23 October, 2021 South Australia's other fake news source

LOL, Melbourne thinks this is a beach

In a city where locals will constantly remind you it’s “world’s most livable” and also frequently awarded “world’s most consistently overcast”, Melbourne certainly has a lot going for it.

Whether it be the glistening plastic along the Yarra shoreline, $800 weekly rents for run-down two-bedders, or the charming petty street crime, Melbourne is definitely “livable” in the same sense that Mars may also be some day.

But where Melbourne really seems to shine is its stunning array of beaches (when we stay “stunning” we mean alike a self-defence electroshock weapon aimed at temporarily disrupting muscle functions whilst inflicting pain on the recipient).

Take, for example, one of Melbourne’s most iconic and popular beaches, Brighton (pictured). With up to 6 metres of pristine grey sand between the murky green water and the road, Brighton “Beach” certainly makes the best use of its city views by reminding beachgoes they’d rather be sitting in their office.

It can be quite difficult to find a spot on the four days of the year we have beach weather

To distract the eye from the random stobie (sorry, “telegraph”) poles in the bay and rubbish entwined seaweed, a quaint row of rotting “bathing boxes” (which one can only assume are some sort of crack-dens for vagrants) have been painted in a range of noxious neon hues in an effort to bring some colour into an otherwise dreary scene.

Speaking with the Director of Serenity for Melbourne’s “Beaches”, Frank Stone, he stated ‘Yeah, Brighton is definitely one of the good ones. So popular, in fact, that it can be quite difficult to find a spot on the four days of the year we have beach weather’.

To be fair, we also tried to research Melbourne’s best beaches, which led us to this article by the Herald Sun (their version of Adelaide Mail), which states (we shit you not):

Stunning.

If only they could keep their cricket pitch looking this good.

in News, Travel
Related Posts

Humphrey B Bear says cancel culture has killed opportunities for mute, pantsless bears on TV

22 March, 2021

22 March, 2021

TRENT BARTLETT Australia’s most famous boater hat-wearing anthropomorphic bear has broken his decades-long silence to add to the chorus of...

Stirling celebrates record low crime, waste, and vaccination rates

12 December, 2018

12 December, 2018

The Adelaide Hills town of Stirling is celebrating at the end of this year, with statistics showing a trifecta of...

“Menz” Confectionery to change name to “Personz”

2 January, 2020

2 January, 2020 1

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS GONE MAD?: In a bid to gain greater market share and simultaneously not offend anyone, Menz Confectionery, the creator...

REPORT: Tim Noonan really just a poor man’s Xavier Minniecon

10 January, 2020

10 January, 2020

After eighteen months of exhaustive studies, researchers are still unable to formally identify what the hell Channel Seven Weather Presenter...

South Australia officially changing State slogan to “So what High School did you go to?”

17 September, 2018

17 September, 2018

Since discontinuing “The Festival State”, the South Australian Slogan Association (SASA) has decided on a new official state slogan after...

Kane Cornes called us a thief just because we broke into his house and stole stuff

13 February, 2020

13 February, 2020

Now, we’re not ones to typically use this platform to air grievances about petty disputes with our fellow K-grade Adelaide...

New Farmer’s Union Iced Coffee merchandise instantly sells out of 5XL sizing

27 June, 2019

27 June, 2019

With Farmer’s Union Iced Coffee desperately trying to target the insta-millennial market with their new line of merchandise, the new...

State government announces replacement for Adelaide 500: The Royal Adelaide 500

21 May, 2021

21 May, 2021

TRENT BARTLETT With opposition to the cancellation of the Adelaide 500 reaching fever pitch the state government have announced that...

Next season of ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ to actually be set in Adelaide’s premier suburb of Paradise

24 August, 2018

24 August, 2018

Due to excessive helicopter use and a vast majority of the budget being spent on Osher’s hair, Channel 10 executives have...

SA Liberal Party discovers crafty new way to make up for drop in GST revenue

7 October, 2020

7 October, 2020

Those paying attention to state treasurer Rob Lucas this week would have seen that he was largely unperturbed by the...

Far-Ken Hall! Adelaide’s biggest plumber goes rural

2 October, 2019

2 October, 2019

Adelaide’s biggest plumbing business, Ken Hall Plumbers is expanding its operations across rural South Australia. Marketing manager for Ken Hall...

Rundle Mall buskers now allowed to expand their repertoire beyond Leonard Cohen’s ‘Hallelujah’

17 December, 2018

17 December, 2018

In a controversial move, the Adelaide City Council has agreed to a trial period where buskers can perform songs that...

New RAH carpark awarded Adelaide’s most challenging escape room

18 January, 2019

18 January, 2019

Escape rooms have rapidly become all the rage with teenagers, lame corporate offices, and small groups of weird tight-knit friends...

Kid who asked for “Leggo” getting a jar of pasta sauce from South Aussie Santa

10 November, 2020

10 November, 2020

As November begins it means that our department stores and suburban shops are soon to be filled with Santas (actually,...

Adelaide Mail’s top 10 Adelaide 36ers of all time

6 May, 2020

6 May, 2020

Here we are again, another list. We’re just as happy about it as you, okay? Nobody wants to read lists...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: