14 May, 2021 South Australia's other fake news source

LOL, Melbourne thinks this is a beach

In a city where locals will constantly remind you it’s “world’s most livable” and also frequently awarded “world’s most consistently overcast”, Melbourne certainly has a lot going for it.

Whether it be the glistening plastic along the Yarra shoreline, $800 weekly rents for run-down two-bedders, or the charming petty street crime, Melbourne is definitely “livable” in the same sense that Mars may also be some day.

But where Melbourne really seems to shine is its stunning array of beaches (when we stay “stunning” we mean alike a self-defence electroshock weapon aimed at temporarily disrupting muscle functions whilst inflicting pain on the recipient).

Take, for example, one of Melbourne’s most iconic and popular beaches, Brighton (pictured). With up to 6 metres of pristine grey sand between the murky green water and the road, Brighton “Beach” certainly makes the best use of its city views by reminding beachgoes they’d rather be sitting in their office.

It can be quite difficult to find a spot on the four days of the year we have beach weather

To distract the eye from the random stobie (sorry, “telegraph”) poles in the bay and rubbish entwined seaweed, a quaint row of rotting “bathing boxes” (which one can only assume are some sort of crack-dens for vagrants) have been painted in a range of noxious neon hues in an effort to bring some colour into an otherwise dreary scene.

Speaking with the Director of Serenity for Melbourne’s “Beaches”, Frank Stone, he stated ‘Yeah, Brighton is definitely one of the good ones. So popular, in fact, that it can be quite difficult to find a spot on the four days of the year we have beach weather’.

To be fair, we also tried to research Melbourne’s best beaches, which led us to this article by the Herald Sun (their version of Adelaide Mail), which states (we shit you not):

Stunning.

If only they could keep their cricket pitch looking this good.

in News, Travel
Related Posts

Ingle Farm bachelor applies for ‘Farmer wants a wife’

8 February, 2019

8 February, 2019

Tired of the local dating scene and not being able to find a girl who will settle down, or even...

We take a look back at ‘Crow Milk’ and the diabetes epidemic it caused

2 December, 2019

2 December, 2019

In the wake of current local flavoured milk wars, let’s take a moment to remember a simpler time in South...

Mall’s Balls beginning to sag with age

6 August, 2018

6 August, 2018

Since 1977 they have proudly been on display for all to see, but it appears time is catching up the...

Old Commodore parked by Kuitpo signals start of ‘shroom season

18 June, 2019

18 June, 2019

A TRIP TO THE FOREST: Psychedelic Mushroom hunting season was declared open last week with the initiatory shitbox sighting on Brookman...

Sign at Ingle Farm Shopping Centre explains a lot about North Eastern suburbs fashion

6 February, 2020

6 February, 2020

A sign proclaiming Ingle Farm Shopping Centre to be ‘your local place for fashion’ has been found to offer an...

State Liberals sign sponsorship deal with Dulux in attempt to whitewash their reputation

17 February, 2020

17 February, 2020

With their reputation already facing questions thanks to former Liberal MP Sam ‘Wandering Hands’ Duluk, the South Australian Liberal Party...

Barossa local, who definitely has bigger things to worry about now, is angry you’re saying NuriOOPTA

30 March, 2020

30 March, 2020

Of all the things that a Barossa Valley resident could be getting angry at right now, Larry Hyphen-Colon has chosen...

Moana commuter really appreciates that 20m stretch of Fiveash Dr with the 70kmh speed limit

30 June, 2020

30 June, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT A Moana resident who commutes to Adelaide’s eastern suburbs every day for work, has once again sent his...

Rip It Up relaunches with Pokies reviews and noise complaint liftout

13 June, 2019

13 June, 2019

Heritage Adelaide street press Rip It Up magazine is set for a relaunch with a new focus on reflecting the...

Crows fan fires up the old VCR again to feel better

8 July, 2019

8 July, 2019

After a shocking Showdown loss over the weekend, one-eyed (her good one) Adelaide Crows fan Rose Parque has decided to...

99.98% of all SA servo robberies perpetrated by the servo

12 March, 2019

12 March, 2019

South Australia has the highest service station robbery rates in the nation. However, largely due to our Peregrine overlords, it...

Most psychological problems in SA’s millennials able to be traced back to one TV show

19 August, 2020

19 August, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT New research has revealed the vast majority of South Australian under-40s’ psychological issues can be traced back to...

2003 Seaford High graduate wears Year 12 jumper to commemorate the year he peaked

8 June, 2018

8 June, 2018

As he once again donned the faded maroon sweatshirt for a trip to the shops, Ryan Govern, 33, reminisced about...

Limited edition Womenz FruChocs released for International Women’s Day

5 March, 2020

5 March, 2020

MATT FREEMAN Menz Confectionery have released a special limited edition run of their much beloved FruChocs for International Women’s Day...

90s Toyota Commercial still killing it at every SA Caravan Park

29 November, 2019

29 November, 2019

The 20th annual Caravan Recreation Area Park comedy awards were held at Lake Bonney last weekend, with one classic comedy...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: