20 April, 2021 South Australia's other fake news source

“Never doubted ‘em” says Crows fan who chopped up membership after his seats were moved for 2021

TRENT BARTLETT

Former Adelaide Football Club member Jesper Cantankeron maintains that his faith in his footy club never wavered, despite a well-documented, Xenophon-esque membership cancellation stunt less than a week ago.

With COVID-19 restrictions rendering Cantankeron’s previous Adelaide Oval seats — which he has held proudly since all the way back in 2018 – untenable, the Crows fan gathered multiple South Australian news outlets to West Lakes for a highly-publicised protest with an argument less clear than a person who just received an expensive power bill calling Leon Byner.

With the only journalists stupid enough to accept Cantankeron’s Facebook invite for his “Let’s show the Crows what we realy think…PR opportunity .. Kane Cornes not welcome” event six people from the Adelaide Mail editorial team, the Crows fan made a wandering protest against his footy club that covered more conspiracies than a Pete Evans Instagram story.

If anyone’s has the Bill Gates microchip, it’s Fagan, he’s the first who needs to go. And why can’t I park at Adelaide Oval? When the footy was down here at Footy Park I would have a barbie with the missus, Rozza and the boys every other week..

‘Thank you for coming, I was almost going to cancel, but thankfully the rain held off and an outdoor event could still go ahead,’ Cantankeron yelled at the gathered throng of journos. ‘As I’m sure you all appreciate, I refuse to stand outside for long stints of inclement weather.’

‘Anyway. I’m here to tell you that I will no longer stand for the fiasco that the Adelaide Footy Club has become. Enough is enough! It’s one thing for the club to put in the kind of gutless efforts that they showed over the 2020 season, it’s another for them to move my seat slightly further away from the ground because of some hoax.’

‘If anyone’s has the Bill Gates microchip, it’s Fagan, he’s the first who needs to go. And why can’t I park at Adelaide Oval? When the footy was down here at Footy Park I would have a barbie with the missus, Rozza and the boys every other week..’

Cantankeron then wandered off about three-quarters of the way through his address to the media, telling one photographer that he ‘likes to beat the traffic’.

One week later, with no access to Adelaide Football Club players due to the consistent berating of draft and trade choices, Adelaide Mail had no choice to look to Cantankeron for a reaction quote for its coverage of the Crows’ first win of the season.

‘Never doubted ‘em’, he told us from his Norwood home, unable to secure a last-minute ticket to today’s game at the beginning of the third quarter when the result started to look inevitable.

‘My protest last week was all about the unfair and unjust moving of loyal Adelaide footy club members’ seats from right beneath them. It was never about me not believing in the team’s ability.’

Cantankeron tipped Geelong to win by 86 points in his work’s footy tipping competition.

*Due to poor communication and the fact that several Adelaide Mail journos are no longer on speaking terms after disagreements over whether to turn Adelaide Mail into an all-O-Bahn photo blog,

in News, Sport
Related Posts

Man really should start training for City to Bay

7 September, 2018

7 September, 2018

With a week to go until he plans on running 12km, Michael Walker of Glynde figures he should really start...

OTR’s solution to unhappy customers: Get rid of the angry man button

3 December, 2019

3 December, 2019

Having grown annoyed at the constant stream of customers pushing the ‘angry’ button upon exit, OTR has moved to eliminate...

“Never drink Coopers again? I didn’t say that.” says man who definitely said that

3 January, 2019

3 January, 2019

MATTHEW DEVITT In an astonishing reverse of his staunch moral standing, Ascot Park man David Baker has come under scrutiny...

Tinder date downgraded to Hawker’s Corner after iffy message

24 June, 2019

24 June, 2019

A looming Tinder date has had its venue downgraded to West Terrace food court Hawker’s Corner following a questionable opinion...

Adelaide Crows external review results revealed: Shit’s fucked

11 October, 2019

11 October, 2019

The Adelaide Football Club have revealed the results of a six week-long, in-depth external review of both its on and...

Hills Hoist and Cask Wine sales data significantly correlated for some unknown reason

27 August, 2018

27 August, 2018

Statisticians and data analysts have been left completely baffled at the strongly correlated sales data of two South Australian icons....

UniSA law student happy to let you keep thinking he goes to Adelaide

23 May, 2019

23 May, 2019

Despite typically jumping to the defence of UniSA’s law degree, Esteban Cornbox is not in any hurry to correct you...

Save big with your SAFM 107 Card at these places today!

27 March, 2019

27 March, 2019

Here at Adelaide Mail, we’ve got some pretty powerful friends in high places, which means our proverbial fingers are on...

“OK, who had ‘obviously fake number plates’ this week?” asks traffic officer in charge of office sweep

11 February, 2021

11 February, 2021

Images: SA Police DAVID KNIGHT A lucky SAPOL officer has scooped the pool at the weekly office sweep after correctly...

More like “Slowa Pasta” says local comedic genius

9 August, 2019

9 August, 2019

As a group of friends decided to treat themselves 1998’s best dining experience, little did they know what was in...

COMPROMISE FOUND: SA Govt to install new tram that ONLY turns right

20 November, 2018

20 November, 2018

After months of deliberation, studies and costings, Transport Minister Stephan Knoll announced on Sunday that the right-hand turn for trams...

LOL, Melbourne thinks this is a beach

10 December, 2019

10 December, 2019

In a city where locals will constantly remind you it’s “world’s most livable” and also frequently awarded “world’s most consistently...

Neo-nazis get wires crossed, end up at St Kilda Adventure Playground

6 January, 2019

6 January, 2019

When Salisbury’s resident neo-nazis Morgan Dolkhatch and Barry “Knuckles” Mudflap found out about an upcoming rally of right wing extremists...

Rundle Mall spruiker seamlessly weaves passing chat into sales pitch

10 September, 2019

10 September, 2019

Rundle Mall spruiker Frank Ratta has once again shown why he was awarded ‘SA’s Most Tolerated Spruiker’ eleven years running....

Playford resident quickly finds out why House & Land package was so cheap

8 October, 2018

8 October, 2018

Finally deciding to bite the bullet of home ownership, Mel Ashton, 29, of Smithfield, felt she could not go past...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: