22 October, 2021 South Australia's other fake news source

Just FYI, that Whispering Wall is a dirty snitch

DAM SNITCH: We all have secrets. Some large, some small, some downright incriminating. But when we confide in someone or something we trust, the last thing we want is to have our secrets revealed.

For us, we like to confide in concave retaining walls, often revealing all our largest secrets, scandals and scoops alongside dams, quarries and even large garden beds.

So imagine our horror when we heard that one of our most trusted confidants is snitching behind our back to random strangers standing over 100 metres away!

Now a bunch of kids on school holidays and their parents that were too cheap to take them to the movies know all about the secrets we spilled. For full disclosure, here is a list of rumours you may hear about us, which we are in no way admitting are truthful and are currently seeking legal representation over:

  • We once stole Anne Wills’s Logie for best South Australian satirical news website.
  • We own the LeCornu lots.
  • 90% of our content is stolen from the Betoota Advocate, we simply cut and replace “Rugby” with “AFL”, “Parramatta” with “Modbury”, then remove all the sponsored content and grammatical errors. Very few people have noticed thus far.
  • We run a massive satire factory in Bangladesh churning out South Australian satirical news articles under slave-like conditions.
  • We are ShitAdelaide admins.
  • This website earns us $148,000 each financial year in kickbacks from the O-Bahn Marketing and Awareness Board.
  • Caleb Bond is the ghostwriter for most of our anonymous articles.
  • Adelaide Mail is merely a promotional tool for our old ska band which we intend to revive once the next ska wave hits. Any of you folks like ska?
  • That BMW with the “COVID19” numberplate at the airport is our work vehicle, we’ve just lost the keys.

Who knows when and how our secrets will be released, Adelaide Mail could (and let’s face it, should) be cancelled, all thanks to the Snitchering Wall.

in Life, News
Related Posts

Port Elliot millennials start petition to change name of Boomer Beach

22 November, 2019

22 November, 2019

Undertaking the ultimate form of slacktivism, Port Elliot’s entire millennial population (a total of sixteen residents) have started an online...

Valley Butchers unsure why anybody would be offended by new sign

18 September, 2019

18 September, 2019

An Adelaide butcher who was found to have breached advertising standards by displaying a sign that read ‘Non Halal Certified’...

“Melbourne is so much better” says girl who couldn’t afford to live there

16 July, 2019

16 July, 2019

Having recently moved back to Adelaide after a brief stint in Australia’s most consistently overcast city, polaroid photography student Edith...

Car controlled by bees still more courteous than most Adelaide drivers

26 September, 2019

26 September, 2019

In a growing trend to worry drivers and parents across Adelaide, South Australian motorists are surrendering their cars to swarms...

Now a North Adelaide Resident, Djokovic makes noise complaint at 7pm on Friday

23 January, 2021

23 January, 2021

Whilst world number one tennis player Novak Djokovic has been in quarantine in North Adelaide, he has become accustomed to...

State government announces replacement for Adelaide 500: The Royal Adelaide 500

21 May, 2021

21 May, 2021

TRENT BARTLETT With opposition to the cancellation of the Adelaide 500 reaching fever pitch the state government have announced that...

Regional dad hopes this Africola place does a good schnitty

22 November, 2018

22 November, 2018

Visiting his graduating son in ‘the big smoke’, Bill Wrangler of Renmark decided to take the family out for a...

Homeowner a bit suss on this tradie fixing their fence

13 November, 2020

13 November, 2020

When Jessica Footings-Colorbond of Banksia Park was searching for a traidie to fix her fence, she should have known better...

Single bloke on Kangaroo Island killing it on Tinder this week

1 November, 2018

1 November, 2018

What a week it has been for Steve Bachelor, 34, of Kangaroo Island. ‘It gets pretty hard dating in regional...

Returning SA residents can now undertake 14 Day Quarantine stuck on South Road on way home from airport

8 September, 2021

8 September, 2021

With border restrictions rapidly easing and/or increasing between many Australian states, one new local initiative gives returning South Australian residents...

Crows family members plead for exemption to leave South Australia after sons’ 2020 season

25 September, 2020

25 September, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT Following the decision by health authorities to allow Port Power family members into SA on a special exemption...

Yatala Vale resident tired of explaining it’s nowhere near the prison

14 February, 2020

14 February, 2020

A resident of Yatala Vale, a picturesque semi-rural suburb in Adelaide’s outer north-east, is fed up being asked if she...

Next season of ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ to actually be set in Adelaide’s premier suburb of Paradise

24 August, 2018

24 August, 2018

Due to excessive helicopter use and a vast majority of the budget being spent on Osher’s hair, Channel 10 executives have...

Adelaide Crows external review results revealed: Shit’s fucked

11 October, 2019

11 October, 2019

The Adelaide Football Club have revealed the results of a six week-long, in-depth external review of both its on and...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: