west, and has...

Colour blind uni student argues superiority of green and white cafe

5 October, 2019

5 October, 2019

A colour blind University of Adelaide arts student has found himself in an overly heated argument about the relative virtues...

99.98% of all SA servo robberies perpetrated by the servo

12 March, 2019

12 March, 2019

South Australia has the highest service station robbery rates in the nation. However, largely due to our Peregrine overlords, it...

Jase reckons he could have his own Fringe show, mates agree

18 February, 2019

18 February, 2019

After having watched exactly 275 minutes of stand up comedy in his life, Jason ‘Jase’ Breadhand became convinced of his...

Man celebrates 40th birthday by agreeing with Leon Byner for the first time

12 October, 2018

12 October, 2018

Drew Ratcage has never been too bothered by the prospect of turning 40, that was until he found himself nodding...

Murray Bridge Bunyip still terrifying even as an adult

8 June, 2018

8 June, 2018

Residents of Murray Bridge are lodging more noise complaints than ever before as tourists rediscover, and run screaming from, the town’s resident mechanical bunyip.

Victor Harbor launch new tourism campaign, “We’re Missing U”

13 May, 2020

13 May, 2020

As travel restrictions ease, Victor Harbor launches a new tourism campaign

Cyberbullying teens never okay…unless it’s Caleb Bond and it’s really funny

18 March, 2019

18 March, 2019

Cyberbullying is a cowardly act, which can be particularly harmful when aimed at teens. However, in the wake of anti-bullying...

Haigh’s prepare store for influx of Greeks this week

23 April, 2019

23 April, 2019

With the traditional Christian-Easter done and dusted and most of Adelaide in a pre-diabetic state, iconic chocolatiers Haigh’s have undertaken...

Save big with your SAFM 107 Card at these places today!

27 March, 2019

27 March, 2019

Here at Adelaide Mail, we’ve got some pretty powerful friends in high places, which means our proverbial fingers are on...

SA leads nation in problem drinkers masked as wine connoisseurs

25 October, 2019

25 October, 2019

In yet another example of South Australia leading its counterparts in important lifestyle statistics, a new study has revealed that...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: