26 January, 2023

Just FYI, that Whispering Wall is a dirty snitch

DAM SNITCH: We all have secrets. Some large, some small, some downright incriminating. But when we confide in someone or something we trust, the last thing we want is to have our secrets revealed.

For us, we like to confide in concave retaining walls, often revealing all our largest secrets, scandals and scoops alongside dams, quarries and even large garden beds.

So imagine our horror when we heard that one of our most trusted confidants is snitching behind our back to random strangers standing over 100 metres away!

Now a bunch of kids on school holidays and their parents that were too cheap to take them to the movies know all about the secrets we spilled. For full disclosure, here is a list of rumours you may hear about us, which we are in no way admitting are truthful and are currently seeking legal representation over:

  • We once stole Anne Wills’s Logie for best South Australian satirical news website.
  • We own the LeCornu lots.
  • 90% of our content is stolen from the Betoota Advocate, we simply cut and replace “Rugby” with “AFL”, “Parramatta” with “Modbury”, then remove all the sponsored content and grammatical errors. Very few people have noticed thus far.
  • We run a massive satire factory in Bangladesh churning out South Australian satirical news articles under slave-like conditions.
  • We are ShitAdelaide admins.
  • This website earns us $148,000 each financial year in kickbacks from the O-Bahn Marketing and Awareness Board.
  • Caleb Bond is the ghostwriter for most of our anonymous articles.
  • Adelaide Mail is merely a promotional tool for our old ska band which we intend to revive once the next ska wave hits. Any of you folks like ska?
  • That BMW with the “COVID19” numberplate at the airport is our work vehicle, we’ve just lost the keys.

Who knows when and how our secrets will be released, Adelaide Mail could (and let’s face it, should) be cancelled, all thanks to the Snitchering Wall.

in Life, News
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